Community service works best when the offender can take a pre-existing skill and apply it for the good of society.

That won’t happen with Chris Brown, though. That’s because – aside from dancing like somebody has just given him a boiling chip fat enema – Chris Brown is only really good at punching women in the face, and there’s not really much call for that in the community service area, is there?

This is why Chris Brown’s sentencing for beating up Rihanna – due yesterday – has been postponed. Apparently the judge wants to wait until some especially crappy community service comes along instead.

Now that he’s been officially convicted of beating Rihanna to a gooey pulp, Chris Brown wants nothing more than to get on with his life. He’s done everything in his power to try and put things right – which admittedly isn’t much, since it involved rabidly denying everything for a long period of time and then stiltedly reading an apology from a cue-card on the internet in a horrible outfit – but people still keep up bringing up the fact that he physically attacks women and that he’s a dangerous criminal and blah blah snore.

And that’s something that Chris Brown will have to put up with for at least another three weeks. Yesterday was supposed to be the day that Chris Brown was formally sentenced for attacking Rihanna – even though he’d already agreed to five years of probation a year of domestic violence classes, some fines and six months of community service – but the judge decided to hold fire until the end of the month to make sure that the community service was gruesome enough. People reports:

“We still have not received from Virginia what their community labor proposal would be,” said L.A. Superior Court Judge Patricia Schnegg at a hearing Wednesday. “I do not favor community service, I favor something along the lines of Caltrans [freeway cleanup].” The sentencing was rescheduled to Aug. 27.

And then, with a bang of her gavel and a ceremonial “Beleey dat!” the judge was gone.

The judge probably made the best decision here. She’s made it clear that, even though he agreed to a plea deal to keep him out of jail, Chris Brown still committed a fairly shocking crime and he should be punished accordingly.

There’ll be none of this lightweight talent-utilising community service allowing Chris Brown to sing at some orphans for a few hours a day or whatever – he’ll be right there, trudging up and down the highways of Virginia picking up rubbish with a scoop or, if he still harbours dreams of using his God-given skillset to complete his community service, his gigantic walrus teeth.

But let’s look at the positives here – not only will cleaning up a highway for six months teach Chris Brown not to attack any more women, but it’ll also inspire him to write songs for his next album. True, the songs on the album will all be called My Back Hurts, My Legs Hurt, I Wish People Would Stop Throwing Rubbish Out Of Their Car Windows At Me and Oh Great (Now It’s Bloody Raining As Well) but we’d buy it.

No we wouldn’t.

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