Chris Brown Continues To Be Quite Good At Picking Up Rubbish

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Everyone loves redemption stories. Stories about men who had it all, then lost it all, then found their true spiritual calling.

Men like Chris Brown. Sure, you might have changed your opinion of Chris Brown over the last few months, as you realised that – rather than being the new Michael Jackson – he was actually the new big-toothed, woman-hating Incredible Hulk. But you have to admit – give Chris Brown a discarded beer can or decomposing animal carcass and he’ll have that baby properly disposed of faster than you can whip your sock off.

That’s official, too – Chris Brown’s probation judge said so and everything. What’s his secret? First he tells the rubbish that he loves it, and then he tries to choke in unconscious. Works every time.

Remember Chris Brown’s last album? No, of course you don’t. That’s because it was so badly marketed that Chris Brown had the world’s biggest tantrum about it on Twitter. Apparently record shops don’t want to associate themselves to closely to a man who once repeatedly smashed his girlfriend’s head against a car’s windscreen because she read a text message from a woman who he may have been sleeping with. Who knew?

But the point is this – it doesn’t matter that you can’t remember Chris Brown’s last album, because Chris Brown doesn’t need music any more. Yes, being a pop superstar may have brought him money and fame and power and influence and hoards of willing sexual partners, but that won’t feed your soul. No, what Chris Brown has got now is much more spiritually fulfilling. He’s picking up rubbish at the side of a road. And he’s really, really good at it.

Back in November that Chris Brown was given a glowing report by his probation judge, who’d ordered him to undertake 180 of community service for beating Rihanna up. The good news is that Chris Brown has been in court for another progress report hearing, and it seems as though he’s miraculously got even better at scooping up old Big Mac boxes and putting them into a binbag. The Los Angeles Times reports:

R&B singer Chris Brown is “doing really, really well” fulfilling the terms of his probation related to last year’s assault of then-girlfriend Rihanna, according to a judge. During a brief court appearance Thursday, Brown, 20, listened silently as Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Patricia Schnegg went over papers sent from authorities in Brown’s native Virginia.

As well as being an outstanding practitioner of scraping up roadkill and splattering it into the back of a truck, it was noted that Chris Brown has also attended 17 out of 52 domestic violence counselling sessions. That’s great news – apparently the first third of the course centres around breathing exercises, which means he’s just coming up to the bit about why you shouldn’t frenziedly attack your girlfriend because she looked at your telephone. We heard that’s the most important bit.

Either way, well done Chris Brown. We’re honestly very proud of your progress.

Yes, OK, we’re only saying that so you won’t beat us up. What of it?

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Comments

  1. SandeePB says

    This article is so negative and horrible. It’s like a cancer that keeps growing. Quit being so hateful against talented Chris Brown. What does being so hateful do for you? I’m sure jealous and insecure Rihanna hit him first and got what was coming to her just like CB got his. Chris should be a role model to every delinquent out there. At least he has followed the rules given to him and he’s proved he can change. So What of it! Give the kid a break already! He’s a good individual who hooked up with the wrong girl.

  2. Shooty* says

    It sounds a bit condescending of the judge, really. “Yes, very very good.”

    A bit like potty training a toddler. “Oh, well done. Good boy”.

    As if you don’t expect him to actually be able to do it. And that’s gotta hurt.

  3. Ladp P says

    Charlie Sheen beat the shi!# out of his wife back in December. Did the get arrested and is doing community service? I think not!

  4. Pingu says

    Wat the hell, I don’t understand how people can defend that violent moron, and as to rihanna throwing the first punch etc. His face wasn’t a bruised bloody pulp was it??

  5. Truthspeaker says

    People are so ignorant.
    ANd its also very racial.
    The white man, shooting down the black man.
    Pathetic really.
    Its mostly white people saying how Chris is pathetic, and its obvious because you all sound the same.
    That dickface, that moron, that douche bag.
    I can tell how undignified most of you are.
    Its sad really.
    Chris has a life.
    And he living it.
    So go live yours.
    :)

  6. Bunny says

    Playing the race card when his race hasn’t been brought up whatsoever, your intelligence has me in awe.

    Grow up moron.

  7. Ms Linda says

    it is the white clown who is hatein on chris because chris is a good kid yes he got hook up with the wrong girl and the world know this she was trying to make jay z jealous and fell in love with chris because the whole time rhnna & chris was together jay and chris was’nt close let start calling charlie sheen tommy lee sean penn and all of the rest who have beat their women and still is beaten up their women moron, douche bag dickface chris is young and rhinna hit that young man and kept htting hm until he started hitting back and it got bad those licks she did was hurting him justlike they would be hurting you rhinna got so much to talk about when a cd is coming of her album. what chris have to do whit her father doing drugs nothing in common nothing to say you’ll have blown her up since this happens and she is making money now when another song come out she got something said she is not saying any thing about DV she said just like charlie sheen say they do not need help she needs help she needs to work a programs and she needs to tell young ladies do not hit young men because young will hit back chris is a SUPERSTAR and stop hating because he have a light at the end of the tunnel and we the fans got chris back douchbag moron dick face and he can come and read to my grandchildren

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