Hey kids, have you heard the news? Celebrity Big Brother is back – and better than ever! Alright, it’s back. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.
So what’s new with Celebrity Big Brother this year? Well, judging by Friday’s big opening episode, it’s being sponsored by a bed shop and Davina McCall has taken to dressing like a big crow. And Ulrika Jonsson‘s already up for eviction. And that’s literally it.
And since nothing of interest has happened whatsoever so far, let’s get going with part one of our Celebrity Big Brother 2009 introductions, for LaToya Jackson, Mutya, Verne Troyer, Tommy Sheridan, Lucy Pinder and Ben Adams…
LaToya Jackson – Imagine being in the room when Jermaine Jackson from Celebrity Big Brother 2007 recommended Celebrity Big Brother to his sister LaToya: “Oh, it was awesome. I was trapped in a room with some genuinely objectionable arseholes – some of whom seemed a bit racist – for three weeks and I didn’t gain anything professionally from it whatsoever afterwards. You’ll love it”. Also, LaToya Jackson laughs like this: “Ehihihi! Ehihihi!” and is an idiot. That’s all. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jermaine Jackson.
Mutya – Mutya doesn’t have a surname any more. She used to be called Mutya Out Of The Sugababes but, since the great Sugababes ugliness purge of 2005, she can’t use that name any more. We’re just joking – Mutya left Sugababes of her own accord because she had a baby and realised it was the more important thing in her life – or the second most important thing after abandoning said children to appear on pikey reality TV shows, at least. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Chris Eubank.
Verne Troyer – You’ll know Verne Troyer best as either Mini Me from the Austin Powers film or the funny bald man who tried to sue hecklerspray last year because we published a still from his yucky little sex tape. But that’s all beside the point because – Darnell-style screaming meltdown not permitting – Verne Troyer is going to win Celebrity Big Brother. This is because a) he’s obviously disabled and people will feel sorry for him and b) he looks like a baby! Ha ha ha! Look at his funny little legs! PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Mikey from last year’s Civilian Big Brother.
Tommy Sheridan – Look, there’s no point putting this any other way – Tommy Sheridan is basically George Galloway. That’s all you need to know. They’re both Scottish, both politicians, both controversial, both furious about everything and both completely ready to trade in whatever professional credibility they’ve amassed for the sake of three weeks on a reality TV show for bastards. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Haven’t you been reading?
Lucy Pinder – But if Lucy Pinder is on Celebrity Big Brother, who’s getting their tits out for Nuts? This is a disaster – she needs to be voted out as quickly as possible before thousands of lonely teenage testicles balloon up and explode in her absence. Anyway, aside from her boobs Lucy Pinder is primarily known for being duller than a filing cabinet full of bathwater – so Celebrity Big Brother is her big chance to show herself in a different light. Unfortunately, the light she’s chosen seems to be that of a genuinely unlikeable right-wing lunatic. This is going to end in tears. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Danielle Lloyd.
Ben Adams – Ben Adams is probably most famous for his stint in A1, the failed experiment in naming boybands alphabetically as if they were bloody taxi firms or something. That’s not what Ben does any more, though – now he’s a successful songwriter and producer for the likes of, um, Lisa Scott Lee. So that’s obviously working out really well for him. Ben says he doesn’t really do celebrity parties, but he’s doing Celebrity Big Brother. From this we can assume that Ben Adams is a bit of a turd. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Either Mark Owen or H from Steps. We haven’t decided yet.
Tomorrow: part two of our Celebrity Big Brother introductions. Exciting, huh?
Spacechick says
At least Mutya can sing for godsakes! The rest of them are a bunch of talentless twats. Oh and why does Tommy Sheridan SHOUT ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME?