Celebrity Big Brother viewer, you have spoken. And it’s because of you that Heidi and Katia are no more.
Not literally no more, you understand – this is Celebrity Big Brother, not Jim’ll Fix It – but they’ve been evicted anyway. What’ll they do now that they’re free agents? Who knows – our guess is that Katia will try to sell lurid stories about Basshunter‘s penis and Heidi will continue to slowly and visibly melt like some kind of depressed snowman – but let’s forget about those idiots.
There are still all kinds of woeful dullards in the Celebrity Big Brother house, so let’s have a peek at them instead. Good idea? No? Well tough, we’re doing it anyway…
Nicola T – Oh Nicola T, we barely knew you. Admittedly that’s because you never really bothered to grow a personality, and as a result spending any amount of time in your company is like spending an eternity with a bucket of wallpaper paste, but it looks like your time is about to come to an end. Nicola T, you see, has been nominated for Celebrity Big Brother eviction and, unless something drastic happens, she’ll be the one who goes. Unless the Celebrity Big Brother viewers forget that she exists, of course. We do that a lot.
Lady Sovereign -Poor old Lady Sovereign. She may have survived one eviction, but the Celebrity Big Brother housemates seem determined to chew her up and spit her out – she’s already been nominated again. Why? Could it be that everyone is jealous of how grounded and funny Lady Sovereign is? Could it be that they can’t bring themselves to abbreviate her name to ‘Sov’, because they’re grown-up human beings? Or, as some have suggested, is it because eviction survival has gone to her head? That last one’s a little hard to believe – why anyone would get big-headed over the fact that about 12 lonely idiots disliked her slightly less than Heidi Fleiss is beyond us. Still, let’s keep Lady Sovereign in, because she’ll only go and record a duet with The Ordinary Boys if she leaves. That’s what people like her do, see.
Ivana Trump – Thank God that Ivana Trump wants to write a book about her Celebrity Big Brother experience, because how else would we know what it’s like to sit in a room and look slightly bored, huh? Anyway, in lieu of Ivana Trump doing anything interesting in the Celebrity Big Brother house, here’s a list of titles for that book: Here’s A Story About The Time I Had Less Exposure Than At Any Other Point In My Entire Life, Diary Of A Woman Who Spent Three Weeks Explaining How Successful She Is At Everything, I Went On A Show And Nothing Happened (Can I Talk About How Silly My Ex-Husband’s Hair Is Now?). That’s all we’ve got.
Dane Bowers – We could be wrong here, but Dane Bowers is looking more and more like a potential Celebrity Big Brother winner. What’s surprising about that is that he doesn’t seem like an especially pleasant person in real life. Yes, he was the charismatic one in that duet with Victoria Beckham, but a poo in a shoe would be the charismatic one in a duet with Victoria Beckham. Still, let’s not do him down – if Dane Bowers does win Celebrity Big Brother, then we should let him have his moment of happiness, the bulge-faced idiot.
Stephen Baldwin – Stephen Baldwin is still on Celebrity Big Brother, and this is obviously a mistake. Look at him, for crying out loud – American, berserk, oblivious to everything, finding a new fanbase in Britain. He’s David Gest, you morons. Keep him in the Celebrity Big Brother house much longer and he’ll decide to live here so that he can turn up on Celebrity Come Dine With Me with a couple of midgets and Mickey Rooney. Is that what you want? Is it, Celebrity Big Brother viewer? Well on your hands be it. Just don’t come running to us when it all goes wrong.
Stephanie Beacham – All of this year’s Celebrity Big Brother housemates have managed to live up to their public image quite well so far. For instance, Alex Reid is a berk, Nicola T is nice but dull and Stephen Baldwin is the stupidest man alive. However, having said that, Stephanie Beacham has spent the last few weeks being more like Stephanie Beacham than anyone could have ever hoped. Right from the moment that she started complaining about the poor quality of the bedsheets, she’s been a treasure – and, if anything, she’s only got worse. Part of us wants to keep Stephanie Beacham in the Celebrity Big Brother house until the end to see if she can complete her transformation into Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development. But the other, more sensible, part knows that starting to care about who wins Celebrity Big Brother is the beginning of the end for any sensible human being.
Alex Reid – At the time of writing, it would appear that an online debate is raging over whether or not Alex Reid is attractive. To be fair, the current consensus seems to be – quite rightly – that Alex Reid is a potato-headed moron with a body that looks like the result of a peanut allergy and even less self-awareness than his sort-of girlfriend; a fact which, considering that she once auditioned for Eurovision and had sex with Dane Bowers, is really saying something. But it’s not a completely one-sided debate, though – some people really do think that Alex Reid is a catch. And by ‘some people’ we mean ‘probably his mum’. What’s this got to do with Celebrity Big Brother? Not a lot. We just like taking the piss out of Alex Reid. And so do you, if you’re honest.
Vinnie Jones – If reports are to be believed, then Vinnie Jones is only doing Celebrity Big Brother to pay off a gigantic tax bill. But you know what? We’re not convinced. No, we think that – having made such films as EuroTrip, The Midnight Meat Train and Hell Ride – Vinnie Jones is simply using this excuse to spend a few weeks trapped in a mirror-filled box with the most awful Baldwin brother and a man who actually calls himself Basshunter as intellectual stimulation. It’s clearly the most intelligent thing he’s done in years, maybe even his life. And we mean that in a positive way, too, if it means that Vinnie Jones won’t violently assault us for saying it.
Basshunter – Our hearts were bleeding for Basshunter this weekend. His beloved Katia – the object of his ever-lasting affection – has been evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house. Still, Basshunter didn’t get to be Basshunter by being an emotional wimp – which is why we’ve calculated that he’s just hours away from trying to feel up Nicola T. And then, if she gets evicted before him, just a few hours from feeling up Lady Sovereign. And then Stephanie Beacham. And then Ivana Trump. And then, probably, the Baldwin chap. And so on, until Basshunter is left as the final person left in the Celebrity Big Brother house, at which point he’ll just masturbate into a mirror as many times as he can before he’s asked to leave. And so it has been foretold.
Sisqo – We have been informed that Sisqo is still part of Celebrity Big Brother. We had to check, because it’s not like he does very much, is it?
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