Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are Finally BFF

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After a decade as sworn mortal enemies, forever hot bitches, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie, are finally best friends forever. And by that, I mean Jen thinks the whole thing is bullshit and that “Unbroken” movie Angie directed was really good and shit. Which, I mean, to me, screams A SEXY LADY BUDDY COMEDY IS COMING!

Both Jen and Angie showed up to the Critics Choice awards last week looking hot as balls. Both were nominated (Jen for Best Actress for that movie about Betty Crocker, and Angie for Best Director for that movie about that Olympic guy who was also in a war or something), but they didn’t really cross paths or say shit to each other because, let’s be real, they never do.

Miley’s Brother is Getting Some Kennedy Action, Too

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I don’t know what they’re huffing over at the Kennedy compound these days, but whatever it is has made those hippy hillbillies, The Cyrus’, look reeeeeaaaaal appealing. As most of you know, super hunk, Kennedy cousin, and son of Arnold, Patrick Schwarzenegger, has been throwing Miley Cyrus the D since October. Well now, thanks to some telling Instagram pics, it seems like Patrick’s older sister, Christina, might be seeing Miley’s younger (and equally unhygienic) brother, Braison.

The Kennedys are American royalty and the Cyrus’ are…well…not as white trash as the family from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”, but slightly more white trash than the Hiltons, so if they keep hooking up I imagine a cross over of “The Beverly Hillbillies” and “Gossip Girl”, which is something I’d be totally interested in watching. Sexy secrets will be revealed during galas, and most of those secrets will involve possums. I’m into it.

The Oscars Still Don’t Like Jennifer Aniston

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Every so often, Jennifer Aniston will take a break from doing shitty romantic comedies and do some sort of indie movie where has to wear little to no make up and all her fans so “OMG, JENNIFER ANISTON IS FINALLY A SHOE IN TO GET AN OSCAR NOMINATION AND THAT WILL TOTALLY SHOW ANGELINA JOLIE!” This year, thanks to her movie “Cake” (which I know nothing about, but assume it has something to do with baking), her fans once again took on the role of believing that Jen was a sure shot for an Oscar, and once again they’ve been let down.

The Oscar nominations have been announced, and once again Jennifer Aniston was not nominated for Best Actress. But you know who was nominated for Best Actor? Steve Fucking Carrell! Michael Scott, himself. Go fucking figure!

Rihanna Might’ve Gotten All Up in Leonardo Dicaprio’s Beard

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Typically, a rumor about two sexy single celebrities hooking up at a party would be completely believable, so this whole “Rihanna made out with Leonardo Dicaprio” thing should be buyable, right? Yet for some reason, I’m just not buying it. On January 10th, Leo and Riri both attended a party at the Playboy mansion, where they were seen getting “hot and heavy” (more like she’s hot, he’s getting heavy, amirite?).

A source says things between the two got pretty steamy and they were swapping spit (the source LEGIT said swapping spit, which makes me think my mom after several white Russians is the source because I can’t imagine anyone else would say that kind of shit). However, I’m skeptical of the whole thing because, regardless of how hot Rihanna is, she isn’t a Victoria’s Secret model, and that’s kinnnnnda Leo’s thing.

Even Calvin Klein’s Embarrassed By Justin Bieber’s Tiny Penis

Justin Bieber CK adNormally I’d be against ragging on people for the way they look. But this post is about Justin Bieber and it’s pretty well known that he’s an enormous cockwomble, so we can all make an exception. Now let’s join together to point and laugh at his tiny little manhood.

Making Justin Bieber the face (and subsequently, crotch) of Calvin Klein underwear never made much sense to begin with. Twelve year old girls have no need for men’s boxer shorts, so they didn’t hire him for his influence. His default face in photos makes it look like he’s trying to read a size 8 font from the other side of a dimly lit room, so wasn’t for his face. Finally, the un-retouched versions of the shoot make it pretty clear that he wasn’t hired for his body, seeing as they airbrushed his abs, pecs, crotch bulge, and even his pubes. Or lack thereof.

Oh Look, Shia LaBeouf Is Basically Naked In A Video Again

Shia LaBeouf Sia VideoFor a minute there it seemed as if weird, artsy fartsy Shia LaBeouf was gone.  Fixed by Brad Pitt, LaBeouf again looked as if he took showers and realized that fighting with homeless guys was a bad idea.  He was even potentially starting to get hot again (I know I can’t believe I wrote that either).

But now LaBeouf is co-starring in singer Sia’s new music video, and not only is dirty hipster looking Shia back, it’s stirring up some major controversy.  Some see it as a super deep, complex dance piece.  Others see it is a pervy old dude in briefs getting way too friendly with a child.

Cameron Diaz is Really Rushed This Whole Marriage Thing

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After dating for 10 minutes and being engaged for like 5, Cameron Diaz married Benji Madden on January 5th in a star-studded ceremony held in her backyard, because all famous bitches get married at star-studded ceremonies in their backyard. It’s why I don’t believe any of these people actually want “privacy”, because as soon as a white tent goes up in a celebrity’s backyard in LA the paparazzi KNOW a wedding is happening. Backyard weddings are the opposite of low-key and subtle in Hollywood, but I digress.

Cameron married the less significant Madden brother (a man who formerly used to grind on Paris Hilton WILLINGLY) surrounded by pals like her scissor sister, Drew Barrymore, and now sister-in-law, Nicole Richie. Party animal and forever cunt, Gwyneth Paltrow, was also in attendance so you KNOW shit got wild, because that bitch parties with Beyoncé and Jay Z.

Farrah Abraham Has Permanent Duckface

farrah abrahamFarrah Abraham is a natural beauty, full of class and smarts, who makes wonderful decisions as both a mother and an entrepreneur.  So to hear that she is in the hospital is utterly heart wrenching.

HAHA.  Just kidding, it’s hysterical.  Farrah is a third rate version of a Bratz doll and has potentially permanently extra ruined her face by getting a shitty lip injection job.   Now, she has two sets of oversized gross lips.

Surprise! Another Jackson Is Making Terrible Life Choices

Justin Bieber Prince JacksonSince Michael Jackson died, it’s been daughter Paris who has been involved in the more controversial headlines.  Now her brother Prince has decided to garner a little attention for himself by becoming besties with the reigning Canadian King of Douches, Justin Bieber. 

Because this is exactly what we need.  More rich kids being tools together and engaging in asshole behavior.  Maybe Grandma Katherine can smack a little sense into Prince.  But then again, she married Joe, so I don’t think I hold much faith in her sensibility.

Blake Lively Sure Popped That Kid Out Fast

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Is it just me, or was Blake Lively legit pregnant for like two seconds? Everything about this damn woman is so unfair. She’s insanely stunning and stylish and remained so during her pregnancy, and now, according to reports, she has popped out what will potentially be one of the best looking babies in the world.

According to Page Six and UsWeekly (which I always trust), Blake actually popped out her baby over the holidays in her and Ryan’s Bedford, NY home and has somehow managed not to post anything about it on her Goop Jr. website. Wait a second! People magazine is also reporting it, so it has officially become true! Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are really parents now!