It took a while to get going, but finally it looks like there’s no stopping the Celebrity Big Brother evictions.

On Friday Tina was evicted and Mutya walked out, and then yesterday a surprise eviction took place, with Michelle Heaton getting the chop. So that’s the last of her crying we’ll hear, except for in every single magazine we’ll read for the next 18 months. Joy.

But where does this leave the other housemates? Here’s our Celebrity Big Brother look at Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…

Terry Christian – We don’t know about you, but we wouldn’t bet against Terry Christian coming second in this year’s Celebrity Big Brother. He’s funny, he’s open-minded, he’s everyone’s friend and he’s got a nice line in neat self-deprecation. In fact, we’d probably say that Terry was a contender to win Celebrity Big Brother, or at least he would be if he was a horny shitfaced munchkin. But he’s not, so second-place it is. Anyway, Terry has spent the last few days hinting at the fact that Celebrity Big Brother is ‘a breeze’ compared to the stresses he’s suffered over the last six months in the outside world. We don’t know what these stresses are, but if they’re worse than being trapped in a mirror-filled box with the shit one from Liberty X, he has our deepest sympathies.

Tommy Sheridan – We’re thinking about starting a campaign to get Tommy Sheridan voted in as prime minister once Celebrity Big Brother finishes. Who better to fight away the credit crunch than a burly, balding man in the middle of a painfully awkward mid-life crisis who gets his chest out at the drop of a hat, is hopeless at just about everything he’s asked to do and isn’t averse to standing around in bathrooms doing weights in his pants? Nobody, that’s who. We want Tommy Sheridan to win Celebrity Big Brother, and then we want him to become our dad. Our estranged dad, obviously. Because, come on, he’s clearly a cock.

Ulrika Jonsson – Two thirds of the way through Celebrity Big Brother and we’re still completely unable to work out what the show will do for Ulrika Jonsson’s reputation. Onscreen she comes off as decent enough – forthright about her past mistakes when she needs to be and quick to jump to the defence of others when she feels they’re being slighted – but she’s always being nominated for eviction. Why is this? Is she an arsehole when we’re not looking? Are we missing something? Either way, we hope that Ulrika comes out of Celebrity Big Brother better off than she went in. Because, seriously, if she’s reduced to making another one of those documentaries about how she’s a sex addict, we’re probably going to vomit.

Verne Troyer – Look, let’s just do the decent thing and end Celebrity Big Brother now, shall we? Verne Troyer is obviously going to win. He was obviously going to win from the moment he entered the house – thanks to the weird mixture of pity and flat-out hilarity he inspires in people – but after this week’s drunkenness, it’s pretty much a done deal. If you missed it, Verne brazenly chatted up LaToya Jackson, told Ben Adams that he liked his eyebrows and then smashed into the Diary Room door with his mobility scooter as fast as he possibly could. If that’s not a textbook way to win a reality TV show, we’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

Tomorrow: More Celebrity Big Brother nonsense than you can stand. Which, we suspect, isn’t a lot.

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