Celebrity Big Brother has been a bit like a cheap hotel shower over the last few days – it's either been full-blast international news-makingly dramatic or so deathly dull that we've wanted to destroy our own eyes, and absolutely nothing in between.
After Jade Goody was evicted from Celebrity Big Brother to take part in a one-woman 'see who can open their mouth really wide and bawl the most' competition for the News Of The World, the rest of the Celebrity Big Brother housemates have had nothing to do, except try and make Big Brother laugh in a transparently 'Look! We're not all racist!" task that was roughly as funny as herpes. OK, several times less funny than herpes. And unless Newsnight starts reporting on Cleo Rocos putting on a wig and following Dirk Benedict around a bit, we get the feeling that the final week of Celebrity Big Brother is going to be something of a damp squib.
But someone has to win Celebrity Big Brother – the question is who it'll be. Here's part two of this week's Celebrity Big Brother betting odds to win, for Jermaine Jackson, Dirk Benedict, Cleo Rocos and Shilpa Shetty, with help from Paddy Power…
Jermaine Jackson – Last Sunday Carole Malone said that Jermaine Jackson was going to walk out of the Celebrity Big Brother house if the tensions got too bad. Too bad? Last week tensions got just about as bad as they could get without a torched car and a handful of stabbings, and yet Jermaine Jackson is still holding firm within the Celebrity Brother house. Why? Our theory is this: Jermaine's constantly-on sunglasses are actually mirrored on the inside as well as the outside, which means that the only things Jermaine can ever see are his own eyes staring back at him, and this has somehow hypnotised him into a state of extreme inertia punctuated only by confused pseudo-wartime inspirational speeches and occasional maraca-shaking. Even though he sung on I Want You Back, we get the feeling that Jermaine would be lower down the Celebrity Big Brother betting odds list if it weren't for all of last week's nasty racism and that. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 13/2
Dirk Benedict – First Celebrity Big Brother had Donny Tourette, who showed half of his bottom to Davina McCall and hopped it over the wall at the first opportunity; then there was Leo Sayer, who smashed in the Celebrity Big Brother exit and called a burly security guard a "bastard." Now Dirk Benedict is manfully tackling the role of the Celebrity Big Brother rebel, even though he's mostly shit at it. He pours whiskey away! He skips in the Celebrity Big Brother garden rather than talk to Danielle Lloyd! He, um, occasionally ignores Cleo Rocos! And it's all because Dirk Benedict just wants to get evicted from Celebrity Big Brother so he can bugger off back to the safety of Montana again. But it just isn't working, and it's clear why – while being a bit antisocial is usually enough to secure a Celebrity Big Brother eviction, this year the stakes have been raised. To get noticed as unpopular enough to be voted off Celebrity Big Brother this year, Dirk Benedict would need to go and commit a serious racially motivated hatecrime, and poor old Faceman just doesn't have it in him. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 5/1
Cleo Rocos – Cleo Rocos has performed an invaluable role inside the Celebrity Big Brother house as the glue that's attempted to hold the fragmenting groups of housemates together. She failed spectacularly of course – last week's Celebrity Big Brother made the LA race riots look like a wonderful picnic in an enchanted forest – but at least she tried. Now that relative normality has been restored – no thanks to her – Cleo can continue doing what she does best; putting on a wig and annoying the living shit out of Face from The A-Team. So much for Cleo's "I never met a man I loved as much as Kenny" shtick – we get the feeling that Cleo Rocos is still single because every time she meets a man she likes she dresses up as a badly thought-out and deeply unfunny 'character', tries to touch him on the cock while making a string of obscene remarks and then acts like a bitter stalky rejected nutter when he invariably gets the hump with her. Current Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 4/1
Shilpa Shetty – If these betting odd are correct then Shilpa Shetty is going to win Celebrity Big Brother this year, at which point she'll see what sort of country the UK really is – a country so cripplingly embarrassed by the actions of a pikey, a washed-up singer and a fluff-brained model that it's willing to consciously bump up its praise for a slightly annoying woman with an unusually shrill voice out of nothing but traditional British guilt. If Shilpa Shetty does win Celebrity Big Brother, it'll round out all this talk of racism nicely – hopefully she'll say something considered and sensible, all will be smoothed over, Celebrity Big Brother will live to fight another year and Shilpa Shetty and Jade Goody will get their own odd-couple sitcom, called Holy Shit I Live With A Right Old Bloody Racist or something. Yes, we'd like that. Celebrity Big Brother betting odds – 4/5
Tomorrow – the last week of Celebrity Big Brother is usually littered with evictions. If that's the case, we'll have betting odds for those; if not, something else. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Celebrity Big Brother betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.
Kelly says
Yeah, let’s put Jade back in! And a squadron of white supremacists, too.
Meanwhile – any else noticed that Cleo is the new Jade?
Jeremy says
Top top: rather than destroy your own eyes; stop watching retarded crap on the idiot-box.
James says
Umm, I think they have to watch the “retarded crap on the idiot box” because it’s the writers job. How else would people like you be able to leave their insightful comments if nobody writes the article?
With all due respect to the writer I don’t think Cleo is the glue. She’s a wilful self delusional nut job. The things she says are incredible. Imagine, just for a second, being married to her. I laughed so hard when she inevitably failed that “make BB laugh” task.
Tim C says
What I can’t understand is how all these foreign actors get UK work permits so easily; they are clearly performing on a piece of theatre that is broadcast in edited acts. Doesn’t Equity care anymore?
And I reckon that possibly Shilpa del;iberately undercooked the chicken to poison the other artistes. My experience over many years is that most Indian women and/or women of Indian origin are excellent cooks. She cries to win….