CD Warfare - Coldplay Vs Oasis

Rock rivalries are great. It’s all part of growing up - finding a band you like and shunning all the others. If you’re a girl, you’ll cover your wall with posters of a band, and write "Laura Luvs Zammo Out Of Sleeper" in tippex on your geography folder. If you’re a boy, you’ll try and dress like them, grow your hair like them - even try a ridiculous new accent to make you sound like them.

Now, the world is bracing itself for a brand new chart war: Coldplay Vs Oasis. They’re both releasing albums close to each other, X&Y and Don’t Believe The Truth. And you can’t like them both. That’s illegal.

In the past, there was the war against The Beatles (CDs) and The Rolling
Stones (CDs) - the most stupid of rivalries, because they all hung out
together anyway. And Mods Vs Rockers - mainly a choice between dressing
like Tim from The Office (DVDs) or the Turkish Elvis impersonator that works
at the kebab shop.

The biggest rivalry of recent times happened ten years ago - Blur Vs
Oasis. Were you a jellied eels-eating, chim-chim-iney cockney Pat
Butcher market boy (CDs), or were you a monobrowed abusive northerner (CDs)? That
was the big choice. The fact that the two songs that were put up
against each other in the chart battle were the band’s worst songs of
the time only compounded the pointlessness of it all.

And now people have to make the choice all over again. Are you a Coldplay (CDs) fan, or an Oasis fan? Let’s weigh up the contenders.

Oasis have a huge fanbase who are more like football supporters than
music fans. They love Oasis because they loved the world ten years ago.
They want to dress the same as they did, shout the same chants as they
did, drink Red Stripe and waddle around like they’ve shat themselves
the same as they did.

Oasis fans are oblivious to the fact that the band has now become
nothing more than a touring nostalgia machine, like the Stones or
anyone that’s been on Hit Me Baby One More Time. The albums they’ve
released in the last eight years have walked the same path as their
first two records, only not so well. Judging by new single Lyla,
they’re playing it safe yet again.

Coldplay started off as the new Travis (CDs), but were somehow in the
right place in the right time when Radiohead (CDs) released Kid A, the beguiling
Boards Of Canada photocopy that made the world scratch it’s head for a
few moments. The first Coldplay album, Parachutes, neatly filled the gap of
what the everybody wanted Radiohead to sound like, so they all bought that instead.

Their last album did extraordinarily well, and now people are
looking to them to be the future of music. According to early reviews,
they’ve reacted by disappearing up their bottoms.

So, Oasis Vs Coldplay. Or Status Quo Vs Pink Floyd. Or Dadrock claptrap Vs Student claptrap. Your choice.

[story by Stuart Heritage]