Time to add ‘begging’ to Octomom’s already solid resume of ‘stripping,’ ‘porno,’ and ‘gratuitous publicity whoring.’ The mother of 14 is reaching out to her, um, fans to help foot the bill on a new house.
Why would she need a new house? Well, it seems Nadya Suleman learned the hard way that excessive spending on plastic surgery is about as good of an investment as lottery tickets or Nokia shares. As a result of many missteps, the delusional mom has lost her home to foreclosure and filed for bankruptcy.
But all is not lost. She set up a fund whereby you can donate online to help her raise the $150,000 she “needs” for a down payment on the house that will probably be foreclosed soon after.
This news completely inspired me to think of other superfluous, ridiculous, or wholly undeserving charity cases that could rival Octomom’s plea for assistance.
I figured one of my best bets for finding other assholes with the same obscured sense of entitlement would be to return to the scene of the crime, namely the online site that Octomom is using to raise her funds.
Let me tell you– my search at GoFundMe.com did not disappoint.
I was smugly satisfied to see that Octomom isn’t doing so hot– only having raised about one percent of her goal– but more importantly I was happy to see she wasn’t alone in her vapid quest for others to fund her insatiable need for fame. There’s an entire ‘Competitions and Pageants’ category, which I believe can also be found under ‘Fund the Patriarchy.’
Why buy a new pair of shoes for you when you could buy a new pair of shoes for a beauty queen? I’m sure they’ll look better on her anyway. Just think: your $100 could go toward her hairspray allotment for the show! Plus, the less time she spends having to work over old, dirty men to fund her pageant wardrobe, the more time it frees up for her to instill in younger generations that using the Master’s tools can dismantle the Master’s house, but only if your “pretty tool” is good enough.
If you’re comfortable with 68 percent of your donation going toward salaries, travel, and production, and the remaining portion used to promote slacktivism, then by all means, donate away.
However, I must point out that tweeting, liking, and sharing does fuck all, so please make sure your hipster bankroll does the talking. I heard Jason Russell could use some more tissues and lotion.
Mike Tyson’s exotic cat and facial tattoo fund
Ok, so this one doesn’t exist, but I don’t see why it has to continue to not exist.
Tyson has famously shared his story of bankruptcy, having blown nearly $300 million on some of the essentials, like Bengal tigers and iced out accessories. I’d personally like to fund his cat habit first, then some elaborate artwork on his face. I know a lot of the real estate is used up, but I think with the right artist, we can make it work.
I mean, what other celebrity would you rather support? Kim Basinger? I’d trust Tyson more than I’d trust a person who spent $20 million to purchase a town in Georgia. Face tattoos are one thing, but Georgia?
Ease the suffering of victims of TBA
If you’re not an Arrested Development fan, I’ll assume you are dim-witted and haven’t gotten any of my jokes to this point anyway. I’d also guess that you’d be the type of person to donate to TBA and tweet/post about Kony. In sum, you disgust me.
Pay Tan Mom to start tanning again
It would seem that Tan Mom, who goes by Patricia Krentcil, took on InTouch Weekly’s 30-day challenge to stop tanning, which is the first step in disproving the common belief that once you go black, you never go back.
I’m guessing it would take little to no persuasion to get this loony back in the beds– by looking at her, I’d guess a pack of cigs would do the trick– but just to know you had a small part as an enabler is the only reward you’d ever need.