On Friday, Tina Malone was evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house – which, hooray, gave her another chance to bleat on about herself – and she was swiftly followed by Mutya, who suddenly decided that living with Coolio was rubbish and walked out. And either Ulrika or Coolio is being booted out tonight, too. See? Exciting! Sort of.
But what about the remaining Celebrity Big Brother housemates? Let’s find out, with our weekly look at Ben Adams, Coolio, LaToya Jackson and Michelle Heaton…
Ben Adams – So another week has passed in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and the number of noteworthy things that Ben Adams has done still stands at a resounding zero. Honestly, we?re beginning to think that the real Ben died several years ago and he was replaced by a paper mache mannequin of a barbershop model, because surely nobody can be that utterly free of charisma, can they? Actually, we?re just assuming that Ben is still part of Celebrity Big Brother. He might have done a Mutya too, but nobody has noticed yet. We just don?t know.
Coolio – This year?s Celebrity Big Brother looks set to become the most incident-free series in the show?s entire season, and the only person doing anything to battle against that at the moment is Coolio. He?s the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate objectionable enough to prompt a walk-out so far, which at least puts him on a par with Jade Goody?s one-armed lesbian mother, and he?s reduced Michelle Heaton to tears. Admittedly that?s not an especially hard thing to do – we get the feeling that an angry-looking plantpot could probably do the same – but at least Coolio?s trying. And for that he deserves, we dunno, something.
LaToya Jackson – Not the greatest proponent of emotion the world has ever seen, LaToya Jackson has at least displayed some signs of humanity over the last week in the Celebrity Big Brother house. Well, OK, maybe not humanity as such, but whatever you call it when a midget is drunkenly trying to come on to you and he won?t shut up and it gets a bit awkward and you visibly start scanning the room for exits. LaToya Jackson has been showing signs of that lately. Which is just as well, because she?s done arse-all else.
Michelle Heaton – OK, we?ll come out and say it. We don?t think that Michelle Heaton will be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother this year. That?s not to say that we think she?s going to win, you understand, but rather if she keeps crying at the absurd rate that she has been over the last seven days she?ll become so dehydrated that the only way she?ll be removed from the Celebrity Big Brother is with a dustpan and brush. But apart from crying relentlessly like the worst kind of idiot, Michelle Heaton has, um, no. No, actually, that?s pretty much everything. Why wasn’t she evicted on Friday? We hate the public sometimes, we really do.
Tomorrow: we look at Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer. Unless one of them gets kicked out, of course. And, you, fingers crossed.