Beyonce’s Use of Photoshop is Killing My Soul

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Oh, Beyoncé, what has become of you? Up until very recently, I have been a huge fucking Beyoncé fan. I think she’s beyond talented (like her husband, Jay Z, said, she’s the greatest entertainer of our generation) and I even named her one of the twelve coolest feminists in Hollywood, but now I’m starting to think I was giving way too much credit to good old Mrs. Carter.

Beyoncé has been accused of photo-shopping her Tumblr and Instagram pictures to look thinner, like she’s a goddamn Kardashian or something. For a while, I didn’t buy into it, just like I had trouble believing that Beyoncé and Jay Z STUNTED me with all their divorce shit, but her latest Tumblr pics have me thinking that maybe Queen Bey isn’t some feminist icon, but instead just a Kardashian level basic bitch who photo-shops her thighs.

Lindsay Lohan Actually Went To Work

Lindsay Lohan London InterviewLindsay Lohan has been keeping a relatively quiet profile as of late, or at least quiet for her.  Only a handful of incidents where was fall down “sober” is a pretty impressive feat, you gotta admit. She’s been in London for a few months preparing for her theater debut that no one honestly figured she’d pull off.

But the first run was this week, and Lindsay managed to not only show up, but not pass out on stage or steal the wardrobe (yet).  Of course, the reviews are mostly terrible, but I think that is just because people need to seriously lower their Lohan expectations.

Amber Rose Must Really Be Regretting That Wiz Khalifa Tattoo Now

amber-rose-wiz-khalifa-lick-head-billboardA moment of silence for yet another Hollywood couple to be struck down by the One Year curse. Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa are kaput. 

It seems no amount of public licking, strategically placed silver chains, or poorly thought out body art could save this marriage, because Amber filed for divorce on Tuesday citing ‘irreconcilable differences’. I know this is a trying time for you guys, but can’t you come up with a more interesting reason for your split? For the sake of our constant entertainment? I miss the days of golfers being chased with a nine iron because they got caught sleeping with more porn stars than…well, a porn star.

Chick from t.A.T.u. Ironically Hates Gay People Now

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 For those of you who need a quick refresher, back in the early-2000’s a singing duo from Russia, named t.A.T.u. took the world by storm with their awful fucking song “All the Things She Said” (as if I didn’t fucking love that song). They were a one hit wonder in North America, but apparently they still make music in their native Russia, but that’s besides the point. 

t.A.T.u. had a major gimmick, you see, which was dressing up like school girls and making out. I mean, the video for “All the Things She Said” is just them in little school uniforms making out in the rain. They claimed to be a couple for a while, but the brunette member of the duo, Yulia Volkova, eventually got knocked up by a dude. They stayed a singing duo, but admitted they weren’t lesbians, yet still supported the LGBT alliance. That is, until now.

Julianna Hough Is A Shady Bitch

Julianna Hough Jonathan BennettJulianna Hough just strikes me as a shiesty broad.  Everything she does just screams “calculated” and nothing feels genuine.  Once a professional dancer, Hough got a little too big headed when she got some fame through Dancing with the Stars, and basically shat on the show that gave her her start.

Of course, when her career as a serious actress went no where, much like her career as a singer,  she went crawling back to the show.  Not as a dancer, because she is above those basic bitches, but as a judge.  And now she is opening her dumb mouth and just reinforcing the vibe that she is a shady bitch.

Kanye West Literally Thinks His Music Can Heal The Sick

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You have to admire Kanye West’s dedication to the whole Jesus metaphor. It’s gone way past a nickname and appearing on the cover of Rolling Stone in a thorny crown the way that teenage girls at Coachella wear flower garlands. He’s now performing full blown miracles on his loyal followers.

Well, just the ones that fork over the cash to see him live, but he’s probably still paying off that 224 ft engraved marble wedding table that I’m assuming is still stuck in Italy.

Yeezus blessed Sydney with his presence on Friday, and apparently the disciples (What do you even call Kanye West fans? Answers on the back of a postcard) weren’t showing the proper level of respect towards their esteemed leader. So much so that Kanye stopped the entire show, and demanded that every single person in the stadium got on their feet before he’d carry on. Can you see where this is going yet? The Onion are probably kicking themselves for not thinking of this one before it actually happened.

One Upon A Time Dax Shepard Almost Beat Down Justin Timberlake

Dax ShepardDax Shepard used to be on Punk’d, the show that involved pranking celebrities and was basically the high point of Ashton Kutcher’s career.  There were some celebrities who took it all with great strides, and others who showed how douche they were.  It was great television to see some famous rich girl cry because someone scratched her $80,000 car or some pretentious actor freak out because a homeless guy got into his bubble.

One of those celebrities who obviously lacked a sense of humor, or balls, was Justin Timberlake.  But now Jax has shared a story that makes Timberlake’s crying look like the least ridiculous thing Justin did that day.

JLo and Iggy Azaela Have Taken Me To Ass Heaven

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A mere month ago, Nicki Minaj blessed us with the music video, “Ananconda”, which featured her fake (yet full) booty on full display in all it’s glory. After watching the video, I was like: Goddamn, no video will satisfy my love of ass quite like this one, but last night something wonderful and magical happened: Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azaela released the video for their song “Booty”.

Aside from the fact that the song “Booty” is far less irritating than “Anaconda”, it also features some amazing close-ups of two of the best natural asses in the biz. JLo is legit old enough to be Iggy’s mom, but that doesn’t mean she’s lost in. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, this is the best JLo has ever looked. Sorry, Nicki Minaj, but the original queen of ass is back in town.

Avril Lavigne & Chad Kroeger Done Being Lamest Couple

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Don’t let the title of this blog fool you, Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger certainly haven’t gotten any less lame, they’re still super fucking awful and lame, however, they may not be a couple for much longer. (Sadly) Canada’s most famous music couple (so ashamed to be Canadian right now) are, according to numerous sources, allegedly heading for divorce.

Avril Lavigne is barely 30 and she’s already set to be a two-time divorcee (she was previously married to Deryk Whibley of Sum 41. Another mediocre Canadian rockstar. She clearly has a type.) The two only got married in July 2013, so I guess it didn’t take too long for two of the most annoying celebrities in the world to start annoying each other.

Ariana Grande Continues To Proves She’s The Worst

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Ariana Grande is one of those celebrities that keeps proving to be a huge disappointment to me. I mean, I really liked Sam and Cat, and I think she’s very pretty with a great voice, so constantly hearing about how much of a  mega diva bitch she is, even to her fans, is pretty disheartening. Here I was thinking that Frankie was the most annoying Grande, but maybe not (no, he still is).

In one of my favourite films from the 90’s, Scream, Matthew Lillard and Skeet Ulrich’s characters say of Neve Campbell’s character’s mom: “That woman was a slut-bag whore who flashed her shit all over town like she was Sharon Stone or something…let’s face it, Sid, you’re mother was no Sharon Stone!” Replace “Sharon Stone” with Mariah Carey and that’s exactly how I feel about Ariana Grande. Bitch, you are NOT Mariah Carey.