Chris Kattan & New Wife Apparently Decide 8 Weeks Is Long Enough

One of the shortest marriages we’ve ever heard of happened when our Uncle Tom married an entire litter of golden retrievers.

Ends up the puppies were far too young to competently make a decision like that, and a judge ruled the ceremony invalid. With that, the puppies eagerly returned to their bachelorhood, and Uncle Tom got store credit from his internet priest.

Another short marriage we’ve heard of was Uncle Tom and an iguana he called Kippie. That one didn’t even make it through the cake cutting. As family lore has it - Tom was still rebounding from Patches, Bowser, Benji, Taffy & Mr. Cuddles.

Another marriage that’s very much in contention for the shortest ever title is Chris Kattan’s. He strolled down the aisle just 8 weeks ago and already he and his wife are going their sexy, yet separate ways.

Eminem’s third marriage to his ex wife lasted almost 45 minutes if memory serves correct. We’re told everything was fine until the rapper learned Kim still kept the canned green beans in the cupboard to the left of the stove. Anyone with a brain knows canned veggies clearly go on the right.

Eddie Murphy had an incredibly short marriage too. He tied the knot on an island pretty recently, but when the thrill of watching natives draped in pig intestine and the skulls of their enemies wore off, well, it just wasn’t a marriage founded on love.

Now Chris Kattan is splitting from his matrimonial partner. They said ‘I do’ on June 28, 2008 after a lengthy courtship of over 38 years. They’re fraternal twins - they started necking in the womb. No need to research that. Its guaranteed true. You can trust us.

Not really. But you can trust E! Online:

“Apparently, Chris Kattan’s marriage is a not-ready-for-prime-time player. The former Saturday Night Live star and his wife, model Sunshine Tutt, have split just eight weeks after their wedding. “They are separated for the moment, but are working on it,” a rep for the funnyman tells E! News. However, there are no immediate plans for divorce.”

Truly depressing news, right? It gets worse - his wife, Sunshine Tutt, tells us:

“I would that my father, along with all of my Tutt ancestors, arise from their Egyptian grave to suck the marrow from Chris’ bones, and crush his head into a sausage flavored paste. Stay out of this, Brendan Fraser.”

Can you believe the nerve of her? Neither can we. What we mean to say is if any of that last quote was true at all, we as a website wouldn’t be able to believe it.

Well we wish the both of them luck in their new seperate lives together. Also, we wish Sunshine’s sisters Moonshine, Starshine & Black Hole luck too.

Especially Black Hole. She always seems to have such a hard time at things.