Celebrity Haiku Competition: Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney Rosanna Arquette haikuMondays? Hecklerspray? Haiku competitions?

What else did you expect?

Eh? Last week's winner? Before we've announced that this week's subject is Paul McCartney?

I suppose we'd better do that, eh?

Do you remember, last week, how we asked you to come up with the best haiku about the fact that Uma Thurman had a stalker? Do you? Well, how much d'you wanna see the winner? This much? Shall we show it to you, then? Shall we tell you that the winner was Catxpa, whose haiku run thus:

Chasing Uma moves me
In ways you will never know
I am a stalker

So are you happy with last week's winner? Do you want a chance to win yourself? Shall we give you that chance?

Would you like to know this weeks subject? Would you like it to be that:

Paul McCartney is reporting dating actress Rosanna Arquette.

Would you like to write haikus (five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables) about that? Would you like an example, as follows? Yes?

Paul McCartney is

going out with the girl from

'After Hours'? Weird.

Would you like to write your own haikus? And put them in the comments box below?



  1. Dallas says

    Not to be a sad git, but

    “Chasing Uma moves me
    In ways you will never know
    I am a stalker”

    Isn’t that 6 syllables in the first line?

  2. JBollocks says

    Sorry Adam,

    But Hecklerspray writers really are a bunch of wankers.

    I count six syllables too.
    I’ve been away for a bit, have I missed something?

  3. Adam Gade says

    I guess we’ll need a impartial judges ruling on the syllable count then. Although we can’t force Catxpa to give back his edible prize.

  4. JBollocks says


    “Chas-ing Um-a moves me”

    Look, I know I live in the boondocks, but that’s six separate sounds.

    Catxpa should vomit up his/her prize and post it back.

    I reiterate: “Hecklerspray writers really are a bunch of wankers.” and they can’t count.

  5. Dallas says

    +1 JBollocks.

    Look Adam, sound it out whilst counting the “syllables” (*different sounds*) on the fingers of one hand.

    If you run out of fingers before the end of the first line, there’s more than five syllables there.

    Unless you’re polydactyl. Then you’re REALLY screwed.


    ps there have been two other “haikus” with incorrect syllable count submitted in this thread already. See if you can identify them!

    pps I weep for the future if your maths skills are the grand achievement of the English school system.

  6. Adam Gade says

    I’m not saying you guys are wrong, I guess I just don’t care enough to bother them about it. There’s always next time.

  7. Dallas says

    Well, make it a “free verse competition” then. Or a “poem with three lines and more syllables in the middle line than the first and third lines competition”. Whatever.

    All I’m saying is if you have a “haiku competition”, make sure the winner you pick actually is a haiku.


  8. JBollocks says

    C J Davies,

    Do I detect a little denial here? “No really, I CAN count! I’ve got a GSCE!”

    Love the utter lack of response to your “Anyone else get the idea this is all being taken a little *too* seriously?” line too.

    Face facts, you fucked up.

  9. says

    ”Face facts, you fucked up.”

    Tell you what, JBollocks – I’ll send you a couple of packets of crisps if it’ll act as compensation for my mistake (which, according to the level of vitriol you’re displaying, apparently ranks up there with the invasion of Iraq, the loss of 25 million UK personal data files and New Recipe Coke).


  10. Dallas says

    This shit IS SERIOUS.

    Hands up, who’s had cancer! Hands up, who likes crisps!

    I see a lot more hands for crisps than cancer. You tell me which is more important.


  11. JBollocks says

    C J Davies,

    Dear me, I have touched a nerve haven’t I? Still, it was big of you to (rather ungraciously) admit your cock-up.

    ps “According to the level of vitriol you’re displaying”

    Oh, another winning comment!
    That wasn’t vitriol, this is;

    C J Davies writes,
    dishing it out-he sure does,
    but he can’t take it!

  12. JBollocks says

    Oh Yeah,

    Don’t say “So are you happy with last week’s winner? ” unless you mean it, you pallid example of a human being.