Celebrities Join Forces To Write Kid’s Book

Hecklerspray tried writing a book for children once.

It didn't get that far. Apparently - according to those 'publisher'-types - children just aren't interested in post-New Labour reinterpretations of Milton Friedman's economic theorising. Apparently that's all a bit 'complex' for them, and we'd be much better off with some predictable tract about a cat looking for a balloon. Christ almighty - no wonder they're all so stupid, the pram-dwelling little bastards.

God bless those celebrities, then, eh? God bless 'em. Better than us mere mortals in every way, they've decided to show us how it's done.

52 famous public figures are getting together to pen a children's book for the NSPCC. Once Upon A Time will see each celebrity scribbling out ten lines of the story, with possibly only a couple of them getting detention for writing 'and then he did a big poo' or 'and then his willy got trapped' or something. Russell Brand, we're looking at you. We've seen your routine - that's kind of about the level you work at, isn't it?

The story will be started by former Blur guitarist Alex James, most recently seen embarrassing himself to bits on a particularly cringeworthy Question Time ('politics is, like, well complex and stuff, y'know?'), and currently spending most his time carving out a niche as a Last Of The Summer Wine extra. Terrifyingly, the inspiration for the story is said to emerge from Blur hit Country House - a proposition roughly as disturbing as a movie based on Hey Dude by Kula Shaker. 

James's story revolves around: 

'… a big house in the country, inhabited by a wealthy Duke. But in typical fairy-tale style, the house is something of a fantastical creation and has cellars full of wheels of the finest cheese - possibly inspired by Little Wallop, the cheese produced by the Indie musician on his farm in the Cotswolds.'

Even more bewildering than that? Try this: 

'James' contribution ends with the arrival of four children at the very big house - an influence from one of his favourite childhood authors, Enid Blyton. But it is up to Radio One's Sara Cox to decide their fate.'

Presumably their fate involves having to sit through a godawful Breakfast Radio Show, gnashing their tiny teeth as they struggle to cope with a flow of mediocre indie records and the wittering of a public-school-educated daddy's girl trying to sound like Nora Batty (two Last Of The Summer Wine references in one article? Jumping Jesus, we're on top form today).

Other celebs taking part in the storython include KT Tunstall, Linford Christie and fashion designer Henry Holland (nope, us neither). Rumours as to whether Tunstall's contribution will be as exciting as her music - i.e on a similar level as watching an old lady make her way to the Post Office - have yet to be confirmed.

Do keep an eye out for Wayne Rooney's section, though. It's quite interesting - he's opted to simply draw a nice big picture of a smiley Sun in a big blue sky. Almost as though he was having trouble with the words or something.

Can't think why that would be.

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Celebs Pen Children's Charity Book - DailySnack