Channing Tatum Burns His Cock Off

Channing Tatum, Channing tatum cock, The Eagle Of The NinthWell, alright, that isn’t completely true – Channing Tatum didn’t burn his cock off, he just scorched it a bit.

Oh, that’s not strictly true either. Channing Tatum didn’t scorch his cock, he just poured boiling water all over it. Or someone else did. Look, the details aren’t really that important here – what’s important is that Channing Tatum was rushed to hospital to get his cock bandaged up recently because someone decided to pour a load of boiling water all over it.

At this point some of you may be asking yourself “But hecklerspray, who’s Channing Tatum?” To which we say this: IT DOESN’T MATTER! HE POURED BOILING WATER ALL OVER HIS COCK! THAT’S HILARIOUS! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Actually, let’s give that last question of yours the respectful answer it deserves. If you had asked that question a week ago, we would have told you that Channing Tatum is a 29-year-old actor who is most famous for his roles in films like Step Up 2: The Streets and GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra. But you didn’t ask the question a week ago, you asked it now. So here goes: Channing Tatum is that bloke who almost burnt his cock off. There. Simple.

As much as we’d love to leave the story at that, before setting up an online store where customers could buy a range of T-shirts and mugs and mouse mats all bearing the legend ‘HA HA CHANNING TATUM BURNT HIS COCK OFF THE IDIOT’, that would be irresponsible of us. At the very least we should explain how Channing Tatum almost burnt his cock off.

The injury came about while Channing Tatum was filming a Roman epic entitled The Eagle Of The Ninth in Scotland. As he was shooting a scene in an icy highland river, Channing Tatum put on a wetsuit. The intention was to pour a little warm water down the front to keep his body temperature up. But, thanks to an on-set snafu, what actually happened is that an assistant ended up throwing a load of boiling water all over his balls instead. Channing takes up the story in the latest issue of Details magazine:

“He poured scalding water down my suit. And I was trying to pull the suit away from my body to somehow get away from the boiling water, and the more I pulled the suit away, the lower the water went. It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick… It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life,” he says, flipping through photos on his iPhone until he lands on a grainy snapshot of a scorched member.

And that’s it. That’s how Channing Tatum almost burnt his cock off. And it’s the funniest thing we’ll ever publish, at least until Shia LaBeouf accidentally crushes a testicle between a housebrick and a gigantic mollusk. Which must happen at some point, surely.

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Comments

  1. Jacqui says

    LOL. That is the only reasonable response I can think of right now. This is absolutely hilarious.
    I don’t know, nor do I care who Channing Tatum is, all that matters is that he almost burnt his cock off.
    End of.

  2. shooty* says

    I recommend you have a look at The Guardian some time.

    Roll on the Shia accident. For the time being, though, this will do.

  3. Sunny says

    Surely someone was kind enough to apply soothing cool Aloe Vera all over it. Or something like that…

    You say there’s a pic someplace?

  4. CEEDEE says

    I don’t know what you are all laughing about this is in no way funny the poor man was in a lot of pain and for you people(no) idiots to think that this is funny then where’s your brains I am just so very happy that he is doing a lot better and that he is all healed now because it could have been a whole lot worse so dummies please think before you lol or whatever and if I sound like I am a big Channing Tatum fan well good because I am and always will be so stop dissing my movie star and GROW UP

  5. CEEDEE says

    Think about it Jacqui if this happened to you would you want people to think it was hilarious I don’t think so so as I said before GROW UP

  6. They're Not All Locked Up Yet says

    Thank the Lord for people like CEEDEE. Without them, we would not know what we were allowed to laugh at or, indeed, think. Thank you for your wisdom and guidance. Soon you shall lead the ignorant masses out of the abyss. It is your destiny.

    That said – HA HA HA bloody HA at Captain Scorchnob!!!!!!!!

    :D