Lana Del Rey is Apparently Really Bad in Bed

delGHEY

A part of me is starting to think that, while Lana Del Rey really wants to be the female version of Kurt Cobain, she’s kind of becoming the female version of Kanye West: every time she gives an interview she spews a bunch of eye roll inducing garbage. Her interview with Complex magazine was no different.

Lana, who is apparently pulling a Megan Fox, since every time I see her, her face looks just a liiiiittttle different, decided to talk about all the industry dick she’s ridden and how it’s gotten her nowhere. I guess, unlike her song says, her pussy doesn’t actually taste like Pepsi cola.

The 50 Shades of Grey Movie Actually Looks Kind of Hot

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So, a couple of years ago, I did that stupid thing that all females at the time were doing: I read “Fifty Shades of Grey”. I thought the writing was atrocious and the characters were really fucking stupid (No one says “Later Babes” or “Holy Cow”), but it was essentially porn for chicks, so I kind of dug it.

However, when I found out it was going to be turned into a movie, I automatically assumed it was going to be total garbage. You can’t try and make a porn into a real, regular theatre going movie. Plus, the story itself is just awful. However, now that the trailer is out, dare I say that the movie looks kind of…good?

Nicki Minaj is the Picture of Pure Class on Her Single Cover

datass

Nicki Minaj isn’t really known for being modest or shy with her body (bitch takes more topless selfies than Justin Bieber), but the artwork for her new single, “Anaconda” is a little much, even for Nicki. She’s clearly taking the whole “Baby Got Back” line “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” line to heart.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good ass shot as much as anybody, but this is a little fucking ridiculous. If Nicki bent over half an inch I could tell whether or not she bleaches her asshole, and that’s not really something I need to know.

Calvin Klein is Lowering it’s Standards with Justin Bieber

seriouslyck?

Calvin Klein is one of my all-time favourite labels. Their clothes, underwear, and fragrances are legendary, so you’d think they’d get someone equally as iconic to represent them and be their spokesperson? Well, in the words of Squints from “The Sandlot”: If you was thinkin’ you wouldn’ta thought that. Yep, Justin Bieber is their new spokesmodel.

Back in the 90′s, Calvin Klein helped make “heroin chic” the look. Now, it would seem, they’re trying to make “white boys with dirt staches who wanna look latino” happen. Calvin Klein, stop being Gretchen Wiener. Stop trying to make stupid things happen.

Ryan Gosling Knocked Eva Mendes Up By Accident

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Well, I have to tip my hat to Eva Mendes. Not only did she land the most wanted dick in the world, Ryan Gosling, but when he seemed kind of over it, she pulled out the pregnancy card. Preach girl, you know how to play that shit!

New sources (probably Rachel McAdams) are saying that baby Gosling was actually conceived via goodbye fuck. Yes, that’s right, Ryan was done with Eva’s ass, but still decided to bareback it in her one last time and then BAM! Baby! Take notes, bitches, because this is how you keep a man like Ryan Gosling.

Brad Pitt Is Shia LaBeouf’s Sober Muse

Shia LaBeoufShia LaBeouf has been having a rough couple of years.  He’s become anti showers, but pro Jameson for breakfast.  It’s turned him from becoming a child star to legitimate actor success story, to the typical child star to hot mess tale.

But now, Shia has finally found a reason to ditch the bottle.  It’s not for good reasons, like a desire to stop fighting homeless dudes at 3 o’clock in the afternoon, but more because he has a new coworker he really wants to impress.

So, Naya Rivera Married A Complete Stranger

Naya RiveraDearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the coronation of Naya Rivera, henceforth known as Queen of the Rebound Relationship.

Or whatever coronations sound like. The Glee star married fellow actor Ryan Dorsey last Saturday, only three short months after calling off her engagement to Big Sean. Not to question the course of true love or anything, but can anyone in attendance confirm that there was a large double-barreled shotgun pointed directly at the grooms head?

The Top 10 Sexiest TV Detectives

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People who solve crimes are pretty sexy. I mean, not as sexy as criminals, because everyone loves a badass, but overall, being the person who figures shit out and saves the day is pretty hot. Just look at Columbo! (Just kidding, don’t look at Columbo, he’s a troll, but damn does he solve a good mystery).

Anyway, unlike in the real world, where detectives aren’t all that hot, television detectives are usually total fucking babes with chips on their shoulder and dark pasts, which I find very appealing. Here is a ranking of the top 10 tv detectives that make me drool.

Adam Levine Is Legally A Husband

Adam Levine Behati PrinslooEternally disappointing fellow bony hip humper, Leonardo DiCaprio, Adam Levine went ahead this weekend and married one of the many models he’s bedded.  Even after having the skim milk, some guys do end up still wanting to buy the skinny cow.

Most surprising of all though was that Levine managed to make it all the way down the aisle without tripping and landing inside one of the Victoria’s Secret model bridesmaids.   Snaps to that, Adam.

Kim Kardashian is Kanye West’s Dinosaur

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Not to shock or alarm you, but I am amazed to be reporting on the fact that Kanye West said some nonsensical, dumb ass shit in his interview with GQ magazine. I know, I know, Kanye is usually so humble and articulate and makes all of the sense when he speaks, so this is a pretty big shocker. 

Kanye is featured on the cover of next month’s GQ magazine and, as per usual, he spewed out a lot of bullshit that made zero fucking sense to anyone except Kanye. But the crown jewel of the interview? When he referred to himself as a blowfish and wife, Kim Kardashian, as a dinosaur.