“I think of myself as a highly sexual creature.” –Charlize Theron
If man were to build the perfect woman from scratch?taking into consideration personality, body type, face, etc.?that woman would be Charlize Theron. Not only is she damn attractive, she’s also funny, gracious and, somehow, she never makes a misstep. All of this leads me to one conclusion: Charlize Theron is a robot.
How can a woman this flawless exist organically in nature? It’s impossible. And in this piece, I seek to prove that Charlize is the genetically altered, animatronic result of a fan boy’s?nay, every boy’s?wet dream.
Exhibit A. Most hot women feign modesty and/or pretend to have no idea just how attractive they are. You know the old routine: “Oh, I’m such a tomboy,” “Oh, I eat whatever I want, I’m such a pig,” “Oh, I burp sometimes,” blah, blah, blah.
Charlize Theron doesn’t even bother with that shit. She’s hot, she knows it, and she’s fine with us knowing that she knows it. And that unabashed confidence just makes her even hotter.
Secondly, the woman is pretty damn funny. She’s not afraid to be dumb, goofy, or even ugly. Have you seen her Funny or Die videos? If not, I suggest you check out Charlize’s ‘Sittin’ On Tha Toilet‘ parody:
Defecation has never been this sexy. I actually ?now even enjoy watching the original ‘Sittin’ On That Toilet’ video, just because it reminds me of Charlize.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhlonjgqGPk
And then there are these little sound bites from Charlize-a-tron:
?You know what I can't stand? I hate actors who come and quote Nietzsche. I don't like pretentious shit.”
I’m happy for people who want to get married. It’s not my thing.
“I need to be around people who understand we're not curing cancer here.”
The woman is incredibly down to earth. Maybe too down to earth?
And then there’s her penchant for pot. Yes, Charlize Theron smokes pot. How is it possible that a woman is this hot, this charming, and she loves getting high? And not only does she get high, she gets high out of a makeshift bong:
If I had no idea who Charlize Theron was, and someone told me a woman like this existed, I would think they’ve lost their shit. It’s impossible that she’s real.
And it doesn’t stop there. She also enjoys UFC. While on Conan, Theron revealed: “I’m absolutely obsessed. These guys are incredible athletes.”
I don’t even fucking like UFC, to be honest with you. But somehow, this amazes me.
Even Charlize knows she’s perfect. When asked about her New Year’s resolutions, she said:
“The thing is, I’m kind of perfect. That’s kind of the problem. The problem is, when you’re perfect, there’s nothing left.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylRFgZT-vuk
Of course, there’s also the obvious. She’s incredible at her job. The Road, Monster, The Devil’s Advocate?the woman can act the shit out of a movie. She even made Hancock bearable.
Maybe it’s the conspiracy theorist in me talking, but I think it’s pretty obvious that Charlize Theron is a robot. This might be a stretch, but my guess is, she’s? been manufactured by the powers that be in an attempt to cultivate peace and harmony within Western society using only her hotness and charms.
And you know what? I’m totally okay with that.
Ryan says
After being so unpopular and constantly bullied in primary school… You should send this piece to those populars who attended putfontein laerskool that considered her a worthless nobody
Ryan says
Ok, its been a while since i posted that peice of shit comment above, but finally i got in touch with the “Populars” from my old school, just to show them what i had become…………as it turns out, 5 of them are politicians, 12 are actors, but now use a screename given to them by Sony, a further 4 of them are Neurosurgeons and 1 actually won the lottery, so i say to all of them….FUCK YOU YOU BASTARDS !!!, i worked my arse off to get where i am today, and you fuckers are still beating me, i’m now the assistant to the assistant manager of the frozen food aisle at Asda, one day i will be greater than all of you, go fuck yourselves twats !!!!!!