Another day, another tantrum by man-child, Chris Brown. And once again, Brown has decided to use brute force and let his fists do the talking his feeble minded brain cannot handle.
Brown won’t let silly little things like probation for assault stop him from being a real gangsta mother fucker. Bitches need to be put in their place, so thank god we have gentlemen like Brown to take care of it.
In Washington D.C. over the weekend, Brown once again got all uppity because for two seconds, attention was not fully given to his Royal Dickness. Some dude dared to encroach Brown’s bubble that he had filled with easy groupies, so Brown decided to punch him in the face while throwing out some anti-gay shit. And then Brown’s bodyguard gave the poor guy another knuckle sandwich, just for good measure.
I feel like this is some Groundhog Day shit with Brown. Tantrum, assault, lack of remorse, play the victim card, lather, rinse, repeat.
Brown was in D.C. hosting a party at a club Saturday night, which is a great gig for Chris as he gets all eyes on his while not having to actually work at all. After hours of just dancing in the middle of the club, drinking some overpriced booze he got for free, and making sure everybody in the place knew Brown was The Man that night, Brown was on his way back to his tour bus at around 4:30 am. It was on the street at this point that shit went down.
The victim alleges that he and a friend were hanging out at a nearby hotel, and saw Chris about to take some pictures with some girls (which we all know is just the precursor to the same girls getting on the tour bus and getting it on with the world’s best lover since age 8). The victim and his friend decided to photobomb the shots, because it’s 2011 and that’s still the funniest and most original thing ever to do.
Brown lost his shit, said “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing,” which sounds just ridiculous enough to probably be true, and then cold clocked the victim. After being knocked to the ground, Brown’s bodyguard decided to lace into the dude’s face also, which is not surprising since it is a pretty safe assumption that Brown does not employ anyone with an iota of class or reasonability. Can’t possibly run the risk of someone trying to hold Brown back and encouraging him to make mature fucking life choices.
After the scuffle ended, the victim had go to the hospital because his nose was broken and he was a hot mess. There, he claims that if Brown had just apologized at the scene, he would have let it all go, but since Brown doesn’t comprehend what the word “sorry” even means, now the victim will press charges. That part I call bullshit on.
No heifer on Earth is going to get their face knocked in by a famous dude with cash and NOT sue the shit out of them. Come on now. We live in a world where bitches sue McDonalds for burning themselves with coffee because they apparently forgot that hot shit hurts, so you know homeboy was Googling the shit out of lawyers while waiting in the E.R.
On the other side, sources connected to Chris Brown (aka, Chris Brown, Chris Brown’s Mama, Chris Brown’s highly compensated thugs turned employees, his thirsty on/off girlfriend Karrueche…) say the victim’s story is total bullshit. They claim that the victim and his friend were trying to sneak onto Brown’s tour bus, a total no-no for the totally homophobic Brown who cannot deal with dicks near his pillow, so Chris and his bodyguard were just stopping them.
Either way, Brown and his bodyguard were arrested and charged with felony assault. The best part is that thanks to D.C. having some awesome laws regarding convicted criminals doing more bad shit, Brown could not post bail, and has to stay in jail until he goes before a magistrate Monday morning.
Oh man, Brown’s Twitter is going to BLOW up when he gets out (which is will because life is unfair for the rest of us law abiding, non violent citizens). You know he is going to post a ton of expletive rants, blaming everyone from the victim, to the cops, to probably the President and the guy who invented orange jumpsuits, cause that asshole did that knowing that shit is not his color!
There is a small chance that since Brown is still on probation from the Rihanna incident, that he could be found in violation of his parole and sent to jail for four years (YAY!). However, we all know that shit will never happen. Brown will get a slap on the wrist, and then continue on his daily grind of being the world’s current most smug ass piece of shit musician. But we can all hope.