Imagine you’re Chris Brown. Woah woah woah, that wasn’t an invitation to punch the woman nearest to you in the face.

Just cool your jets. Now, imagine you’re Chris Brown. You’ve been convicted of violently attacking Rihanna, so what’s the most important thing you can do? That’s right – keep quiet. And if you really have to do a TV interview, please don’t say that you can’t remember beating Rihanna up. Because, really, only a colossal numpty would try a tactic that ridiculously braindead.

Incidentally, that’s what Chris Brown said to Larry King recently. But it’s OK – he didn’t mean it.

The thing we like best about Chris Brown is his capacity to constantly surprise. We’re surprised that people like his insipid music, for example. And we’re constantly surprised whenever he fails to accidentally decapitate anyone with his giant building-sized teeth. But most of all, we’re surprised at Chris Brown’s endless array of excuses regarding the time he furiously beat Rihanna into a disgusting bloody lump.

Just to recap, Chris Brown has spent the last few months either apologising for the attack or denying it completely or half admitting it while promising that he isn’t a monster or explicitly admitting to it on the internet. But now that he’s been convicted for it, there’s nowhere left to run. Chris Brown has exhausted all of his options, and all that’s left for him to do is live with the heavy consequences of his ill-advised actions.

After all, it’s not as if he’s going to start telling people that he doesn’t know if he attacked Rihanna or not because he can’t remember, is it? Because that would be stupid, wouldn’t it? Jaw-droppingly stupid. One of the stupidest things that anyone has ever attempted in the history of mankind, in fact. What’s that? He did what? Oh…

Actually, we take that back. Trying to claim that he couldn’t remember beating Rihanna up isn’t the stupidest thing that Chris Brown could have done. Trying to claim that he couldn’t remember beating Rihanna up while wearing a ridiculous powder-blue bowtie is the stupidest thing that Chris Brown could have done. Please excuse our inaccuracy.

But while we were ready to believe Chris Brown’s foggy recollection that his violent assault on a woman was “like, wow,” he’s now decided to come clean and admit that actually he can remember thumping her senseless, as People reports:

“That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview, and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said… Of course I remember what happened. Several times during the interview, my mother said that I came to her right afterwards and told her everything. But it was and still is a blur.”

It’s obviously annoying when a TV show takes you out of context by broadcasting all the words you said in the order that you said them unedited in response to a direct question from a trusted newsman. But at least Chris Brown can reassure himself that this is as bad as it gets. He’s out of excuses now, so he’s resigned to living with the truth.

You know, at least until the next time he appears on TV and tells everyone that Rihanna was actually beaten up by a gang of rabid street-unicorns. It’ll happen.

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