Ah! Cheryl Cole, Princess of Hearts, Queen of light entertainment, standard-bearer for all that is good, hopeful and worthy in modern Britain.
Beloved by at least 50% of the Black Eyed Peas. A shining example of how to comport yourself through all that life throws at you, be it a cheating husband, a cheating husband, or a cheating husband. We all love Cheryl Cole, she’s a national treasure, like disappointing football teams, cheap gin or drawing knobs on schoolbooks.
Cheryl Tweedy though? Urg! Chavvy, horrible Cheryl Tweedy. Would probably knock you down for a kebab and pint of cider and black. She's a nightmare of nightmarish proportions.
She can't even sing all that well. What's that? She's got a double platinum album? And had a number one single? Doesn't mean that she doesn't sing like a pistol-whipped docker who's got his throat caught in a rusty mangle.
How fickle are the public? After she married that nice footballer chap, we couldn't get enough of Cheryl Cole’s bland pop career, her bland comments on talent shows, her bland adverts for shampoo or her amusing take on the British accent that makes her sound like an aggressively sexual uncle that turns up once a year on Boxing Day and makes a nuisance of himself until your dad throws him out. Yeah, that one. The one that probably shagged your Mum back in the day but everyone is too polite to mention it, and anyway, he's family.
Where was I?
Oh yes. Turns out that now Cheryl is going round with her maiden name, people have remembered just how dreadful she is. Even her fellow judges are getting in on the act. MTV.com proclaims mightily:
Simon had a pop at Cheryl, telling the four girls that they should not take inspiration from UK acts like Girls Aloud
And after a Romanian model caterwauled his way through Fight For This Love, Louis burped:
That was about as good as you can do it live.
Obviously, it’s a class thing. Only poshos from the south can have a name that sounds like ‘Tweed’. Anyone from the North East has to have an industrial, earthy sort of name. All she needs to do is find some other willing human receptacle with a?last name like ‘mineshaft’,?’traction engine’ or ‘glum stereotype’ to attach herself to.
Short of that, I?hear there's another footballer who exactly fits the bill – with a bit of Tippex she can even reuse the same?invitations to the wedding and keep all of her monogrammed tat. He should be back in the country on Monday.
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Natalie says
WTH!?????
There eas really NOOO need for that !!!
Youu dont know eho she is an nothin about her so back off!!!
She aint dun nuffin to youu so stop slaggin her off!!!
Its cuz ur jelazz oviously!!!!!
Annie says
Cheryl Cole is beautiful and classy. She truly is a national treasure. However, maybe she should stick by ashley who might have learnt the lesson. They look so beautiful together.
JMTaylor says
Sorry, but does anybody under the age of 25 know how to spell these days? Or know any grammatical rules? No, thought not.
KungxFu says
Cheryl Cole is CLASSY? I’m sorry but what exactly do you find classy about fake teeth, fake hair.. OH! And punching innocent toilet attendants?
Bravo for the article, anything anti- our “national-treasure” keeps me happy :)
Tim says
‘her amusing take on the British accent’
FUCK OFF, it’s better than the Estuary trash that’s taken over much of Southern England.
speechless says
Cheryl Cole mmmm you mean the person that is on the front of the newspapers and magazines every every every every every daaaaaaaaaaaay? Why? Nice that she is we are sick sick sick of hearing about her. Well, seeing her because there is never any news!!! NO NEWS but takes up 3 pages. Is there no one else out there to write about or show us pictures of. Her record would never NEVER have sold so many if it hadnt been promoted by Xfactor with an audience of 12 million. And you bet you will start hearing about the new album on Xfactor pretty soon and again it will be No 1 because the xfactor fans are so gullible (and deaf). Come on give us a break Cheryl is fine but too much is boooorring.