Chris Rock may be many things – stand-up comedian, third-best ever Oscars host and star of some of the worst films ever made – but Chris Rock certainly isn't the type of man who gets all kinds of women pregnant 13 years ago.
And that's not just speculation – that's scientific proof. 35-year-old Kali Bowyer had been claiming that Chris Rock was the father of her 13-year-old son, but a DNA test has just proved otherwise. This proof of paternity has been so long in coming that adjusting to the new reality will be hard for everyone. For example, Kali Bowyer now looks like a liar in front of the whole world, Chris Rock needs to look at the legal repercussions of being lied about and the poor boy in question will now be experiencing mixed emotions – he'll be sad that his father isn't Chris Rock the hilarious stand-up comedian but probably a little bit relieved that his father isn't Chris Rock the star of Bad Company.
Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy go way back. Eddie was Chris Rock's mentor, landing him roles in Beverly Hills Cop II and Doctor Dolittle as well as helping to hone his stand-up delivery style. But that's not to say that Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy don't have their differences – Chris Rock has never made a film in a female fatsuit for one, or barged out of the Oscars after not winning, or been stopped by police after picking up a transsexual prostitute. And now we can add another difference to the pile – Chris Rock doesn't get women pregnant and then leave them. As far as we know.
While it took all sorts of lawyers and DNA tests to make Eddie Murphy admit that he fathered Mel B's baby, Chris Rock has been having the exact opposite problem – he's taken DNA tests and hired lawyers to prove that he isn't the father of journalist Kali Bowyer's 13-year-old son Jordan. Back in March Kali filed court papers claiming that a tryst with Chris Rock 13 years ago led to the conception of her son, leading to Chris Rock demanding a DNA test to clear his name. And now the test results are in, Jeremy Kyle-style, and they prove that Chris Rock isn't the father of anything except an amusing monologue about how crap Jude Law is at the Oscars a few years ago. And a couple of kids he had with his wife. E! Online reports:
The funnyman and his wife of 11 years, Malaak, released a joint statement Monday, expressing satisfaction that DNA tests have vindicated them… "Though we prefer to keep our private life out of the media, we feel it is necessary to respond to the many grossly inaccurate media reports that were sold to the tabloids by Kali Bowyer, who falsely claimed that Chris Rock fathered her 13-year-old son. After multiple lies, including that Chris refused to establish paternity… we personally asked the court to help us establish paternity so that we could put this harassment to rest. Last week it was concluded through DNA testing that Chris is not the father."
Next for Chris Rock will be a legal counter-attack where he'll try to reclaim all the money he spent defending himself in court as well as trying to force Kali Bowyer to donate any money she made from magazine interviews about Chris Rock to charity. And then, maybe then, Chris Rock can start to think about turning this whole sorry saga into a stand-up routine, which will probably read just like this article, only funnier and featuring more crushing repetition for the sake of emphasis.