Charlotte Church, the nation’s favourite tiresomely opinionated young opera star, has given birth to a baby girl fathered by her painfully narcissistic bright orange rugby player boyfriend Gavin Henson.

Born on Thursday night, the name of Charlotte Church’s new baby daughter has yet to be revealed. But that’s not important yet – what’s important is the myriad violent changes that will be occurring within the Church household now there’s been a new arrival. For instance, it’s bound to be a shock to be confronted by a constantly wailing, funny-coloured, attention-seeking creature with little or no bowel control and a voice specifically designed to instantly set everyone around it on edge – but, hey, the baby’s just going to have to get used to having Charlotte Church for a mother, isn’t she?