It doesn’t matter that Charlie Sheen pleaded not guilty to his charges of domestic violence this week.

He’ll still be punished. At the moment Charlie Sheen’s grand plan is to claim that his wife made the whole story up because she’s an alcoholic crack addict – but even if that tactic leads to Charlie Sheen avoiding a judicial punishment, he’ll still have to face a heavy penalty. A worse penalty, even.

You see, it’s just emerged that Charlie Sheen has returned from rehab to work on Two And A Half Men, but he’s brought a sober coach with him to keep him off booze. That means that, from now on, Charlie Sheen will have to experience the one thing on this planet that’s more unrelentingly miserable than Two And A Half Men – Two And A Half Men sober. Karma can be right bastard sometimes, can’t it?

Looks like Two And A Half Men can turn a man to drink. Who knew? Well, actually, we knew – every time we hear the Two And A Half Men theme-tune we have a Pavlovian urge to drink. More specifically we have a Pavlovian urge to drink bleach and rub fistfuls of gravel into our eyes and hack away at ourselves with bit of broken glass while screaming “WHY, GOD? WHY” at the uncaring sky above us as loudly as our lungs will allow.

We just don’t like Two And A Half Men very much, that’s our point. We suppose we could just turn it off. It’d certainly cut down on our gravel bills.

But anyway, we’re not alone. Two And A Half Men has also turned Charlie Sheen to drink. Between his arrest for domestic violence at Christmas, his wife’s reported crack addiction and the fact that watching an episode of Two And A Half Men is about as fun as watching a documentary about explosive botulism filmed by a chorus of weeping Russian babies while you’re repeatedly smacked in the testicles by a cricket bat made from barbed wire and dirty syringes, Charlie Sheen is apparently finding it hard to stay on the wagon.

And so, now that he’s returned to the Two And A Half Men set after a brief stint at rehab, he’s decided to bring his very own sober coach with him. Radaronline reports:

Charlie Sheen is being shadowed by a “sober coach,” even as he works on the set of his hit show Two and a Half Men. He is filming his show during the day and returning to rehab at night. Now, RadarOnline.com has learned that Charlie – by his own choice – is being followed by a “sober coach” all day to make sure that he does not drink or do drugs.

We’re not sure if that’s the same sober coach who sat with Charlie on Christmas eve as he drank alcohol and then allegedly held a knife to his wife’s throat. But let’s hope so – jobs are hard to come by at the moment, and we wouldn’t like to see a man get fired just because he failed to stop the one specific thing that he’s employed to stop from happening.

But let’s look on the bright side here. Charlie Sheen is now going to the Two And A Half Men set in possibly the most sober state he’s ever been in. It can only be a metter of time before he realises that it’s rubbish and quits, surely.

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