Celebrity Haiku Competition: Uma Thurman
Another Monday, eh? And what are you going to do with it?
Are you going to treat it as a fresh start, inject a spring to your step and take on the world with new and vigoured confidence? Or are you going to waste time arsing around on the internet in order to avoid paying attention to a job you hate, before going home and drinking three bottles of cornershop red wine and getting stoned while watching Buffy DVDs? Is that what you're going to do? Is it?
Sure it is. But don't worry – it does allow you the chance to play hecklerspray's Celebrity Haiku Competition.
This week our subject is movie-star-type Uma Thurman. First, though, let's have a wee gander at last week's winner…
Seven days ago, we asked you to come up with best haikus about fashion freaks Trinny and Susannah, and how they couldn't care less if they make poor fat ladies cry on telly every week. The champion was someone called Panini – their second victory, no less – whose effort ran:
No surprise, Trinny
And Susannah make me cry
Each time I see them
Well done, kid. Send us your details and we'll send you your prize. Two whole packets of delicious Space Raiders crisps.
This week's contest? Well, we'd like you to come up with a haiku on the following subject:
Uma Thurman's stalker has been appearing in court, explaining how he's 'in love' with the movie star and wants them to 'be together'.
All you've gotta do is remember the golden rule of Haiku: five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. What's that? An 'example'? Oh, alright:
Uma Thurman Is
The Object Of Desire For
A Mad Mentalist
You can do better than that, right? Entries in the comments box below…
Who’s stalking Uma?
They must be braver than me
She’s got massive feet
I like Uma T,
poisen ivy just for me,
prison quite appeals
Uma, why you lie?
Tell them we have got it good
Or i shall end this!
Raving Lunatic
Wants Forever Together
With The Kill Bill Chic
O darling Uma
I know you don’t mean it, babe
See you after court!
Skinny, toes too long,
But her tits are bigger,
Than you expected.
I love Uma too,
but I love her from afar.
It’s the english way.
This is what you get
For being such a beauty
Chased by mad stalkers
In passionate dreams
Past the reach of sanity
Uma waits for me
Chasing Uma moves me
In ways you will never know
I am a stalker
By her painful charm
many men’s stolid hearts are
lost in feckless dream
Stalkers are a hoot
Surely they have low standards
She walks on her hands
She looks like a dude
If you want to stalk Uma
Please look like a chick.
Moon walks on the earth
May be Man jumps over the moon
Still she is a silent volcano
-Asura