Men like Chris Brown. Sure, you might have changed your opinion of Chris Brown over the last few months, as you realised that – rather than being the new Michael Jackson – he was actually the new big-toothed, woman-hating Incredible Hulk. But you have to admit – give Chris Brown a discarded beer can or decomposing animal carcass and he’ll have that baby properly disposed of faster than you can whip your sock off.
That’s official, too – Chris Brown’s probation judge said so and everything. What’s his secret? First he tells the rubbish that he loves it, and then he tries to choke in unconscious. Works every time.
Remember Chris Brown’s last album? No, of course you don’t. That’s because it was so badly marketed that Chris Brown had the world’s biggest tantrum about it on Twitter. Apparently record shops don’t want to associate themselves to closely to a man who once repeatedly smashed his girlfriend’s head against a car’s windscreen because she read a text message from a woman who he may have been sleeping with. Who knew?
But the point is this – it doesn’t matter that you can’t remember Chris Brown’s last album, because Chris Brown doesn’t need music any more. Yes, being a pop superstar may have brought him money and fame and power and influence and hoards of willing sexual partners, but that won’t feed your soul. No, what Chris Brown has got now is much more spiritually fulfilling. He’s picking up rubbish at the side of a road. And he’s really, really good at it.
Back in November that Chris Brown was given a glowing report by his probation judge, who’d ordered him to undertake 180 of community service for beating Rihanna up. The good news is that Chris Brown has been in court for another progress report hearing, and it seems as though he’s miraculously got even better at scooping up old Big Mac boxes and putting them into a binbag. The Los Angeles Times reports:
R&B singer Chris Brown is “doing really, really well” fulfilling the terms of his probation related to last year’s assault of then-girlfriend Rihanna, according to a judge. During a brief court appearance Thursday, Brown, 20, listened silently as Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Patricia Schnegg went over papers sent from authorities in Brown’s native Virginia.
As well as being an outstanding practitioner of scraping up roadkill and splattering it into the back of a truck, it was noted that Chris Brown has also attended 17 out of 52 domestic violence counselling sessions. That’s great news – apparently the first third of the course centres around breathing exercises, which means he’s just coming up to the bit about why you shouldn’t frenziedly attack your girlfriend because she looked at your telephone. We heard that’s the most important bit.
Either way, well done Chris Brown. We’re honestly very proud of your progress.
Yes, OK, we’re only saying that so you won’t beat us up. What of it?