Boy, have we got a special treat for you.

As well as providing you with our regular Celebrity Haiku Competition – officially the only reason to go anywhere near a computer on a Monday – we're delighted to announce the subject we're covering this week: one that may or may not (depending on your level of perversity) provide you with enough 'mental filofax' material to see out the entire winter.

You know that TASTY little Katie Melua bird, right? PHWOAR, eh? She's a BIT OF ALRIGHT and no mistake! Well, hecklerspray was talking to our News Of The World-reading mates (Gaz, Daz and Baz; all respected employees of Plebeian Cowboy Tiling Ltd) and they only went and told us that she's a bloody LEZZA!

Allegedly.

Still… before we get into all that… let's take a look at last week's winner.

And – by Christ – if it isn't a two-time victor. Seven days ago we asked you to write the best haiku about the fact that the fat bloke from Keane had been called a 'crackhead' by some cheeky audience heckler. The winner was Thargor The Badger Slayer, who cleverly managed to include some Keane lyrics in his poetic ode:

Is he a crackhead?
is it any wonder the
songs are all the same

Well done, sir. You know what you win? That's right – our usual no-expense-spared five-star prize.

A multipack of Chewits.

Now, now, everybody. Calm down. We know that you'd like nothing more – just like Thargor – to get your grubby mitts on such an assortment of delicious chewy sweets. Well – here's your chance. Simply write the best haiku about this week's topical celebrity story:

Singer/songwriter Katie Melua has formed a 'very close relationship' with a lesbian photographer, which has led many to speculate as to the nature of her sexuality.

All you have to do is remember the golden shining rule of haiku: five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. An 'example' – based on the above 'story' – would go something like 'this':

So Katie is fond

of the ladies? I'll get my

camcorder ready

Think you can do better? Course you can. Simply place your entries in the comments box below …

Read More:

Lara Is The Closest Thing To Katie – News Of The World