Charlie Sheen Has A New Girlfriend And Everyone Hopes She’s A Bit Mental

Hey look! It’s Charlie Sheen again! Man alive, he’s keeping us in super strength cans of ale and smokes! We’re pretty sure Sheen would be simultaneously proud and embarrassed of our lifestyle. Yes, we’re frittering away our money on beer and fags, but it’s nothing compared to suitcases of coke and closets filled with crying women.

We’re trying Chuck, we’re really trying (no, not that kind of trying).

However, we’ve got vaguely worrying news. Chuck Sheen has gone and got himself a woman and has started mooching around his place of work again. Has his ‘lost weekend’ finally come to an end, leaving us all to ignore Two And A Half Men all over again?

Sheen, blinking in the sun and running his tongue over his perfect golden teeth, is all ready to disappoint us all by claiming that he ready to return to work on his sitcom.

Of course, Charlie hasn’t been in work for a while – he “fell ill” on January 27th having the most fun sickie in the history of humankind – and went to rehab to ‘sort himself out’. Essentially, rehab is like getting a sicknote from the doctor if you’re a celebrity. Either way, since Sheen found out that he was ‘poorly’, producers suspended production on the CBS series.

Sheeno said:

“I’m going back to work and I was banging on the stage door like, ”Hello … Where is everybody?” … I don’t know what happened … I guess they’re closed”

We’d much prefer it if Charlie was found doing that at the front door of his own house, confused at no-one being in, not realising that the person he’s expecting is himself, gakked-up and thudding at the porch like a confused war veteran with shrapnel in his brain.

So is the show in hiatus?

“We’re in forced hiatus … [the show”s producers said,] ”You get ready and we’ll get ready” … and I got ready and went back and nobody was there … I don’t know what to tell ya, Dan, nobody’s there.”

“I’m here and I’m ready – they’re not — bring it.”

Sheen presumably hoovered up an entire fleet of vehicles up his nostril before farting out the entirely pointless Smart cars.

And why is Charlie getting his act together?

Well, while he’s been divorcing Brooke Mueller, he’s been getting himself a girlfriend. He’s not giving any names at the moment, but surely we’re not alone in hoping that she’s as mental as he is and in possession of a ravenous appetite for sex, drugs and punching light fittings?

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