Celebrity Big Brother is here again, for the very last time. Oh, at least try to look excited, would you?
Because when it’s gone, it’s gone for good. And where will you get to see barely-famous Z-listers debasing themselves in a series of horrific ways for a comparatively meagre amount of cash when it’s over? What? Hotel Babylon? Oh.
But anyway, as is our wont, we’ll be dipping in and out of Celebrity Big Brother over the next few weeks to keep you up to date about whatever dreary self-promoting nonsense the housemates happen to be getting up to. But before that, let’s look at this year’s collection of Celebrity Big Brother subnormals, shall we?
Stephen Baldwin – Hey, it’s Alec‘s crappy brother. No, not that one. And not that one. And not that one. Or that one. The other one. The one from Biodome. You may also know Stephen Baldwin as the lunatic right-wing Christian who used his Celebrity Big Brother entrance to carp on about Jesus and “The light of truth” only to be booed by the crowd. As a positive, he forgot how doors work upon entering the house. He’ll be fun. No, sorry. He’ll be ‘fun’.
Nicola T – Nicola T is, of course, a Page Three girl. Although you’d only know that if you read The Sun, in which case you won’t actually know how to read and this explanation will just look like an impenetrable bunch of squiggles to you. Nicola used to go out with a footballer, then dumped him. For a footballer. We don’t really know who she is or what she’ll be like on Celebrity Big Brother, but she looks a bit like Lucie Jones from X Factor would if she’d just witnessed some kind of harrowing, mind-scarring atrocity at horribly close range. Still, she can work doors so that gives her a headstart on the Baldwin.
Alex Reid – Oh, you know Alex Reid. He’s had sex with Jordan. Actually, that doesn’t exactly whittle things down, does it? Anyway, Alex Reid is probably taking part in Celebrity Big Brother because he’s also a sort-of porn star, and a cross-dresser, and he’s got a face like an obliterated cauliflower. Booed beyond comprehension by the Celebrity Big Brother crowd on the way in, Alex pointed out that he’d “turn the boos into cheers” on the way out. Providing he leaves the house on a stretcher with some kind of animal trying to eat his face off, we’re sure that this will be a task he can accomplish with ease.
Stephanie Beacham – Remember that woman from Big Brother a few years ago? The posh one who had big boobs and zero personality? Remember how crap she was? Well, here’s your celebrity version of her. Stephanie Beacham is posh, quite old and a monumental dullard. Used her Celebrity Big Brother entrance?interview to cackle like a transvestite Bond villain and nothing else. Presumably only part of Celebrity Big Brother because Joan Collins was otherwise engaged.
Lady Sovereign – Really Lady Sovereign? You’re going to go through the entirety of Celebrity Big Brother insisting that everyone calls you Lady Sovereign, with the optional alternative of ‘Sov’? Can’t we just call you Louise or Laura or whatever your real name is instead? Judging by her Celebrity Big Brother entrance, she’s done a grime version of Inbetween Days by The Cure which we’re really not sure how we’re supposed to react to. Finally, remember that Lady Sovereign did a song with Preston from The Ordinary Boys once, and he did Celebrity Big Brother as well. What’s our point? That they’re both ghastly dickheads, obviously.
Sisqo – The bloke from The Thong Song! And, you know, its wildly successful follow-up… um… no, actually, we haven’t got a sodding clue what the follow-up was. Sisqo apparently once went out with Samantha Mumba, which probably speaks for itself. Used his entrance to Celebrity Big Brother to perform a tightly-choreographed version of The Thong Song, and not its wildly successful follow-up… um… no, we still can’t remember what it was called. He’s a midget, though, and he wears baseball caps, so at least he’ll be able to swap wardrobes with Lady Sovereign if one of them wets themselves. “I’m taller if I stand on my wallet,” he said upon entering the house. His wallet isn’t full of money – he’s just so incredibly short that his height can be conspicuously altered by standing on a thin sheet of folded leather.
Dane Bowers – In his time, Dane Bowers was the lead singer of Another Level and he did a song with Victoria Beckham and we think he’s the owner of the disembodied penis in Jordan’s sex tape. And he’s got a face like a condom full of milk. If reports are to be believed, Dane Bowers punched Alex Reid in the face a few days before the start of Celebrity Big Brother. But they’re both friends now, which means that Dane’s inclusion in the show instantly went from ‘potentially interesting’ to ‘arse-prolapsingly dull’. But, hey, why break the habit of a lifetime?
Heidi Fleiss – Famous for being a Hollywood madam. Sorry, famous for being a Hollywood madam about a million years ago. Since her release from jail, Heidi has a) opened a laundrette, b) opened a pet-grooming shop, c) unsuccessfully tried to open a male brothel featuring Mike Tyson as the main attraction and d) cultivated a profession as the world’s leading Pete Burns lookalike. “Been a long time” said Stephen Baldwin as she entered the Celebrity Big Brother house, the massive Jesusy pervert.
Jonas Altberg – You may know Jonas Altberg better as Basshunter. Or, if you’re not 12 years old, you may not know him at all. He once had an orgy and he once had Tourette’s, which makes him half Mad Pete and half, dunno, Caligula. He worse a cummerbund on the way into the Celebrity Big Brother house, though, which instantly makes us like him more. And he seems awfully polite too – you know, for an involuntarily-swearing sex fiend who makes bad music for a living.
Katia Ivanova – That would be the exceptionally young woman who was recently beaten up in the street by pensionable guitar-skeksis Ronnie Wood. Honestly, Jo Wood did Strictly Come Dancing and now Katia Ivanova’s doing Celebrity Big Brother. If his shitty mullet, concave face and horrible paintings weren’t already reason enough to hate Ronnie Wood, then the fact that his penis seems to act as a kind of key that unlocks a range of piss-poor reality TV show careers might just push you over the edge. Immediately after entering the Celebrity Big Brother house, Katia headed directly to the toilet. Funny, that.
Vinnie Jones – Good to see the old Hollywood career’s doing so well, Vinnie. Who knew that the bottom would fall out of the ‘being the mute sidekick in a number of straight-to-DVD action flicks starring former professional wrestlers’ market enough to warrant a humiliating stint on a reality TV show so quickly? Greeted by the Celebrity Big Brother crowd like a national hero, so let that be a lesson to any youngsters reading – why not get ahead in life by biting other human beings on the nose as hard as you possibly can for no reason whatsoever? But let’s be fair, this is a different Vinnie Jones to the one we’ve seen before – this one wears a hat.
Following the entrances, all the Celebrity Big Brother housemates had to get into a parked car together. It’s going to be that sort of show, isn’t it? Ugh.