Even though Two And A Half Men is about as funny as a red-hot melted-glass enema, you have to hand it to Charlie Sheen for the way he's constantly able to verbally lash out at ex-wife Denise Richards in such a consistently amusing way.
No, really, we mean it. Now that Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are deeply entrenched in their argument over child custody or who's had the most disappointing movie career or whatever, it's given both Charlie and Denise a chance to show the world how hilarious they can be. After Denise Richards recent 'Charlie Sheen gets his balls out on webcams' claim, Charlie Sheen has gone one better and allegedly written Denise Richards some emails where he a) repeatedly uses the phrase 'sad, jobless pig' and b) makes cancer jokes about her mother. Oh Charlie Sheen, how you keep coming up with these dazzling one-liners is beyond us.
Now that George Clooney's pig is dead and all the other pigs have chased Victoria Beckham out of town, there just aren't that many pigs left for Heather Mills to point at any more. And this tragic absence of pigs has created something of a pig-based power vacuum for the role of King Pig in Hollywood. Naturally Alec Baldwin's daughter Ireland was the obvious choice to fill the position since she's perhaps the rudest, most thoughtless pig the world has ever seen. But now, in a West Side Story-style gang-off, the Rude Thoughtless Pigs are about to come face to face to with the Sad Jobless Pigs in a battle royale for the Famous Pig crown. And Ireland Baldwin has every reason to be afraid, because leader of the Sad Jobless Pigs is Denise Richards, and if Denise Richards can hurl computer equipment at wheelchair-bound old ladies, just think of the mess she'd make with an 11-year-old girl.
But wait, we're getting ahead of ourselves. We only found out about Denise Richards being a sad jobless pig through an email that Charlie Sheen apparently wrote her as part of the ongoing Charlie Sheen/ Denise Richards twat-off that's so far included accusations of child pornography, accusations of prostitute-murder, a swathe of racially confused slurs, accusations of phoning the other one up all the time and – perhaps most disgusting of all – full sexual intercourse with a member of Bon Jovi.
And the Charlie Sheen/ Denise Richards spat shows now sign of letting up, either. Just the other week Denise Richards accused Charlie Sheen of webcamming his man-sausage to girls on the internet, and now comes the latest chapter – where Charlie Sheen apparently emails Denise Richards about how much of a sad jobless pig he considers her to be. The New York Post reports:
"GO cry to your bald mom, you [bleeping] loser," Charlie Sheen wrote to Denise Richards in an e-mail the actress included in documents filed last week in L.A. Superior Court in the couple's custody battle. "You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go [bleep] yourself sad jobless pig," reads another. "You are an evil piece of [bleep]. I can't wait to tell the world what a piece of [bleep] you are. You don't get a [bleeping] dime till this is resolved," says a third e-mail. Richards says in her court filing that she was particularly hurt by the one about her mother, who is undergoing chemotherapy treatments for cancer.
Of course, as hilarious as the increasingly bitter feud between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards is, it's important to remember that they're fighting over custody of their children, lending the whole story a very tragic undercur… oh who are we kidding? This is the funniest thing we've ever heard.
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ha-dooou-ken! says
so, Charlie thinks shes a sad jobless pig then?
Adam Gade says
I think Charles and Alec Baldwin went to the same insulting seminar: “Making ‘Pig’ Work For You”.
Michael says
Denise is full of sh*t, retarded coke whore. She is so freaking jealous of Brooke and Charlie that she can’t just leave them alone. She waffles back and forth from trying to be their best friends and seducing him for another child and releasing BS like this when he rejects her. Charlie finally looks happy – can we all just give the guy a break and let him be happy for once, he’s given us years of entertainment with his acting and tabloid stories. It looks like he just wants to settle down and avoid the drama. Leave him alone, Denise!!! If any of this BS were true, he’d be behind bars not on a hit TV show!
I think his e-mails pretty much hit the nail on the head!
Rick says
Denise Richards has to date:
1) Been ostracized in her former neighborhood to the extent she was forced out. Reason: screwing Richie Sambora, her supposed best firends, Heather Locklear’s ex-husband, almost immediately after Locklear divorced him.
2) Sent over 40 emails to Mueller, Sheen’s fiancee, in a phony show of friendship while attempting to get Sheen back. Also edited one email from Mueller which Mueller now is giving to the judge along with the other emails from Richards
3) Wants to have another baby w/Sheen (documented proof)
4) Has repeatedly tired to bust the prenup agreement she signed w/Sheen and has attached everything Sheen has, including his retirement accounts, although the court has not ruled she can have anytihing
5) Made false allegations of child porn against Sheen. Charlie turned every computer he had over to the FBI and then gave the judge the results. No child porn.
6) Made the same allegations against Sheen, although she has not lived with him for 2 years
7) Protested furiously when Sheen & Mueller made the cover of People on their engagement, venting her jealousy to the point she stated she didn’t believe they even loved each other and just wanted the publicity
8) Didn’t work in all of 2006 other than having a torrid in the public affair w/Sambora
9) Claimed Locklear wasn’t her best friend for life so she basically didn’t feel she owed Locklear any explanatin for carrying on an affair w/Sambora (Locklear, Richards WERE close w/Locklear IN the hospital right after Richard’s daughter’s birth etc)
Basically, Sheen needs to kill any emails with Richards. Richards has no credibility by her own actions and Charlie is just shooting himself in the foot by not controlling the keyboard typing. Richards is a gold digger out for anything she can get and her jealousy is even more outrageous than Charlie’s anger. She phones continually if the girls are there for visitation etc.
The Tampon says
I suggest if anyone knows Rick they contact the police, this is a school massacre waiting to happen.
Adam Gade says
Well, the way I see it is: Sheen-Platoon and Richards-Starship Troopers. Unfortunately, my vote goes to Sheen.