Shocking News- The Kardashians Are Self Absorbed

Kim Kylee Kendall Kardashian Jenner

I don’t know why anyone is even surprised anymore when the Kardashians do something that shows off just how vapid, self absorbed, and talentless they are.  It’s not new news, it’s just a sad reality that we made idiots like this famous and filthy rich.

At the VMAs on Sunday, the Kardashian Klan once again reminded the world that they literally couldn’t care less about anyone other than themselves, while also reminding us that we made these assholes millionaires.

Are Beyonce and Jay Z Still in Love, Or What?!

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I kind of feel like making Beyonce and Jay Z a mix tape, WITH the first song on side A being: “Quit Playing Games with My Heart” by The Backstreet Boys, because these two have been fucking with my emotions for MONTHS! Ever since the whole Solange elevator fiasco, the rumour mill (which I have discovered is NOT a real mill) has been saying these two are having some serious marital issues.

More recently, even People magazine, the classiest fucking tabloid magazine on the planet, has been jumping on the “Beyonce and Jay Z are heading for divorce” train, which really made me think that the apocalypse was really upon us, because Bey and Jay breaking up clearly meant the end of the world.

Lindsay Lohan Is Playing Step Mom

Lindsay Lohan New BoyfriendLindsay Lohan is still over in London, trying to salvage what little career she has left on Broadway.  While she hasn’t been fired yet, she has been seen stumbling out of some clubs, looking a bit still like the hot mess queen that she is.

But now it seems Lohan is settling down.  And not with some 20-something hanger-on, or a woman.  This time it’s an older guy with no only a real job, but a family.

Nick Cannon And Mariah Carey Are Over

Mariah Carey Nick CannonSometimes the strangest couples last the longest.  Take the case of Supreme Diva, Mariah Carey, and That Guy From That Lame Talent Show, Nick Cannon.  They have managed to be married longer than about 85% of Hollywood and have had a relatively drama free relationship.

Seems that has all changed, and not only are these two separated, they are actually on their way to getting divorced.  I hope MiMi’s Hello Kitty collection will be safe from the impending battle.

Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda Video is Everything I Hoped For

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When Nicki Minaj released the most demure and glamorous cover art ever for her single, Anaconda, I automatically assumed that the accompanying video would also be the picture of grace and class. However, I was not prepared for what I watched today. 

The amount of ass that is in this video (not just Nicki’s!) makes even the beach episodes of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” look like fucking garbage. Just when you think you’ve had all the ass you can handle BAM! There’s more ass! Oh, and Drake is there, too, because why the fuck not?

Jessica Simpson Drank the Kardashian Koolaid

Kim Kardashian Jessica SImpsonWe have all known for many years that Jessica Simpson wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.  Her biggest asset has always been her gigantic rack, possibly her singing voice, but really not her brain. 

However, even I am a calling some “bullshit” on reports that Simpson is looking to get plastic surgery on a certain part of her anatomy to look like everyone’s favorite purveyor of golden showers and fame whoring.

Chris Martin Is Hooking Up With Jennifer Lawrence

Chris Martin and Jennifer LawrenceEver since Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin decided to “consciously uncouple,” I have been waiting for him to bring out his inner rock star slut and go on a groupie rampage.  You know dude has probably not felt the warm touch of a woman in many, many years.

Sadly, Martin doesn’t seem to be pulling a Gene Simmons, and instead is reportedly dating Jennifer Lawrence.  While this pairing doesn’t exactly make tons of sense to me, I do get a sick pleasure out of the thought that Gwyneth is crying into her white 9000 thread count organic Egyptian cotton sheets about it.

Jared Leto May Have Hooked Up With A Dude

Alexis ArquetteAlexis Arquette has held a special place in my heart ever since that bitch sashayed her way onto The Surreal Life almost a decade ago. She immediately owned that house with those on point eye brows and her quick temper that turned from demur lady into beat down beast dude real quick.

To be honest, I haven’t heard much from Alexis lately, but thanks to a new interview, she is back on top of my list of favorite celebrities.  Also, one I am now super jealous of thanks to her spilling the deets about banging a certain hot ass actor/singer.

Christina Aguilera Must Really Like Vagina Cleaners

Christina Aguilera Matt RutlerChristina Aguilera is basically the epitome of a classy lady.  From her Oompa Loompa skin care regiment, to her clown hooker lips, to her Clorox approved hair, Christina just screams “elegance.”

In keeping with that theme, Aguilera has decided to grace her newborn baby girl with a really special name.  As if her life wasn’t about to be hard enough with Christina as her mother.  You know bitch will be that embarrassing “cool” mom in the mini skirts, half in the bag, at the soccer games.

Your Daily Reminder That Miley Cyrus Does Drugs

miley-cyrus-tongue-4You guys remember that Miley Cyrus is, like, totally grown up now, right? You didn’t forget that people don’t stay fifteen forever? 

If you didn’t get the message the first twenty seven times she appeared in ganja-leaf patterned thong leotard humping a giant hotdog, Miley Cyrus’ Instagram account is here to remind you that’s she’s an edgy adult who does edgy adult things. Like decorating a five-foot bong with friendship bracelets and pompoms.