Howdy, folks. It’s that time of the week again – those gleaming few minutes when you can forget about the suicide-provoking pointlessness of your mundane little lives and take part in the hecklerspray Celebrity Haiku Competition.

That’s right: each and every week we offer you the chance to win big. The prize in question? A delicious mouthwatering tube of Fruit Pastilles! Come on, kids. Get those fingers crossed and keep the dream alive.

All you have to do to win is a scribble out a haiku (that’s an ancient form of Japanese Poetry) about a celebrity of our choice. This week’s poetry-inspiring superstar is none other than Coldplay frontman Chris Martin.

But – before the game begins – let’s take a look at last week’s winner…

Seven days have passed since our last haiku topic: that of Lindsay Lohan being duped into exchanging saucy text messages with someone pretending to be a good-looking male actor.

The entries poured in (or at least dribbled a bit) and we’re pleased to say that the proud winner is a cheeky chappie named Joe, whose superb Lohan celebrity haiku went:

Tempest in teapot
naively reads little sexpot
true message text – not!

Well done, sir. Just send us your details and we’ll post you your magnificent sweet-based prize. Or alternatively don’t bother. We wouldn’t be offended or anything.

Anyway … onto this week’s challenge. All you have to do, dear hecklebrowsers, is scribble out the best haiku on the following hot news topic:

Coldplay’s Chris Martin has revealed that he would have liked a ’sex advisor’ to help him through those awkward first lady-fumbles.

Think you can write a poem about that? Course you bloody well can. Just remember the golden rule of haiku: five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables.

Suppose you want us to provide an ‘example’, do you? Oh, alright …

Father of Apple
Was Good At Writing Ballads
But Not At Shagging

Now, we know for a fact that you can do better than that. And we want you to prove it, goddammit.

Entries in the comments box below, please…

Read more:

Chris Martin: ‘I Needed A Sex Master’ – Chart Singles.net

[story by C J Davies]