Charlize Theron seems like a dope ass chick. The type that still will drink beer out of a pitcher and laugh at a good dick joke even though she’s super famous and an Oscar winner. And I like that about her, I respect that. I am even willing to (somewhat) overlook this whole Sean Penn mid life crisis she is going through because of it.
Now she’s just gained a few more awesome points in my book because she has called out all the dumb bitches going “gluten free” for no reason other than weight loss and being cool. Wait for the backlash from the burnt ass crunchies in 3..2..1…
Charlize Theron was on Chelsea Lately! and decided her life wasn’t in enough danger by sleeping with the paparazzi enemy known as the First Mr. Madonna, Sean Penn, so she made some comments that are sure to piss off hipsters everywhere. She dared to go after the current trend of the last year, the gluten-free diet. This fad, otherwise known as the taste-free diet, has taken over the nation harder than the Macarena did. Everyone and their grandmother is suddenly “allergic” to gluten and must do all their shopping at Trader Joes and Whole Foods in order to save their lives. You may be on WIC, but dammit you deserve almond flour that costs $6.99 a pound because you NEED it.
Apparently, one of these bitches is Chelsea Handler herself, who gave all her friends, including Theron, gluten-free cupcakes for Christmas. Now, besides for the obvious “Trick, you’re rich and you’re giving me a $12 cupcake as a present?” issue, Charlize also was unhappy because that shit tasted like cardboard and sawdust. The disappointment over not biting into something deliciously moist and sugar high inducing was way worse than the cheapass factor.
“I just think that if you are gonna send a gift, let it be enjoyable. Why send me a fucking cupcake with no sugar in it? What’s the use? There’s no use. It tastes like cardboard! And this was the ultimate test, I was in the middle of a fitting with a bunch of ‘fashion people’ and they love skinny stuff. I had them taste it and even they couldn’t eat it. Then I tried, I said, ‘You know, I love my cleaning ladies, I’m gonna give-’ They wouldn’t even eat it. My dogs wouldn’t even eat it. I couldn’t get rid of the goddamned cupcakes in my kitchen.”
Girl, I get you. I know plenty of gluten-free people that swear you can’t tell the difference, but I think that’s just the lie they’ve convinced themselves of to get past the pan of never experiencing something that tastes good again. That isn’t your mouth salivating at the thought of gluten-free pancakes, hipsters, that is just the tears of your taste buds. And dogs eat their own shit, so if they’re turning their nose up at some food, you know it’s terrible.
And in case Charlize didn’t piss off the crunchies enough by calling their food shit, she went on to further call them out for being stupid as well as crappy bakers.
“I think the gluten-free thing is bullshit. I’m sorry, that’s just me. I don’t believe it and I think studies now recently just proved that it is bullshit. But I actually do think it’s bullshit.”
You smell that? That sudden strong scent of essential oils and DIY laundry detergent? It’s the Granola Gang, and they’re coming for you, Charlize. And if my eyes don’t deceive me, I think Gwyneth Paltrow might be leading the army in all her pretentious GOOP glory. I don’t think even Penn is scary enough to ward off these crazies. I will pray for you, my soul sister. And by pray I mean eat all the damn gluten-filled delicious chocolate cupcakes I can find as a sign of solidarity.