The humble indie discotheque, back in the early nineties, were dramatically different to the thousands that clog up every city centre currently. For a start, the cliental were a lot moodier, didn't give a toss if the night was hosted in an office block and the DJ used physical vinyl instead of simply pressing play on a pre arranged Spotify list.
Now, these places are where trendy bell-ends go each week, take thousands of badly shot photos and pose in wacky positions to put on Facebook. Even the music doesn't come as a surprise as they?ll be a retro segment, so-called ?rave? selection, contemporary classics and songs illegally downloaded two hours before the laptop DJ?s set.
The Killers seem to unite everyone in unison. Couples snog over their so called ?love song? and daft girls cry because of their worrying amounts of lust for Brandon Flowers ? he’s the man who broke away from The Killers to make this solo album.
And we've listened to it, mainly so you don't have to.
The Killers have made a career out of posing in videos, having a band name which doesn't make anyone feel threatened in the slightest and have written lyrics that a seven-year-old would be proud of before receiving a gold pin on their jumper, bouncing up and down and patted on the head before being sent off for lunch.
Perhaps that is the strategy used by Brandon Flowers Management Company for him to spew out song after song of tripe that, when listened to, burns the ears worse than some sort of pre dated Aborigine torture.
Let's look at the evidence shall we?
On the track ‘Human’, Flowers takes the award for stupidest lyric in a song. It's as if the record company were going to master the album and twenty minutes before the deadline, the lyrics for ?are we human, or are we dancer?? were chucked in, hoping that no-one would notice. Sounding like something a 1940?s robot would say, it's the equivalent of us penning a dub jam with the lyrics ?are we full of blood, or are we black pudding??
God bless Brandon Flowers, he's so popular, that the rest of his band suffer from U2, Muse, Coldplay and Snow Patrol syndrome. Everyone knows the name of the front man, but the rest of the band perish in to the background and are forced to play in the dark, aren't allowed to take part in interviews and are only allowed to help themselves to the buffet once Flowers has fingered his way through the triangle sandwiches and crisps.
Here we go then.
‘Flamingo’ the debut album by the world's most famous Mormon ?Brandon Flowers (well, not including the more famous Mormons, The Osmonds – Ed.).
Initial single ‘Crossfire’ didn't really need to be the first release from the album. Anything could have been brought out due to the absolute lack of emotion, energy or rock n roll on this dire excuse for an album, which seems increasingly like a desperate cash-in for the record label. After-all, Brandon Flowers equals hoards of fanboys and girls who?ll buy the shitty thing without reading accurate reviews like this.
People say ?watching paint dry would be fun? in certain situations. This time, we?d rather cover ourselves with a tin of eggshell gloss where we blind ourselves with the chemicals, collapse and spasm off the solvent fumes or wait until the paint hardens over our ears so we never have to hear the utter shite that is ‘Flamingo’.
The ironically titled ‘On The Floor’ sounds like the soundtrack to a fucking funeral march down a street as a family of mourners turn already damp tissues in to a lump of paper mush. Christ, if ever anyone needed a night of excitement then Brandon Flowers is the man who needs to be shown either a night down the pub, a brief flash of genitals or the thrill of stealing a packet of crisps when a newsagents back is turned.
Thought it could get any worse? ‘The Clock Was Tickin’ descends in a full blown country & western anthem that will spur any inbred families in to creating a third generation backward children to be conceived in the muck of the farmer’s barn.
We don't rate albums on a typical 0-10 scale, but given the chance, this one would be off the chart in terms of how we?d rate it, due to how appallingly crap it is. Typically jokes would be thrown in about how the CD could be alternatively used as a coaster or as a poor ninja death star. However, we wouldn't even put our imitation store bought cola on this makeshift drinks mat.
Any remaining copies of this album should be flung in to a rocket, aimed towards the sun and given a sacrificial burning whilst monks give us all a blessing after its removal from the face of the earth.
Now the title of the album is ‘Flamingo’ which makes us wonder if this was an initial concept album about Flamingo Land in Malton, North Yorkshire. An insider tells us that the original deluxe fourteen track bilge fest was meant to be:
1 ? Breaking Down On The Motorway
2 ? Map? We Don't Need A Fucking Map, GPS Is To Expensive
3 ? A Merry Trip To The Service Station
4 ? Christ On A Badger! They Still Have Wimpy Restaurants Here. Let's Remortgage The House And Get One
5 ? Fucksticks, The Discount Vouchers Have Expired
6 ? No Johnny! Don't Stroke That Flamingo?s Cock
7 ? What's This? The Fucking Queue For The Simulation Ride?
8 ? I Wish My Child Was More Like His
9 ? Two Minutes Of Fun
10 ? Lost Property (Do I Really Have To Collect My Child?)
11 ? This Ain?t No Alton Towers
12 ? Overpriced Inferior Gift Shop Visitation Time
13 ? Merry Arguments Home
14 – 365 Days Till The Next Family Fun Time Expedition
Anyway, in short – don’t buy this album. It’s crap.
Cameron says
Just so the site knows, let me clarify… Refusing to hire deaf people to review music albums is not a hate crime. Or did this guy have another lonely night in which his greatest thrill is stealing from newstands or waiting in front of the television for the possibility of seeing genitals? Probably male genitals I’m guessing are what he’s hoping for?
Not only is ‘Flamingo’ one of the best 5 albums of the year, it deserves credit and recognization for its brilliant and rich sound and structure. And at least respect for the dang thing. I don’t know if this reviewer is simply angry at the world for his lack of brain, ears and size, but he’s the most uneducated sap I’ve ever heard do a review.
“After-all, Brandon Flowers equals hoards of fanboys and girls who
amy says
I agree with Cameron. You can like the album
or not, but show some respect. This is the worst review I have ever read – subjective and rude.
Zadig says
Seriously, i came by this review just by accident but, i hope the guy writting this doesnt get paid coz he could have been talking about any other subject and probably would have the same result, coz seems his ignorance on the subject its bigger than his ego.
Just kept reading to see how useless this review was, now im gonna check random stuff on this website to mark it as “crap”.
Greg says
This article is absolutely hilarious. It makes me sad that people actually hire morons like Matthew Laidlow to “write.” His opinions makes me want to tell his mother to kick him out of her basement and go actually make a living off of something that doesn’t spew non-sense like he does in this “article.” Flamingo is one of this year’s best albums. Again, I’m shocked people let dumb asses like Matthew Laidlow do reviews for them. I’m bracing myself for his next article critiquing the Beatles.
Hey Laidlow, go get yourself a new set of ears and while you’re at it, why don’t you take off those headphones blasting Jonas Brothers. I, and the rest of the music loving world, really feel you “should be flung in to a rocket, aimed towards the sun and given a sacrificial burning whilst monks give us all a blessing after your removal from the face of the earth.”
ririh says
I think this reviewer is biased, since he stated that he dislikes The Killers to begin with. Making a record requires effort, you can tell Brandon put a lot of effort into the album, it’s not sloppy. If you don’t like it, you did a really poor job at supporting your reasoning. This review is worthless.
james says
“On the track
Kayle says
This review is rude and idiotic. The album “Flamingo” is not utter shite. Creating an album or even one song itself is hard work. I bet you couldn’t even create a song better than “Crossfire” or anything he has ever written. People can have their opinions, but this review is disrespectful.
“The ironically titled
Utterkins says
Sure, The Killer’s music doesn’t always make sense, but can you really say its unoriginal? Have you turned on a pop station on the radio lately and heard the utter crap on there? I just heard a remake of “Had the time of my life” which consists of using the chorus over and over with lots of studdering and then high techno and rap. Almost any song on the pop station today can be confused for someone else because they are all superficial sellouts. Kesha took a childhood rhyme and made it into a dirty techno song. I hate her the most.
You will never listen to a Killers song and mistaken it for someone else.
I am drawn to their songs and that is good enough for me. Sometimes things aren’t worth overanalyzing to see if it makes sense. Sometimes things just are what they are.
Relax. Roll a joint. Pay someone to have sex with you. And stop hating.
Igor says
Agreed!
Sorry, but you’re an idiot and I have every right to say it just as you have the right to crap on one of the best albums released in 2010!
Benj says
What a pathetic review, full of jealously and moronic statements.
The lyric itself is a reference to quote from Hunter S. Thompson who said that America was raising a generation of dancers (followers). Thompson committed suicide in 2005, incidentally.
Apalling writing, apalling website.
Marcus says
Aww.. poor little cynic doesn’t understand metaphor. What a shame.
This article is terrible. Was this your attempt at stand up comedy without actually having to get up in front of a crowd?