People Magazine Got Shit Right This Year

Chris Hemsworth Sexiest Man aliveIt’s been rough for People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” to be taken seriously ever since their epic mistake in 2011 (Fuck you, Cooper).  But last year they started to get their street cred back by giving it to Adam Levine, and this year it’s been awarded to Thor himself, Chris Hemsworth.

Though there are many still ticked off that Ryan Gosling still hasn’t won,  I cannot be mad at People. Have you seen Chris shirtless?  I will gladly take that hammer for $2000, Alex.

No More Special Brownies For The Smith Kids

Jaden Willow SmithIf the world needed any more proof that Scientology breeds bat shit crazy, they need look no further than Jaden and Willow Smith.   As if being a teenager doesn’t automatically make you enough of a ridiculous ignorant ass, these two show us just how far down the rabbit hole one can go with enough money and lack of real parenting.

The siblings have given an interview that kind of sounds like it was written by the love child of Gary Busey and Amanda Bynes.  To sound like a super stereotypical white girl in my 20s, I legit cannot deal with these two assholes.

Bill Cosby is a Rapist: Deal With It

rapecake

Yes, I know the above picture is in poor taste, but basically everything Bill Cosby does is in poor taste, so I thought it would be fitting. So, as you may have heard, society once again cares about the fact that Bill Cosby allegedly raped more than a dozen women over the years, primarily by drugging them. I mean, we’ve known this shit for years, but the media only pretends to care like every 10 years or so, and I guess that time is now.

Let’s be real here: women have been giving the exact same story about Bill Cosby for years: I was young, he gave me booze and a pills, last thing I remembered he was fondling me, I woke up naked. Bill Cosby is a rich and powerful pudding lover who was also Dr. Huxtable, TV’s most famous dad (what is it with tv dads?!), and no one is going to believe you if you say he raped you so you’re basically fucked. Tale as old as time or some shit, I guess. However, that hasn’t made the allegations go away after all these years.

7 Biggest Lies Pregnant Celebrities Are Telling Us

bitchplease So, it has come to my attention that I am three months pregnant and will be spawning a child come May 2015. I know, I know, God help the poor child. But before you congratulate me or anything like that, I have to say: celebrity culture has fucking lied to us. I grew up thinking Entertainment Tonight was actually the news, so almost everything I knew about pregnancy was based on celebrities and how they looked and their interviews and all that shit.

Well, let me tell you something, ladies, if you’re planning on having your first baby and think it’s going to be a walk in the park and you’re going to be as happy and glowing as Angelina fucking Jolie you are WRONG. Celebrities lie to us about pregnancy because there is just no way that shit can be real life. Here are seven of the biggest lies celebs tell us about being knocked up.

So, Demi Lovato Is Still Taking Valtrex

Demi LovatoDamn it, Demi Lovato.  I know you have had some rough patches in your life, but I thought you got past all that.  I hoped you were done making terrible decisions with your life (outside of your hair.  You still make stupid choices there, not gonna lie).

But noooo.  You just had to post a lovely dovey selfie on Twitter reminding the world that you not only used to dry hump one of the douchiest men in Hollywood, but that you are still letting your crotch call the shots in your life.  Ugh.

Jennifer Lopez Is Officially The Ultimate Ass Muse

Jennifer Lopez I, like most of the rest of the world, am pretty sick and tired of hearing about Kim Kardashians Silly Putty-looking ass.  Even though it has been quite a few days, those damn naked photos of her are still all over the place, and finally someone is taking a stand against the uproar.

Sir Mix-a-Lot, the man who made rapping about asses cool for multiple generations, has come out and let the world know that Kim’s ass is the not the end all be all of asses.  In fact, his most famous tune was actually written about another bottom gifted celebrity, one who probably hasn’t gotten 2000 ccs of silicone injected into her body.

Kim K Spends TWO HOURS Daily in Hair and Make-Up

contouring

Most people were too busy being hypnotized by her grease butt to actually look into what was actually being said in Kim Kardashian’s Paper magazine interview, and fair enough because it was a grease butt that launched a million amazed gifs and memes. However, if you HAVE looked into the interview then you’ll know it’s full of some real gems.

For one, you will be shocked to find out that the woman who makes me look like I’m not a shallow cunt actually spends two fucking hours EVERY DAY in hair and make-up. I didn’t even spend two hours in hair and make-up on the day of my goddamn wedding (maybe I did, who fucking knows, I was three mimosas deep when the girl who was doing my make-up showed up).

The Kardashians Are Ruining The Internet, Part 2

Khloe Kardashian Scott DisickOf course Kim couldn’t be the only Kardashian getting all the attention right now, that simply now how this fame whore family works.   So to capture a little bit of spotlight for herself, Khloe Kardashian decided to post some inflammatory shit to Instagram.  Then to prove that in-laws are contracted by law to live for publicity too, Scott Disick also jumped in on the controversy.

Now all we need is for Kourtney to announce she is pregnant again, and for the elusive pudgy unicorn known as Rob to be photographed looking hot again.  Then Mama Kris will truly have the best orgasmic day of her life. Sorry, Bruce.

The Kardashians Are Ruining The Internet, Part 1

Kim Kardashian Paper ChampagneJust when shit starts to calm down a bit with the Kardashians, these bitches come out guns a-blazing and take over every damn media outlet with their bullshit.  Kim Kardashian has proven once again why she is the least seriously taken celebrity whore around by showing off her plastic filled ass for some random magazine.

Paired off with some serious Fraggle Rock hair and her biggest dipshit smile, Kim’s project was entitled “Break the Internet” but I am certain “Ruin the Internet FOREVER” is much more applicable.  As if destroying the sanctity of reality television wasn’t bad enough.

Ugh, Someone Gave Donnie Wahlberg And Jenny McCarthy A TV Show

Jenny McCarthy Donnie WahlbergDammit, A&E!  What, since Duck Dynasty isn’t buttering your bread anymore you’ve decided giving Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy their own reality television show is a good backup plan?  Did you see McCarthy on The View?

Incase you day isn’t filled with enough mindless fodder, come 2015 you can watch a 10 part docu-series following the less attractive Wahlberg brother deal with his new bride farting on him and blaming his 1991 rat tail for Down Syndrome.