Well this is exciting – the end of Celebrity Big Brother’s first full week. And any week where Terry Christian dresses up as a king and zips about on a midget’s mobility scooter is a good week, right?

But the Celebrity Big Brother dream is going to end tonight for either Ulrika Jonsson or Lucy Pinder, after they were nominated for eviction for having a raging ego and all the talent of a shoebox respectively. One of them has to go, but who?

We looked at Lucy Pinder yesterday, so here’s Ulrika Jonsson’s chances of Celebrity Big Brother survival…

Ulrika Jonsson – Science dictates there are seven stages of grief, but watching Ulrika Jonsson discover that she’d been nominated for eviction from Celebrity Big Brother earlier this week makes us wonder if there aren’t about 150 stages instead. Ulrika ran the gamut from bitterness to weeping to paranoia to solitude to grim-faced excuse-making to forced acceptance to – most weirdly of all – crying because she said she’ll be sad if she’s not evicted. Importantly, none of these things make Ulrika Jonsson look in any way bearable as a human being, which probably doesn’t bode well for tonight’s Celebrity Big Brother.

But if Ulrika Jonsson does get evicted from Celebrity Big Brother tonight it’ll be a terrible mistake – watching the gradual deterioration of her mental state is much more fun than watching Lucy Pinder gawp into the middle-distance and pout for hours at a time. Plus, if Ulrika goes tonight it’ll really bugger up Celebrity Big Brother’s plans to bring in Ulrika’s arch-nemesis Nancy Dell’Olio and spark off the biggest catfight in all of history. So, readers, don’t vote for Ulrika Jonsson today. Or don’t vote for anyone. In retrospect that’s probably the best idea all round.

Next week: Another look at these Celebrity Big Brother bumchops.

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