Now that's the sort of Celebrity Big Brother weekend we were looking for. On Friday Jade Goody and her family of assorted oddballs entered the Celebrity Big Brother house and by Sunday night they'd scared both Donny Tourette and Ken Russell off.
What could have done it? Donny Tourette says he didn't want to be Jade Goody's servant and – as far as we can tell – Ken Russell got the hump when Jade Goody started bellowing and crying about a cream cracker. Whatever happens now is anybody's guess. Will Celebrity Big Brother start throwing in stand-by housemates into the fray? That'd be interesting purely because we'd like to see how the production team can find someone less famous than Carol Malone. Or maybe Celebrity Big Brother will just stumble on to its inevitable 'good but not as good as last year' conclusion. Or maybe constantly watching Celebrity Big Brother Live on E4 all the time will send us doolally and we'll go out and commit hate crimes against tiny white men with afros.
Who's going to win Celebrity Big Brother this year? Here's part one of this week's Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – for Carol Malone, Jermaine Jackson, Jack Tweed, Jackiey Goody, Danielle Lloyd and Shilpa Shetty – with help from the ever-wonderful Paddy Power…
Carole Malone – It's a regular occurrence for Celebrity Big Brother housemates to say "Oh no, I don't to think of myself as a celebrity" even though deep down they know they'd rather kill themselves than trade in the sliver of fame that they refuse to let go of. And even though Carol Malone only appears on shows with the word 'celebrity' in the title (Celebrity Big Brother, Celebrity Fit Club) she has every reason to say "I'm not a celebrity" and mean it. Because she's possibly the least famous human being the world has ever seen. Carol's first five days in the Celebrity Big Brother house haven't justified all the catcalls that she got on her entrance – actually he seems quite nice at times – but then the only audience response she deserves is a sort of mass bewildered shrug. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 50/1
Jermaine Jackson – Does anyone else get the feeling that the Celebrity Big Brother producers are a little bit disappointed with Jermaine Jackson? Where his sister is happy to flop a bap out during one of the world's most-watched sporting events and his brother sometimes gets wasted on Jesus Juice and dresses up as a woman to go shopping, Jermaine Jackson's Celebrity Big Brother experience has involved a lot of nervous silence and not much else. Although there's obvious value for money in watching a former member of the Jackson 5 tentatively approach a crying girl in the style of the monkeys approaching the monolith at the start of 2001: A Space Odyssey, that's not nearly enough for anyone to let him win Celebrity Big Brother. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 40/1
Jack Tweed – So Jade Goody is famous for being on regular Big Brother, and her Mum is famous for still looking like a warm sachet of poultry giblets despite having thousands of pounds worth of cosmetic surgery done on her face, but Jack Tweed? Our postman is more famous than Jack Tweed. Since entering Celebrity Big Brother on Friday, Jack Tweed has done nothing but sit around occasionally mumbling things like "Celebrity Fit Club? Wossat?" Of course, Jack Tweed gets obvious sympathy points for having to put up Jade Goody all the time, but – seriously – we own socks that are more entertaining than Jack Tweed. And our socks are notoriously bad dinner party hosts. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 40/1
Jackiey Goody – We never thought we'd feel sorry for Jade Goody, but now we've seen her mum Jackiey in full flow, we think we might be beginning to. Just about everything that Jackiey does enrages us – from the superfluous 'y' in her name to the way that she's completely unable to remember anybody's name to the grating Frank Butcher roar of her voice, Jackiey Goody has all the grace and social skills of a concussed grizzly bear. But having said that, Jackiey Goody's presence in Celebrity Big Brother has given the show a much-needed kick up the arse – Shilpa hates her, we're borderline certain that Jade hates her and Ken pretty much left Celebrity Big Brother because he hated her so much – so although Jackiey might not win, she deserves to stay in the Celebrity Big Brother house for as long as possible. Simply because it keeps her out of the real world, if nothing else. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 14/1
Danielle Lloyd – Danielle Lloyd announced on her way into the Celebrity Big Brother house that she wanted people to see the real her. Well good – we now know that the real Danielle Lloyd is essentially a deeply stupid person who never had to develop any kind of personality because she's always been somewhat attractive. But because Danielle Lloyd is so offensively inoffensive to everyone she meets all the time, she's got fourth place written all over her. In fact, Danielle Lloyd is so dull that her fellow Celebrity Big Brother housemates probably don't even remember that she exists. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 10/1
Shilpa Shetty – Of all the different reasons to have an argument with Jackiey Goody, a z-list celebrity's willingness to eat some nice food wouldn't usually rank too highly, but that didn't stop Shilpa Shetty from having a go at it anyway. You see, Shilpa Shetty doesn't like to eat food before her servants have tried it first – presumably in case one of her Bollywood rivals has slipped some cyanide into it – and Jackiey Goody disagreed with her, kicking off the first big fight of Celebrity Big Brother 2007. Shilpa probably won the fight on points, but her new street-brawling reputation isn't likely to win the public over. Unless she kicks Leo Sayer's head in, of course – in which case she'd be crowned the winner of Celebrity Big Brother instantly. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 10/1
Tomorrow – the Celebrity Big Brother betting odds for, you know, the people who actually stand a chance of winning Celebrity Big Brother. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Celebrity Big Brother betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.
Sleepy London says
Oh thank god – I thought I was the only one who thought Leo Sayer was a grade A wanker. Is it wrong to want none of these pricks to win?