People are sick. We’ve thought long and hard about this, and the only sensible conclusion is that people are sick.

Take Las Vegas. People visit Las Vegas to spend all day standing around in a flashing, migraine-inducing, artificial air-filled casino that’s been designed with the express intention of getting people to part with every penny they own as effectively as possible.

And then, once they’ve lost everything in a series of games that they were statistically never going to win anyway, they go and see Celine Dion. Celine Dion, for crying out loud. And if you’re one of these sick idiots in question, you’ll be pleased to know that Celine Dion is going back to Las Vegas for another three-year residency. Weirdos.

Despite all that stuff we just said, we’re actually never happier than when Celine Dion is in residency at Las Vegas. Everyone wins. Tourists can wind down after a hard day of basically handing fistful after fistful of their hard-earnt money directly to a fat mobster called Paulie by listening to a scrawny Canadian woman screech My Heart Will Go On in the style of a grieving water buffalo. Celine Dion herself can earn hundreds of millions of dollars for singing at a captive audience.

But, best of all, it means we know where Celine Dion is at all times. If she’s singing in Las Vegas night after night, then she’s less likely to ambush us by wailing Earth Song in front of a 3D dandelion or by using up all the water in Florida or by acting like an actual lunatic at every opportunity. It might even mean that Celine Dion is too busy to record or release any new albums. Wouldn’t that be a treat?

So needless to say, the news that Celine Dion is going back to Las Vegas for another three year tour of duty should be celebrated by literally everybody on the face of the planet. BBC News reports:

“With the orchestra and the band we’re going to be able to perform our songs like never before,” Dion said. “The repertoire is going to be extraordinary – a mix of timeless Hollywood classics, along with all the favourites that my fans like to hear me sing. It’s going to be a very beautiful show, and I think we’ll be raising the bar higher than we’ve ever done before.”

If this residency is anything like her last residency, the new Celine Dion concerts stand to take anything up to $400 million. But money doesn’t matter to Celine Dion. She’ll be more interested in the sheer amount of people she gets to entertain. Again, if this Las Vegas residency matches her previous one, then around three million people will get to use a Celine Dion concert as a buffer between blowing their family’s entire life savings at a roulette wheel and flying home in rags, immediately getting divorced and then bleakly grinding out the rest of their miserable lives hungry and alone on the streets.

So that’ll be fun.

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