Cheryl Cole In ‘Pale, Thin And Vague’ Shock

Good news, everyone! Cheryl Cole has recovered from her malaria! She’s completely, definitely 100% better.

How do we know this? Because she was seen buying a coffee at a service station recently? No, it’s because staff at the coffee shop described Cheryl Cole as looking ‘pale’ and ‘thin’ and ‘not fully with it’ when she bought her coffee. Pale and thin and not fully with it? That’s the Cheryl Cole we know and love!

Obviously there’s still a way to go until she’s back at the peak of her powers – when she bought the coffee Cheryl Cole was wearing jeans and a cotton top and not an impractical-looking designer dress made out of cutlery, and she didn’t even beat up any toilet attendants when the opportunity presented itself – but this paleness, thinness and vagueness is a very good sign. Well done Cheryl Cole!

If this whole Cheryl Cole thing has taught us anything, it’s that malaria is overrated. Sure, it might still kill millions of people every year, but just look at Cheryl Cole – she’s not dead. In fact, she’s done pretty bloody well out of it.

No, really, she has. She’s a national hero just because she couldn’t be bothered to take some pills for a few days. She’s managed to wriggle out of the most tiresome part of X Factor. The illness didn’t affect her hair, possibly her most lucrative body part. And, best of all, her three most notable traits – being thin, being pale and not really understanding anything that’s going on around her – are back in full force. The Sun reports:

Battling Cheryl Cole worried Starbucks staff because she looked so “pale and thin” when she popped in for a coffee.  The workers said she still appeared to be suffering the effects of her recent bout of malaria. One said: “She seemed a bit vague and not fully with it.”

Oh, wait, what’s that? Cheryl Cole’s thinness, paleness and vagueness are signs that she’s not completely better? Then, OK, whoops, disregard everything we just said. Wow, don’t we look like a bunch of insensitive arseholes now.

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