Who knew Martha Stewart, the queen of domestication, used to be such a stone cold fox? Yup, before she was baking quiches and organizing prison craft classes, Martha was a model—and a damn good-looking one, might I add.
Martha isn’t the only star who has a relatively un-touted past in attractiveness. There are a handful of other celebs who were one stone cold stunners, but over the years have had their good-looking pasts forgotten.
Let’s round up an “in memoriam,” shall we?
If you’re Generation X, you’ll remember Candice Bergen as Murphy Brown. If you’re Gen Y, you’ll probably know Candice as the Vogue editor from Sex and the City. If you’re Gen Z, you likely have no clue who the fuck I’m talking about, and you probably shouldn’t be on this site in the first place. Go do your homework.
Anyway, for most of us, Candice Bergen is a pretty androgynous actress. This isn’t to say she’s unattractive; she’s fine. Her features are symmetrical, she has nice hair—but I don’t exactly see dudes hanging her pictures up in their prison cells, you know what I’m saying?
That’s Candice on an album cover from the 60s. Before she was a television actress, Candice was a silver screen star, but somehow, over the years, the public seems to have forgotten how hot she once was. While celebs like Susan Sarandon, Goldie Hawn, and Sigourney Weaver are remembered for their good looks, I’m not sure why Candice’s have gone unnoticed.
Mike’s not a bad looking old guy. I mean, he’s damn near 80, after all. And while he might not have necessarily been a heartthrob in his younger days, he could still hold his own in the looks department:
Not bad. He could rule my cider house any day. Or something. He was good looking, is what I’m trying to say.
Oh, and here’s a fun fact about Michael Caine that you won’t find on Wikipedia: Did you know you can’t say “My cocaine” without sounding like Michael Caine saying his own name? Go ahead, try it.
Helen Mirren is 67 years old, but her breasts don’t look a day over 25. She had a surge in popularity after her role in 2006’s The Queen, and everyone agreed—she’s damn good looking for a near seventy-year old.
But many of us had no idea that Helen Mirren was once this:
A few of my friends chastised me for not knowing Helen used to be so damn hot, citing her work in Caligula. But I haven’t seen Caligula, because I’m not a degenerate.
If you want to find out how hot Betty White was when she was younger, you can’t just Google: “Betty White young.” You have to Google: “Betty White really fucking young, like, seriously, a long time ago.” Once you do, this will pop up:
You’re welcome, Golden Girls fans. Yup, Betty White was a porn star. Well, kinda. In 1940, Betty posed for some nude playing cards.
And finally, M. Diddy. Martha Stewart began modeling as a teenager, and Karl Lagerfeld once exposed that she posed for Chanel.
It’s a good thing.
But when did Martha’s sexy past get forgotten? Everyone’s good looks are ravished with time, but at least celebrities like Sophia Loren get to hold on to their past attractiveness as a legacy. How did we allow these stars’ superficial qualities to go forgotten, abandoned and neglected without a proper memorial?
It’s a travesty, I tell you. So the next time you’re getting it on with someone (or yourself), do the world some good and try to splice in a memory of these once sexy stars, will you? It’s the least you can do.
And before I go, I will leave you with one more celebrity who you probably didn’t know used to be hot:
Larry ‘The Cable Guy’
Totally joking. He’s pretty much always looked like an ass clown: