If we were to make a list of women we’d want to attack in an angry display of jealousy, then Charlie Sheen’s new wife Brooke Mueller would be top of the list.

Why? Because she’s married to Charlie Sheen, that’s why! We’ve had our eye on him for ages and, by getting married to him on Friday, Brooke Mueller has swiped him right out from under our noses. We’ll never get to star in a bitter reality TV show about why we hate our ex-husband Charlie Sheen now! Never!

Brooke Mueller, you heed our words - next time you spy Charlie Sheen looking at internet porn sites featuring very young girls or get caught on the wrong end of a foul-mouthed Charlie Sheen tirade about why it’s funny that your mother’s got cancer, remember that the crushing, life-sapping sense of anguish you feel was meant for us. Us!

Trying to pick a side in the ongoing public squabble between former marrieds Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen is an unwinnable task.

Pick Denise and you side with a woman happy to whore out her kids in a reality show and then promote that reality show by giving a number of mad-eyed ultra-defensive TV interviews; pick Charlie and you’re siding with Charlie Sheen, author of the masterpieces “You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go fuck yourself sad jobless pig,” and “Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and fucking nigger alright so fuck you.”

However, none of that counts for anything now because, as obviously hilarious as watching Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards smash each other to pulp in public is, Charlie Sheen has moved on with his life and married Brooke Mueller - a woman who can’t be judged against Denise Richards because although she’s never had hot lesbian sex with Neve Campbell on film, she’s also never gone batshit and thrown computers at old women. Balances out.

Anyway, on Friday Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller got married and it was a lovely ceremony, marking the only time when it’s OK to use the words ‘Charlie Sheen’ and ‘lovely’ in the same sentence. E! Online reports:

E! News confirms that the Two and a Half Men star swapped vows with live-in love Brooke Mueller Friday in front of about 60 people at a private estate in the gated Los Angeles community of Beverly Park. All dolled up for the occasion were Sheen’s two daughters with ex-wife Denise Richards, Sam, 4, and Lola, who will be 3 next month. The actor’s ever-supportive dad, Martin Sheen, and mom Janet were also in attendance.

Charlie Sheen obviously has a very strong devotion towards Brooke, because he’s had several of his tattoos lasered off just to please her; and she’s obviously madly in love with him because, well, he’s Charlie Sheen and she hasn’t been freaked out by him yet.

So maybe Brooke Mueller really is the person to turn Charlie Sheen’s life around and instill a new sense of purpose and calm into him.

God, that’d be rubbish. Fingers crossed that she turns out to be mental.