The divorce between Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook has finally come to an end – and best of all, everyone’s won!

According to reports, lawyers for both Christie Brinkley were thrashing out a divorce settlement until 6:15 this morning, and everyone’s got what they wanted. On the surface of things, Christie Brinkley has come out on top – she’s keeping sole custody of her kids.

You’d think that Peter Cook would be disappointed to discover that he’s never going to be able to spend any quality time with his own children for the rest of his life, but that’s not the case either – Christie Brinkley has to pay him $2.1 million. That’s enough money to keep him in porn for 58.3 years! And, as we all know, porn wins over kids every time.

We’ve long maintained that if anything is more heartwarming than an estranged couple coming together to reach an amicable divorce settlement, it’s an estranged couple coming together to reach an amicable divorce settlement after the wife has exposed to the whole wide world that the husband spends $3,000 on internet porn every month.

And that, by our estimation, makes the divorce between former supermodel Christie Brinkley and her constantly horny architect husband Peter Cook the most heartwarming divorce of all.

True, they may have had their ups and downs recently – most notably when Peter Cook ran up bills of $3,000 a month on internet porn and then started having sex with a girl he met in a toyshop, and when Christie Brinkley retaliated by demanding that their divorce was conducted in public and lined up 44 different witnesses to explain exactly why Peter Cook was such a shit – but at least the pair of them have managed to finally get to a settlement. ABC News reports:

The couple and their lawyers spent hours during the night in separate conference rooms at a Marriot hotel on Long Island. Early this morning, at 6:15 a.m., the battling couple finally struck a deal, according to Brinkley’s lawyer Robert Stephan Cohen. The settlement is expected to be revealed in court later today.

Although it hasn’t been formally announced yet, news sources are confidently predicting that the settlement will lean heavily in Christie Brinkley’s favour. She’ll not only keep full custody of her children, but she’ll also keep the couple’s houses.

It’s not all Christie Brinkley, though – Peter Cook has apparently been given $2.1 million in return for his cooperation. It doesn’t sound like a very large compensation for not being able to see your children grow up but, as we’ve said, it does leave Peter Cook with plenty of post-divorce options. For instance…

1 - On the basis that Peter Cook tried to silence his teenage toystore lover Diana Bianchi with a cash gift of $300,000, the settlement money will allow Peter Cook to embark on another seven reckless sexual affairs with suspiciously young girls.

2 - Since he hasn’t released an album of new material for 14 years, Peter Cook might be able to pay Billy Joel the $2.1 million to write a new song about Christie Brinkley with the title You Vindictive Witch or something.

3 - Porn. As we may have mentioned, Peter Cook rattles through $3,000 of internet porn every single month, meaning that $2.1 million will keep him in pixelated boobies for 58.3 years. If we’re still working on the principle that Peter Cook manages to somehow squeeze in three ejaculations every day, that’s a full 63,636 ejaculations he’s just won from Christie Brinkley.

Going further down this road, on the basis that the average volume of fluid produced by a man per ejaculation is 4ml, the $2.1 million that Peter Cook won in his divorce settlement correlates roughly to 67 gallons of jizz.

And now that they’re properly divorced, that’s 67 gallons of jizz that Christie Brinkley won’t be able to wipe off her thighs after several underwhelming bouts of narcissistic middle-aged sex with Peter Cook. Your loss Christie Brinkley. Your loss.