There was another Celebrity Big Brother double eviction on Friday night, with Sisqo and Stephen Baldwin getting the chop.
Frankly we’re heartbroken. We had high hopes that Stephen Baldwin would end up winning Celebrity Big Brother. He was Celebrity Big Brother‘s Jedward. He could have gone on to release a cover of Ice Ice Baby with Vanilla Ice had he won. But no, you people made sure that would never happen. You idiots.
Still, this is the final week of Celebrity Big Brother and, like it or not, someone’s got to win. Let’s find out who it’ll be…
Nicola T – Look, let’s get this straight. Nicola T is never going to win Celebrity Big Brother. It’s never going to happen. She may have survived eviction this far, but that’s because she’s so unassuming and anonymous that people just can’t be bothered to vote for her. But now the tables are turned, and viewers are voting for who they want to win, so it goes without saying that they still won’t be able to raise the enthusiasm to vote for her. Still, despite being pointless and forgettable in the Celebrity Big Brother house, we’re sure that Nicola T will go on to forge a successful new career for herself after the show, maybe as a cloud of vapour or some dust or something.
Alex Reid – And Alex Reid isn’t going to win Celebrity Big Brother either. But for exactly the opposite reason that Nicola T won’t win. Alex Reid is such a pro-active berk, such a can-do bellend, such a hands-on clod of dimwitted scar tissue, that people will go out of their way not to vote for him this week. They might even vote for every single other Celebrity Big Brother housemate just to make sure that Alex Reid doesn’t win. He mustn’t win, either. Remember – vote Alex Reid, get Jordan. Yes, you’re right to look horrified.
Ivana Trump – Although Ivana Trump has been quick to blow her own trumpet since entering the Celebrity Big Brother house – she’s variously called herself ‘a successful businesswoman’, ‘an excellent mother’, ‘the inventor of water’, ‘the world’s first human being to be powered exclusively by turnips’ and ‘Zortang The Magnificent’ – it wasn’t until Friday’s eviction show that she actually earnt herself a tangible title. That’s right – from now on Ivana Trump’s main achievement will be that the British public consider her to be slightly less hateful than Stephen Baldwin. Impressive, Ivana. Impressive.
Basshunter – Poor Basshunter. He gambled early and he lost. Sure, starting up a Celebrity Big Brother romance is usually the fastest way to book an express ticket to victory, but Basshunter miscalculated. He started up a Celebrity Big Brother romance with a woman that everyone hated. And after Katia‘s early eviction, he’s done little other than wander around forlornly, like a puppy looking for a leg to hump. Let that be a lesson to you all – never try and have it off with Katia Ivanova. It always ends in tears.
Dane Bowers – Unless we’re wrong, Dane Bowers has played the perfect third-place game on Celebrity Big Brother. He entered the house, didn’t rock the boat, kept his head down, did his best to get on with everyone and – most importantly – didn’t use the show as an excuse to remind the world of his 2000 hit Buggin’. He won’t win Celebrity Big Brother, of course – that title’s generally reserved for people with actual personalities – but third place isn’t the end of the world. Look at all the other people who’ve gone on to achieve great things from coming third in Big Brother, like… um… oh. Never mind.
Stephanie Beacham – Until recently, we were convinced that Stephanie Beacham would end up winning Celebrity Big Brother. Now, though, we’re not so sure. And it’s all Stephen Baldwin’s fault. Before he left on Friday, he turned his Jesus beam onto Stephanie, and she’s spent the bulk of the time ever since blubbing like a ninny. It’s all bible this and holy spirit that with her now. That’s not a bad thing in itself – with any luck Stephen and Stephanie will get their own nightmarishly warped, wild-eyed Sunday morning worship show out of this – but it’s made the idea of being trapped in a life with her far less appealing.
Vinnie Jones – Right now Vinnie Jones is odds-on favourite to win Celebrity Big Brother, but that must never happen. Let Vinnie Jones win and you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain. The victory will go to his head. He’ll ditch his floundering Hollywood career and return to live in Britain. Then he’ll become the star of his own drama. It’ll probably be a Sunday teatime drama. He’ll probably be the new star of Stephen Fry‘s old show Kingdom. It’ll be a show about a Norfolk solicitor who pootles around in a posh car, nutting locals and grabbing them by the balls and calling them slags. It’ll be terrible. Don’t vote for Vinnie Jones, please.
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Tina says
With Sisqo now gone, I can only see two potential WINNERS: either ALEX or IVANA, because they are the only ones who remained true to themselves and people genuinely like them.
The rest are a bunch of tossers …
Honestly, I don’t think Stephanie ‘BITCH’-am is all that
and Vinnie, that …bragging B.U.L.L.Y. is suuuuuuch a loser!!!
As if that conniving Nic T or even PLAIN Dane have any chance in hell…
So, it is what it is: ALEX or IVANA to win!!
Tina says
Oooops! I forgot about Jonas a.k.a. Basshunter …
Hopefully, you will, too.
ALEX or IVAN to win!!!!!!!!
Tina says
Of course, I meant to write I.V.A.N.A. … she is a lady.
matthew says
VINNIE VINNIE VINNIE HAHAHA!
Think about it Vinnie has alot of celebrity friends backing him in Hollywood,just one of them picking up the phone and spending 2 grand will make him the winner.