The nation is mourning today as its greatest disc-jockey, Chris Evans, 41, has admitted to taking magic mushrooms, and has therefore broken a Great British law.
A law that clearly states that you must not eat magic mushrooms, citizen. And Chris, our Chris – your Chris, my Chris, everyones a Chris, Chris – has not only defied that law, but he has also broadcast the fact to the general public. He has said:
"It was a Meat Loaf concert, two days before which I’d had rather more magic mushrooms than maybe I should have."
Now, whether Chris likes it or not, our laws are there for a reason; for the benefit of society as a whole. They are there to protect our freedom, to protect the freedom that our grandfathers died for.
Most upstanding citizens, upon happening upon some magic mushrooms, would automatically grab them in the palm of their hand, make sure no children were within a two mile radius – systematically culling those that were – before incinerating the mushrooms and then themselves, just in case some of it's anti-social spours had rubbed off on said upstanding citizens' hands', all in the name of keeping society together – a concept that Mr Chris Evans seemingly cares for not a jot.
Magic mushrooms, as we all know, cause people to become anti-social. People who take them – perhaps dried, perhaps brewed in a tea, perhaps freshly picked from a Great British, sunlit, autumn meadow – they begin to see things that the rest of society aren't allowed to see; they start to think things that the rest of society aren't allowed to think; and so the rest of society feels completely left out, and if the rest of society – the majority of society – feels left out, then that is bad for society. So why do it, Chris?
Like Eve before him, he has fallen foul to the poisoning temptations of mind expansion. And Eve, of course, was a lady – what's his excuse? What kind of deceitful serpent told him to try this strange fruit? Perhaps it was some insane, drug-crazed homeless fellow with a gift for the gab, or perhaps the directions came from some slippery yet well respected science resource?
Who knows? And who knows what it was that Chris was experiencing that fateful day? Chris does:
"I thought I was chronicling the Albert Hall moving sideways on the back of a giant rock and roll crab — something I didn’t think the world should miss."
Why did he not think the world should miss out on this freakish crab; how would society benefit from such a shared hallucination; what would mankind gain from this? And spare a thought for the crab in all this – it isn't adapted to living life in the city! It wouldn't survive a week out there. They're proud, homely, reserved creatures, just like the rest of our Great British society.
An anonymous man – famed for his alternative opinions – has told hecklerspray that before we condemn mushrooms as the guilty party behind the creation of this uninspirational, massive-crab hallucination, we should first and foremost condemn the artistic reaches of Chris Evans' mind. But this anonymous man just loves to wind people up and doesn't have our best interests at heart – shun him like everyone else does.
Luckily for us all, a good old Metropolitan Police officer has said that the force would investigate any reports of Class A drug taking and – to The Sun newspaper – a police source has said:
"If Chris Evans has admitted taking magic mushrooms
after they were made Class A we will have to look into it."
And it certainly was after they were made class A's. The maximum sentence for possessing magic mushrooms is seven years' jail or an unlimited fine.
Hecklerspray hopes that an apology will be televised before the sun sets three times, and to remind our benevolent leaders that corporal punishment has it's merits.
If any one is interested in researching further into the dangers of magic mushroom use, or looking for some basic cultivation techniques, then visit this learned website (but please don't misuse it in an illegal way, whatever you do).
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