China To Guns N’ Roses: ‘Hey, Wait A Minute…’
You know Chinese Democracy? The just-released album by Guns N’ Roses that was titled to deliberately upset the Chinese government?
Well, you’ll never guess what it’s just done. A newspaper published by the Chinese government’s ruling Communist Party has got upset with the title Chinese Democracy, and accused Guns N’ Roses of ‘turning its spearpoint’ on China.
Not that the Chinese government has any real reason to worry about Guns N’ Roses’ spear - based on historical evidence we’d say that Axl Rose is going to spend the next 15 years polishing the spear to within an inch of its life, then get Shaquille O’Neal to do a rap about the spear, then build everybody’s expectations of the spear to the extent that it’ll be a horrible letdown to anyone who actually sees the spear. And then instead of stabbing anyone with it, he’ll just go and have a wank anyway.
Some said this day would never come - after a wait of approximately 350 years, more false starts than you could possibly count and the still-unexplainable employment of a man called Buckethead who always had a bucket on his head, Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses has finally been released, to the clear delight of the thirtysomething middle-management family men who made up the band’s angry young fanbase back when they were popular.
It’s been a labour of love for Axl Rose, a man who made it his own personal mission to create a semi-decent album that’s swaddled in so many overdubs, whooshy sound effects and random one-word dips into befuddling comedy Transylvanian accents that listening to it all the way through feels like scuba-diving through week-old trifle.
The weight of expectation around Chinese Democracy is so immense that it’ll never sell enough copies to justify the years and years of work ploughed into it. Unless, you know, the biggest country in the world is stupid enough to take the bait and get wound up about an album title that’s been common knowledge since the mid-1990s.
Which, hey, it has. AP reports:
In an article Monday headlined “American band releases album venomously attacking China,” the Global Times said unidentified Chinese Internet users had described the album as part of a plot by some in the West to “grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn.” The album “turns its spear point on China,” the article said.
We can’t help feeling that China might be overreacting a little bit here. Look, something tells us that Axl Rose probably wouldn’t be able to grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn if he wanted to. It took the poor sod about 15 years to come up with an album that sounds like the mediocre soundtrack to a documentary about monster trucks, for crying out loud. The sun will have expanded and swallowed Earth up by the time Axl’s even decided with shoes he’d like to wear for grasping and controlling the world using democracy as a pawn.
But still, at least China has got all this anti-Guns N’ Roses sentiment out of its system now. And with that it can begin concentrating on something a bit more relevant, like the hints of racism in that Chinaman sketch by hot new up-and-coming comedian Benny Hill.
As a tribute to “Chinese Democracy” and in the same spirit, I shall title my next few albums :
“Saudi Gender Equality”
“Zimbabwe Sensible Management Of the Economy”
and
“New Zealand Whatever It Is That You Need, I Can’t Think Of Anything Right Now”
Would be interesting to learn when over the last 15 years each of these “new songs” were actually recorded.
You reckon? REALLY? I wouldn’t find that interesting at all. Still…
“thirtysomething middle-management family men who made up the band’s angry young fanbase back when they were popular.”
Heh, that’s me that is.
Yes, because a government-published newspaper’s condemning of a shitty record by a band that’s missing it’s best member means that “the biggest country in the world is stupid.” Right. Get the fuck over yourself. And I’m sure that the newspaper published that article in those exact words in English and not in Chinese, which could have possibly made something get lost in translation. I’m sure that the American media is not just publishing another article to get people to hate China and the Commies. America’s system is fucking great. So great that you nominated, then elected, George W. Bush. Twice.
Jesus Christ, get over the Bush thing already. Like getting raped for eight solid years by a clown in a cowboy hat while the rest of the world watches and calls us assholes was fun for us. Just give it a rest already.
Whoa: heckler spray is american now?
I’ve been thinking about this: the CORE GNR members were, and always will be, Duff, Slash and Axl. Izzy didn’t LOOK right, he should have been in the Blacke Crowes, and Steve… well, FFS, he had a perm, wore trainers and was called “Steve”. There was no future there.
I am neighter Chinese nor American. I listened GNR’s old songs. But, by the way what’s the relationship between GNR and Chinese Democracy???? It seems like Gun n Rose is FINANCED for singing and titling “Chinese Democracy”. Some BAD smell is coming from GNR so I feel unjust. Otherwise, why they did not sing something like that before??? And, can Americans know that how many things are BLOCKED and BANned in their so called Country of Democracy??? Something GOOD for Americans can not be GOOD for Chinese. Similarly, something BAD for Americans can not necessarily be BAD for Chinese. It’s really BAD that westerners seems to be politicizing everything. Religions, Music everything is politicized as much as possible for getting POLITICAL power. It’s so BAD to listen MUSIC in the of politics. By the way, do MUSIC know Communism and Democracy ??? I am surprised, why westerners can not accept the progress of chinese???????????? If they are OK in their own system, then I don’t think someone is necessary to have headache about others. They are doing good progress economically, technologically, aren’t they ???
“It’s so BAD to listen MUSIC in the of politics.”
I agree.