As is becoming worryingly predictable, hardly any of the Celebrity Big Brother housemates we predicted actually went into the house during last night's spectacularish 90-minute Celebrity Big Brother premiere, but at least we did get some right.
For instance Jermaine Jackson, Dirk Benedict and H from Steps all took their places in the Celebrity Big Brother house, but sadly Whitney Houston, Lil' Kim and Kilroy all seemed to find the promise of 25 days trapped in a house with one of S Club 7 a little to hard to stomach. But let's forget the non-housemates – what about this year's Celebrity Big Brother?
Well, as always it's far too early to tell if this year's Celebrity Big Brother will be excellent or crap, but we've got 25 whole days to find out. And Jade Goody and her awful family haven't even set foot in the Celebrity Big Brother house yet. But now the big question is: exactly who's going to win Celebrity Big Brother?
Here are the first-night Celebrity Big Brother betting odds for 2007, with help from Paddy Power…
Carol Malone – Who the hell is Carol Malone? She's a columnist for a Sunday newspaper, which means that people automatically get to dislike her. In turn, Carol Malone dislikes several people, too, like WAGs and, um, people who go on Big Brother. Before Carol Malone explodes in a confusing fit of self-loathing, though, she has to put the record straight about herself. "People think I'm a tough old bird," she says, but she's wrong. Nobody has the slightest clue who she is. May as well held up a sign on the way into the Celebrity Big Brother house saying Speak To My Agent About The Book Deal. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 33/1
Jermaine Jackson – Who the hell is Jermaine Jackson? One of Michael Jackson's brothers, obviously – you know, the one who says he was the lead singer of the Jackson 5 even though he only had one line in I Want You Back and not much else. More than 30 years of not being nearly as famous as Michael Jackson has left Jermaine Jackson coping with people bellowing "Do the moonwalk!" at him by developing a nasty case of OCD and maintaining that he's a very private person, even though he's currently on the goldfish bowl that is Celebrity Big Brother. Oh, and he dresses exclusively in Michael Jackson's 20-year-old hand-me-downs, too. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 28/1
Shilpa Shetty – Who the hell is Shilpa Shetty? You wouldn't be asking that if you lived in India, because Shilpa Shetty is the most famous Indian that has ever walked the face of the earth. We know this because Shilpa Shetty told us about 80 times that nobody in India is more famous than she is, and the look in her eye said she knows people who'd kill you if you thought otherwise. All this plus she owns a dog called Champagne. Could Shilpa be the most deluded person on this year's Celebrity Big Brother? There's every chance. She got booed on the way into the Celebrity Big Brother house, which proves that even though nobody knows her, they don't seem to like her all that much either. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 16/1
Donny Tourette – Who the hell is Donny Tourette? Oh come on, you're a hip young thing. You've heard of Towers Of London, haven't you? No, neither have we. Donny Tourette seems to be this year's Preston, only slightly less famous and more of a dick. Donny Tourette is basically a ten-year-old doing an impression of Liam Gallagher, and he described himself as a "troublemaker" in his Celebrity Big Brother VT, which he then went onto demonstrate by spilling a bit of beer on a carpet. We get the impression that Donny Tourette's real name is probably fucking Tarquin or something. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 16/1
Danielle Lloyd – Who the hell is Danielle Lloyd? She's probably the least famous human being on the face of the planet, but people know her because she was Miss Great Britain until she started banging a middle-aged footballer by the name of Teddy – which we know because she said "Teddy" ten billion effing times in the space of 20 seconds – and has since turned into the most vacuous WAG the world has ever seen. Amusing has entered Celebrity Big Brother so that people can see "the real her" which is a surprise because we weren't sure anybody even knew the pretend her in the first place. One thing's for sure – people sodding hate her. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 16/1
Ken Russell – Who the hell is Ken Russell? Only the man who thought that filming an unblinking scene of Oliver Reed and Alan Bates wrestling in the buff was a good idea, that's who. Ken Russell, one of this country's finest film directors, is now ancient and mental enough to belt Singing In The Rain on the way into the Celebrity Big Brother house, splurge out a genuinely filthy impression of Pete from the last series of Big Brother and try to intellectualise the Celebrity Big Brother experience, even though he's basically going to spend a month arguing with a topless model about a teabag. And, judging by the careful way Davina McCall was treating him, we might just be in for the first ever Celebrity Big Brother death. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 11/1
Cleo Rocos – Who the hell is Cleo Rocos? There was a man in the 1980s who was called Kenny Everett. He was quite funny and he had a considerably less funny sidekick who had enormous knockers. This is Cleo Rocos. She hasn't changed in 20 years, except now she looks a little bit more like Melanie Griffiths in Working Girl. Oh, and she's a textbook schizophrenic. Cleo says she likes to be other people. Cleo also says that she wasn't born, but she's just a little doodle on God's telephone pad. Almost illegally happy all the time, we're counting down the days until we see Cleo Rocos' inevitable first great big wibbling sobbing Celebrity Big Brother breakdown. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 10/1
Ian H Watkins – Who the hell is Ian H Watkins? You will know Ian H Watkins as that blonde tit from Steps. Steps split up years ago, but Ian H Watkins is still ultra defensive about it, saying he knew people were laughing at him, but he was laughing along. We weren't laughing. We were calling him a tit. Ian is now a jobbing stage (ie panto) actor, even though he's still the goonish wannabe kid's TV host he always was. There's more – Ian came out shortly before entering the Celebrity Big Brother house. Well there's something – the gay-seeming one from Steps was gay. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 13/2
Dirk Benedict – Who the hell is Dirk Benedict? As predicted by us ages ago, he's bloody Faceman from The A Team, that's who he is. And he really is Faceman from The A Team, too. Just where Faceman was ice-cool, desperately shallow and slightly horny all the time, Dirk Benedict also appears to be ice-cool, desperately shallow and slightly horny all the time. Well, OK – maybe more than a little bit horny; we're half-expecting one of the female Celebrity Big Brother contestants to wake up to find Faceman humping
his her leg. The Celebrity Big Brother producers obviously want Dirk Benedict to win, since they shamelessly manipulated the audience by putting him in the house last, playing The A Team theme-tune as he entered and sending him in inside The A Team van. And – hey – it worked. Dirk Benedict to win please. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 4/1
Leo Sayer – Who the hell is Leo Sayer? Leo Sayer is an afro-haired squeaky-voiced imp who lives in the 1970s. Just about everything that Leo Sayer says or does is about the 1970s. Despite this, you know him best because Jambo from Hollyoaks covered one of his songs once. Leo seems to think that he's able to cheer up any room he walks into, even though everyone knows that people who think this are utter tossers. And, just in case some people needed convincing that Leo Sayer was a bit of an amiable twat, this is what he said of the Celebrity Big Brother house "Let's make it a Leo house." Yes, Leo Sayer is a bit of a knob-end, and – yes – we are ashamed that we already find him quite endearing. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 4/1
Jo O'Meara – Who the hell is Jo O'Meara? Why, she's the mannish one from S Club 7, although she seems to have spent the post-Club years slowly turning into Pauline Fowler. In the time between S Club 7 and Celebrity Big Brother, Jo has given up singing to pursue dog breeding – a career path she obviously hates with every single fibre of her body and would happily give up for a 2am presenting gig on Bid-Up TV in an instant if someone offered her 50p. But you know what? The crowd freaking well loves her. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 4/1
Someone Else – Jade, obviously. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 8/1
Tomorrow we'll see how some of the Celebrity Big Brother housemates are settling in. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Celebrity Big Brother betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.