Cher Lloyd Is A Monster, According To The Monstrous Louis Walsh

On hecklerspray, as in life, sometimes it is necessary to choose sides. Sometimes it’s easy and you can choose a party who has been cheated on or lied to and who isn’t acting like an overgrown baby about every little thing.

Then sometimes you just have to choose the lesser of two evils.

When it’s a straight shoot-out between argumentative Kenneth Williams impersonator Louis Walsh and pint-sized “hater” hater and Swagger Jagger inflicter Cher Lloyd the lines become blurred and shades of grey begin to set in. Eventually we just had to be loyal and consider who we’d hated the longest.

Yes, desperate publicity seeker Louis Walsh has hit out at poor, defenceless Cher, stating that the 18-year old “could turn into a monster.”

The X Factor judge, who has previously pointed his bony finger and whined that the Swagger Jagger star was “out of control”, said in a magazine interview that new X Factor panelist Tulisa Contostavlos was a “good role model for girls, unlike Cher Lloyd.” This is the Tulisa Contostavlos who is in a band with a man who bullies teenagers who don’t like his music. We’d usually let her off for that but you do see cases of people being jailed because their dog mauled someone. It’s largely the same principle.

The man who is actually responsible for most Irish musical atrocities (minus U2) explained:

“Cher Lloyd and me are like oil and water. I just didn’t like her attitude backstage. It was like she thought she was a popstar.”

Oil and water don’t mix, for the benefit of anyone that isn’t a fan of science. However, oil is actually less dense than water which is a pretty effective way to describe the concept of a grown man in the public eye having a dig at a child for letting fame go to her head a bit. Not only that though- oil floats on water. In certain schools of thought it could be argued that oil is above water.

Mr Walsh should realise that his use of grammar and scientific constructs will be fresh in the mind of Ms Lloyd’s fans as most have just got their GCSE results and know that by constructing a sentence where you place yourself in the role of the inferior product, you are opening yourself up to mockery on websites that have nothing better to do than pick apart sentence structure.

There’s nothing wrong with slagging off Cher Lloyd of course. We think she’s a bit rubbish and it is everyone’s right to think so. However, attempting to dent the confidence of a young talent (no matter how limited) in order to reassure one’s self that a flagging career might not be doomed forever and that one is still relevant is verging on pathetic.

Oh wait… hang on. That’s us.

Louis Walsh is a dick too though.

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