October’s rubbish. Not only do we have to piss around with our clocks to make our days darker, but it gets a lot colder.

But there is a plus to all of this – Halloween! Hooray for Halloween indeed because, unlike Christmas, it isn’t promoted to us three months before it takes place and we don’t have to have awkward family meals with aunts we’d rather not see.

Everyone benefits from Halloween. The kids get to pester neighbours and pick up tons of free sweets. Adults get to pointlessly dress up as ghosts, skeletons and zombies and get drunk at various parties and clubs. But of course, some people in society are all bah humbug about Halloween. This time it’s the turn of the Christians to get their Bible in a twist and proclaim that it’s evil. Just like this man, see his rant after the jump.

Referencing a book that is thousands of years old and hasn’t really been modernised since, this man is a bit angry about Halloween. He’s basically against everyone having a good time and celebrating the living dead. Because we like to heal rifts between people, we can offer some suggestions as to how Christians and Halloween lovers can get along this weekend:

1 – Wear a cross. When Jesus died, he was nailed in to a cross. So why not spread the word and love about Christianity by wearing your own gigantic death cross? Obviously we don’t want you hammering nails into your own hands, but a bit of fake blood here will totally give off the effect.

2 – Dress as a zombie Jesus. This bloke seems to think we’re not religious. How wrong he is. At Christmas, we celebrate Santa and at Easter everyone gets chocolate eggs from a cute bunny! Easter also has something to do with Jesus coming back from the dead, which therefore makes him a zombie. Surely if we dress as a zombie Jesus, all Christians will love us.

3 – Get drunk off wine. Jesus turned water into wine and, at parties, lots of grown-ups get wrecked off wine. Therefore the blood of Jesus is kept alive in us and in the morning, the spirit of Christ will be released via vomiting and trips to the toilet.

We’re unsure if our tips will make this man all happy and joyous, but you know, we’ve done our best. However for any trick or treaters visiting his house that night, we think you should probably steer clear. Instead of getting handfuls of sweets, you’ll just get a junior version of the Bible and one hundred reasons on how to escape from Hell.

Next, we’ll attempt to solve the conflict between Israel and Palestine. We’re on a roll today.

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