Back in the day, my best friend Melissa and I used to refer to ourselves as The Glamour Twins, mostly because we, like many 20-somethings, were total hot messes who couldn’t handle our alcohol very well given that we’re both little white girls. One time I pissed myself in Cuba, and another time I tried to carry her drunk ass home and dropped her down a flight of cement stairs. But those are stories for another day.
Today, I’m here to talk to you about the TRUE Glamour Twins: Chris Brown and Tyga, a.k.a. a couple of genuine fuck-ups that make myself and Melissa look as innocent as the Duggar kids (minus the ones that swindled money from charity or had all those Ashley Madison affairs or molested his sisters…perhaps the Duggars were a bad example…)
Chris Brown and Tyga have been besties for years. Chris is even the Godfather to Tyga’s son, King, because Tyga is known for his responsible parenting choices.
This week, these two idiots have found themselves in the middle of stories you’ve heard about them a million fucking times: Chris got violent with a woman and Tyga bought something he couldn’t afford.
In Chris Brown news, the singer/raging lunatic was arrested this week on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. Officers responded to a woman’s call for help at Brown’s LA home around 3 a.m. Tuesday morning. The woman told the police that Chris had pulled a gun on her, and law enforcement officials spent several hours at Brown’s residence before he was taken into custody. You know, basically a typical Tuesday at Chris Brown’s house.
The woman at the centre of this shit show is hot mess and disgraced Miss California Regional, Baylee Curran. The spokesperson for the pageant, Joshua James, said:
She is not the current title holder. She was stripped of her crown … there were some incidents that we had to investigate, that she was displaying erratic behavior. We can’t go into detail on those matters.
James added that pageant officials have repeatedly reached out to Curran to “stop making public appearances” as the title holder, but that she has “refused to give back the crown and sash.”
Since then, Curran (who is, in all honesty, probably a total fucking lunatic), has gone on to talk to every media outlet and told them that she was at Brown’s house at 3 a.m. for a ‘business meeting’ when he caught her ‘admiring’ some of his expensive jewelry, so he pulled a gun on her and told her to get the fuck out.
In reality, I assume Brown, who is mega shady, took Curran, who is mega shady, home to probably bone and do drugs, which I assume they did. However, Curran being mega shady and crazy decided to try go all klepto on Brown’s jewelry, and Brown, also being mega shady and crazy (and presumably high) pulled a gun on her. Sounds like a classic story of fucking insane boy meets fucking insane girl and the cops get called. Again, a typical Tuesday at Chris Brown’s house.
Now, on to Tyga, who like his BFF Brown was also in LA this week doing stupid shit.
Also on Tuesday, everyone’s favorite Hollywood Hobo, Tyga, was out shopping for shit he can’t afford with his build-your-own-girlfriend, Kylie Jenner. Tyga took his teen ATM to a Bentley dealership and while they were inside, his Ferrari was getting repossessed outside! Apparently Tyga had missed a ton of his payments on the Ferrari (which is shocking since he has such a lucrative musical career) so obviously his shit got repo’d. Luckily for Tyga, Kris Jenner’s youngest and stupidest spawn was inside buying him a Bentley truck.
Seriously Kris Jenner, what the fuck are you doing? Actually no. I’m looking at all of you: Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, and Kendall, too. HOW have you not sat Kylie the fuck down and been like: Listen, this guy is a LEGITIMATE hobo who is using you for fame and money. You guys keep breaking up but then he realizes he can’t afford the lifestyle he wants OR his child support without you, so he begs you to get back together. Are you BLIND? Are you delusional?!
She is still a teenager, Kris Jenner, so can you please just ground her ass?!
You know who wouldn’t have fallen for Tyga’s shit? The original Kylie. The original Kylie was like the original Becky on ‘Roseanne’. Sure, she wasn’t as TV pretty, but she didn’t tolerate Mark’s shit as much either. Then you went and got a new, prettier Becky and she’s all knocked up by the end of the series even though Mark was also kind of a bum (unlike Tyga, Mark was hot though). New Kylie is New Becky and I’m sorry, but I’m never going to stop talking about the fact that the Kylie Jenner we see now is not the real Kylie Jenner. ‘Stranger Things’ may not have given me justice for Barb, but I will have justice for Kylie! #JusticeForKylie
One of these days I would like to hear some positive stories about these fucking idiots. Like: Chris holds door open for little old lady and amazingly doesn’t threaten her in the process, or Tyga buys practical and affordable mid-size sedan and moves into modest, one-bedroom apartment. Seriously, as much as I love writing about you guys, maybe try keeping it together for like…a month? If Melissa and I can somewhat get our shit together, then so can you. #glamourtwins