Today’s Celebrity Big Brother update: nothing happened. Nothing happened and, at this rate, nothing is going to happen. Ever.

But we must have patience. Give it a week and everyone will be screaming hardcore racism into each other’s faces and/or dressing up in leotards and pretending to be cats in a way that will stop us from ever sleeping normally again. That would be good. Good or utterly nightmarish. One or the other.

Anyway, time to conclude our opening look at this year’s Celebrity Big Brother housemates, with expert looks at Tina Malone, Coolio, Michelle Heaton, Terry Christian and Ulrika Jonsson…

Tina Malone – If you’ve watched Brookside or Shameless, you’ll know who Tina Malone is. If you don’t, you’ll probably be terrified by the hulking great fat bipolar Scouser who roared her introduction on Friday’s Celebrity Big Brother. We don’t know much about Tina Malone, other than a) she constantly feels the need to tell anyone she meets that she’s fat despite it already being fairly obvious and b) before Celebrity Big Brother is out, she’ll have punched someone in the face. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jade Goody’s mum.

Coolio – One hit wonder turned godawful celebrity chef, Coolio thinks he can win Celebrity Big Brother despite clearly not understanding what the show actually is. Then again, Coolio also thinks he’s one of the top ten rappers ever and says his favourite thing is when people tell him that his music changed their lives, something that has obviously never happened. Already the star of one vaguely racial Celebrity Big Brother incident, he’s probably one to watch. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Dennis Rodman.

Michelle Heaton – The one from Liberty X who you’d least like to spend more than a second with for fear of lashing out at her with a hammer, Michelle Heaton is famous for hating the media, even though the media is the only thing responsible for whatever grubby sliver of fame she’s managed to accrue over the years. She used to be married to the only person in the world less famous than her, but she isn’t any more. That’s about it really. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jodie Marsh.

Terry Christian – Early 1990s TV presenter turned local radio DJ, Terry Christian still appears to be a mouthy bellend. However, he is the first Celebrity Big Brother head of house – and therefore he gets to chose the housemates who’ll be up for eviction first. There’s a chance that this will make Terry Christian the voice of the people on this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, and that honestly terrifies us. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Maggot? Pete Burns? Hard to tell at the moment.

Ulrika Jonsson – Essentially public enemy number one because she had it off with an old man and has enough babies by enough men to legitimately qualify as the Swedish Bianca Jackson, Ulrika Jonsson seems to be using Celebrity Big Brother as an attempt to break the world record for repeating the word ‘Sven’ as often as possible in a three-week timespan. More interestingly, though – doesn’t Davina McCall hate Ulrika? Wasn’t there a bit of nonsense after Stan Collymore beat Ulrika up that time? Is there going to be catfight during the post-eviction interview? We hope so, because we’ve always wanted to know who’ll win in a fight between a slag and a big crow.PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Faria Alam.

Later this week: Probably more Celebrity Big Brother rubbish. But only if you’re good.

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