Christina Aguilera Confirms The Bleeding Obvious

Christina Aguilera confirms pregnancy pregnant baby GlamourBless little Christina Aguilera. Half the size of a soggy lollipop stick, it's been blindingly apparent to the entire world that she's been pregnant for quite some time now – and yet she hasn't revealed her pregnancy to the world at all.

At least not until now. Christina Aguilera has decided to officially confirm her pregnancy to the world for the very first time, letting slip to Glamour magazine that her baby is due early on in the new year. It's good news all round, really – Christina Aguilera gets to congratulate herself for keeping the pregnancy a secret for so long, the public gets to breathe a sigh of relief because it knows Aguilera's bulging gut isn't a giant ovarian cyst and all local hospitals have a few months' notice to soundproof their maternity wards – after all, if that's how Christina Aguilera screams when she's singing a song about a man made of candy, imagine what she'll sound like when a giant-skulled baby crawls through her vagina.

As far as constant image-changes go, Christina Aguilera is up there with Madonna and Carlos The Jackal. So far in her comparatively brief career we've seen blond pop muppet Christina Aguilera, pierced dirt-cheap hooker Christina Aguilera and weird sort-of wartime floozy Christina Aguilera.

But now it's time for Christina Aguilera to unveil her latest image – it's Christina Aguilera the tender-breasted, swollen-ankled, constantly-nauseous expectant mother. Rumours of Christina Aguilera's pregnancy have been floating around for months, and they stopped being rumours as soon as Christina started swelling up like an infected jellyfish sting and took to shopping exclusively in baby stores.

However, since Christina Aguilera didn't seem to want to announce the pregnancy, we just assumed that she'd suddenly developed a fondness for bingeing on pastry and all the baby gear was for her chihuahua. Then Paris Hilton and Christina's own father told the world that Christina Aguilera was pregnant – but still nothing from the woman herself.

Now, finally, since the pregnancy is so far gone that her gut stretches like the TV in Videodrome every time her unborn baby farts, Christina Aguilera has finally decided to tell the world what it already knew, breaking the news to Glamour magazine when it asked her about new year's resolutions:

“That’ll be about the time I enter into mommyhood so I’m hoping to have started a beautiful family with my husband!… [The father is] thrilled! He’s just great. He’s so supportive and amazing through everything. He came with me on the last leg of the tour and he was my support system… I guess. I’m a lucky girl! I want to get it right, to balance that well with my career.”

Balancing motherhood with her career shouldn't prove to be too difficult for Christina Aguilera because, if watching young mothers take their children round the supermarket on a Saturday morning is anything to go by, she'll get to practise her vocal technique by screaming swearwords at her kid every time it asks her a question. And don't forget that Christina Aguilera isn't the first young pop star to have a baby – she'll always have Britney Spears for guidance. In fact, we're going to go as far as saying that all Christina needs to do is the exact opposite of what Britney Spears has ever done since she first gave birth to Sean Preston and she'll make a wonderful mother. 

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Comments

  1. Jackie says

    Look im not being funny but…dont fuckin go “the bleeding obvoius” yeah it might be but still you dont need to get fucking rude about it maybe she didnt want all you stuck up scamming publiushists getting hold of her story just so that you can get a bit of cash get a n life anf get a true job instead of intruding the celebrities lives especially when they do not want you to be sticking your noses in where they are not wanted… so basically6 im not bein funny but KEEP YOUR FUCKING STUCK UP NOSES OUT OF CHRISTINA AND JORDANS BUSINESS UNTILL THEY WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON IT THEIR PRIVATE LIVES !! you publisists are all the same you nearly distroy britneys spears career in singing when you go around publisinig her buisness about her children and the fact that she had all her hair cut off its just wrong how would you like it if i follwed you all around with a camra taking pictures of everything that you do even when your out with your family or out when shoppin you would basically get really fed up with it and tell me to go away so rwally you shoould just imagine that you are those innocent celebs that just want to be left alone and not having people buttin in in their relationships and telling the whole world their personal problems and everything that happens inside their four or more walls…so basicially i have put my point across…

    CHRISTINA AGUILERA’S BIGGEST FAN!!

    Jackie x

  2. Gilbert Wham says

    HELO JAKIE,; WOT IZ YOUR FAVRITE CHRISTINA INCARNATOIN?111!!1!

    I’m particularly fond of “pierced dirt-cheap hooker Christina Aguilera” myself. Dreadful music, mind. That video of her in the red panties was a bit good though. Eh? Eh?

  3. Speelunk says

    Jackie dear, why are you reading a tell-all site if it upsets you like that? Do you buy the Enquirer to get pissed at it?

  4. FREUD says

    Jackie – Christina announced this. That means that she told the world about it. No prying, no snooping, no nothing.

    If she doesn’t want any press coverage then why doesn’t she a) SHUT THE FUCK UP b) SACK ALL HER PUBLICISTS and c) RETIRE.

    Amen,

    LOVE FROM FREUD

  5. John says

    Jackie you were damn right- you werent being funny….at all

    Great article, unfortunately I thought that Christina had retired but with her new arrival Im sure we’ll be seeing alot more of the muppet. Who buys her records, I think Jackie must have a warehouse full of them

  6. laura uk says

    hi i really like christina aguilera im 21 i think she is a great role model for a lot of young people, i have seen it for months on magazines asking is she isnt she pregnant, it sells magazines, good luck with your new baby and congratulations christina, i agree dont read tell all sites if going to offend you darl, x