As the sound of riotous laughter at Charlie Sheen’s kerraazy antics begins to quieten, and morph into more of an embarrassed chuckle, we must ask ourselves what the tragic actor’s manic spree of self-delusionary word vomiting has left us with.
Has he changed the world somehow, perhaps by using his “warlock brain” to unlock the secret of ending Third World poverty? Or has he unleashed a new narcotic plague on us all, with the unveiling of a new drug “called Charlie Sheen“?
Nah. Neither of those, because they are merely the sparkings of an electrically unbalanced brain. The one thing Charlie Sheen has left us with is the knowledge that celebrities are different to us, in that they each use the blood of animals to carry oxygen round their bodies and that. Charlie Sheen of course, has “tiger blood“. But what do other celebrities have running through their veins? Come and leap over the jump to find out…
Welcome to the world’s first scientifically validated description of celebrity blood types. No, there will be no talk of A, AB and O negative here. What we’re after is getting at the specific species of animal whose blood supplies essential nutrients to celebs’ bodies. Charlie Sheen’s is famously the tiger, but what about……
Snooki: Star of reality horror show Jersey Shore and the woman who has fucked more Italians than Silvio Berlusconi. The thimble of blood required to keep this little lady alive is 100% squirrel: experts decided she was a perfect match for the tiny, sun-loving nut addicts.
Steven Tyler: Rock ‘n’ roll hero and latterly star of American Idol. His leathery grannyface and sandpapered throat obviously require severely restricted flow of thick, molasses-like blood. And Steven’s haematological choice? The komodo dragon. Yes, Steven Tyler’s veins are filled with komodo dragon blood.
Ashton Kutcher: Galactically annoying star of a couple of terrible movies, and current plougher of Demi Moore‘s dried-up fields, Ashton is the very embodiment of the phrase “that fella who twats about on Twitter and makes me want to chainsaw me own head off“. You might not be be surprised to learn that Kutcher’s circulatory system is filled to the brim with the blood of wasps. Annoying, picnic-seeking, enjoyment-banishing wasps.
Robert Pattinson: Waifish star of some vampire movies, pasty Pattinson would appear at first glance to not contain a single blood cell. In fact, this is because his has been replaced with that of the giant isopod, shrimplike creatures which infest the deep, cold Atlantic waters. Experts believe it is this blood which gives him his impenetrable air of “casual indifference“, sometimes also referred to as “shitawful acting ability“.
Simon Cowell: This thickly haired celebrity badman is famous for his snide comments and cutting asides. Yet he is kept alive by the circulation of nothing less than the blood of those beautiful, sensitive creatures known as unicorns. Oh, but there is this: the blood is extracted by tying unicorns to tree stumps in the middle of a swamp, into which jars full of leeches are emptied which mercilessly and painfully drain the unicorns of their magical blood. Then, just as the horny horses are about to pass out from lack of oxygen, Cowell walks up to them and whispers a really bitchy comment into their ears about how dreadful their manes look or something.
We hope that all of these true facts give you something to think about the next time you see a celebrity dicking around on telly. It may not be their fault; perhaps their minds have just become temporarily consumed by the instincts within their haemoglobin.
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