As we speak, Celebrity Big Brother is gearing up to evict its second housemate tonight – but who will it be?

Ulrika, Michelle, Mutya and Tina are all facing the chop tonight, which some say proves that the housemates this year are all misogynists. Not so, we say, because LaToya Jackson wasn’t nominated. Unless you count LaToya Jackson as a sort of half-robot, half-reptile, half-ghost hybrid, that is. Which we do. We’re not sure what our point is here.

Anyway, we’ve looked at Mutya, Ulrika and Tina, so here’s what we think of Michelle Heaton’s chances. Ready?

Michelle Heaton – Either Michelle Heaton is the victim of a malicious campaign by the Celebrity Big Brother producers to constantly show her in a negative light or she really is like that all the time. We’re praying it’s the former, because we genuinely don’t want to believe that a human being can be as weepy and pointless and emotionally manipulative as she is. Also, we’ve seen how much Michelle Heaton’s face swells up when she cries, so we’re pretty sure she can’t cry all the time – if she did her face would balloon up and probably explode in a puffy, annoying mess. Michelle Heaton is an awful person, plus her eyebrows look funny, plus she can’t decide which accent she wants. For these reasons we’d quite like her to be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother tonight. Thanks.

Next week: Even more Celebrity Big Brother claptrap.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!