Christ, it’s Red Nose Day again…

Call hecklerspray miserable bastards if you like, but doesn’t your heart sink a little bit every time Red Nose Day comes along?

We can’t be the only ones who shudder at the mere thought of Lisa Tarbuck staggering around in some stupid outfit or Graham Norton mincing abound, visually demonstrating roughly as much concern at the plight of starving Africans as he might a contestant from The Apprentice.

Even worse is that this is the one day of the year it is practically impossible to avoid that sanctimonious arse Lenny Henry. Can somebody just gag him and throw him in the back of a rusting Ford Capri and run it over the edge of a cliff? ‘Katanga, Katanga, aaaaiiiiiieeeeeeeeee….’

Of course, one thing you can guarantee is a plethora of side splitting japes and gags, the nauseating sight of the ‘good old British public’ demeaning and embarrassing itself in some ludicrously contrived comic ‘situations’. Best of all we have that ‘RND’ record – this year provided by those Clearasil sponsored muppets McFly.

Yes hecklerspray, but it is for charity. Charidee.

Ok, reader, well listen up. We checked out the website and if you’re serious, then consider these bona fide suggestions for fund-rainsing ideas, as suugested on the official website. Honestly, hecklerspray laughed so much we broke a rib…

“Dress as your boss or teacher for the day” (Ermmm, chances are if you work in an office you’ll be dressed in the same Burtons or Top Shop styled ensemble as the rest of the proles)

“Use papier mache to build the biggest, reddest red nose you can” (better still how about making the biggest, reddest phallus you can – that should impress the Headmaster…).

Perhaps what is needed is a total revamp. Get a few new faces in to brighten things up a bit.

Instead of Lenny Henry, give us Jerry Sadowitz.

Send Lemmy and Pete Doherty off to Sierra Leone to build a new school – might give the boys a chance to indulge in a spot of cold turkey live on TV.

Find some new more interesting ways of raising cash, you know something like chaining Robert Kilroy-Silk in a bathtub and getting members of the public to see if they can rub some of that fake tan off his back with a wire brush and a bar of carbolic soap. Now that is something hecklerspray would pay to see…