Channing Tatum’s Movies Prove That He Hates Acting

Channing Tatum in the film, Magic Mike.

I guess you could call Channing Tatum an actor. I don?t hate the man, but asking him to act is like asking a chef to make a hamburger, only to be given an air conditioning unit. You?d remark ?This is far from what I wanted.? And then the chef would unzip his face to reveal Channing Tatum underneath, and you?d say ?Oh, that explains it.?

I?m starting to think that he hates acting. At least that?s the impression that his movies give me.

Channing Tatum started out as a stripper and hasn?t really changed since. Now, I?m not dissing strippers, because I think they provide an excellent way to pay for a degree using your hotness instead of your ?intelligence.? They?re a meaningful part of the ecosystem. They give use to abandoned buildings on the corners of intersections, and they provide employment to bouncers who are more tattooed walrus than human. I?m sure Channing was an amazing stripper.

Channing Tatum stripping.

However, Channing pretty much does the same thing in his films that he did on stage. He gyrates a bit, he takes off his shirt and flexes. He might say something charming every once in a while. He can be funny, in the same way that being a male stripper is inherently funny. And he can be sensitive, in the same way that male strippers need love too.

A lot of Channing fans bring up films like 21 Jump Street when they praise him. That was a pretty funny movie. But just because someone was funny once in one movie doesn?t make them an actor worth getting behind. When trying to defend him in the face of primarily dudes, they?ll name the G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra movie as a reason to get dig him, because it?s called G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra and therefore all men are dumb enough to say ?Big explosions and a Wayans brother! So good! Where is my shirt? Oh, there it is. I was using it for pants.?

He?s a pretty good dancer. I did see the Step Up films, because I support equal rights for women, and that means giving them a movie choice in between every four movies that I want to see. And I did see the skill of the guy with a top half shaped like a bar stool break dance and grind on hot girls.

But did you listen to any line he said in that movie, or any line he?s ever said in any movie? He recites dialogue like it?s his last day at a shitty job. If you asked Channing Tatum to give more emotion, he wouldn?t able to muster up the humanity to even get frustrated about you.

His biggest lack of care was in Public Enemies, which was shit overall, but featuring two great actors, Johnny Depp and Christian Bale. When you?re co-starring in a movie with them, you have to bring you?re A-Game. Hell, you have to bring your Sleep With Your Professor-Game. Channing played notorious gangster, Pretty Boy Floyd, and he had about thirty second to shine as brightly as he could before he gurgled blood and died.

Channing never quite grasped the idea that he might need to do his best in the limited time he was given. He did what you might consider a ?rough draft? of acting. He monotone?d through it and was about as engaging as a parade for glacier awareness. He probably had more to do, but director Michael Mann was too asleep to film any of it.

You can?t really logically support him, unless you?re attracted to him. I?m not saying that that?s a bad reason either. The dude is good looking. I support a lot of things because I?m attracted to the person in it. I don?t buy Eva Mendes? shampoo, but I dig that shampoo, because Eva Mendes is the hottest woman alive, and she could be selling air freshener that smelled like the cancer you?re doomed to get, and I?d still consider jerking off to the commercial.

Eva Mendes in a shampoo commercial.

However, there is one thing worse than his acting ability, and that?s the guys who got pissed off about Magic Mike. Magic Mike came out in theatres a little while ago, but the Blu Ray will be released soon, which means that every man who?s paranoid about their junk size in America (most of them) will post a Facebook status about it.

I swear to God, men of America, there wasn?t a special 3-D feature in Magic Mike that made Matthew McConaughey come out of the screen to pound your lady. I know that might seem possible, considering they have abs and you?re not Matthew McConaughey, but it?s farfetched and you should be ashamed of yourself for saying ?Hey, public! I?m fairly inadequate!?

Channing remains in the realm of stripping. I won?t fault him for trying to ?act.? Unless he isn?t, which would make complete sense. Just mount a pole in whatever bland aircraft base the G.I. Joe production team is using, and let that man do his business.


  1. Ray says

    The Brother is not that bad. Seriously, People make it seems like he’s the worst. G.I Joe was horrible but everyone in that movie was. He was pretty good in A guide to recognizing your own saint, Hilarious 21 jump street and The dilemma. decent in Haywire and good in magic mike. if anything the brother has improve since G.I joe. I cant hate him for that especially when he said himself that he’s acting is not good but hopes to improve. win points of my book.

  2. Cynthia says

    I went to see Magic Mike and only seeing Channing Tatum’s butt in the opening scene made it worthwhile. If anyone saw Magic Mike and thought it was anything but Tatum’s belief that “women will come see me because I’m hot” they are deluding themselves. And while 21 Jump Street was funny, any hot guy could have played opposite Jonah Hill and done just as well. Rise of the Cobra was so awful I felt bad for anyone who’d spent money to see it.

    Tatum knows he’s hot and that he doesn’t have to act. He also knows he can make a movie for $5M and make $70M+ from it. He can retire gorgeous and minimally talented. I wish I could too!