Ztc - HecklerSpray

Hecklerscopes: Psychic Sally Pops In To Say Hello And Ends Up Doing A Poo

August 4th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Did you all have an uneventful, but correctly predicted week? Obviously the ones who aren't replying must be dead, so we?ll chalk that one up to us being absolute fantastic diviners and not because you're all stupid people who don't die when we tell you to.

Last week we had a visit from Psychic Sally, who in the hecklerspray bedsit we call ?Not So Psychic Sally? because we're total jokers, and think that she's got as much ability to tell the future as Tulisa does fellating young men. Sally wanted us to write a column for her in this week?s Sun on Sunday about various things that are going to happen during the week.

At first, we were all for it, a writer can't live on Pot Noodle alone and the bedsit does need the rot looking at (we're not sure what's in the settee, but it's rotting the material now. And looks like it's breathing). But she said that she wanted to put her name on the top of the it. Imagine that! Psychic Sally phoning things in and not putting the effort in!

Awesome Or Off-Putting: Austria’s Mysterious (UFO) Hole

August 6th, 2012 By Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

There’s a fact of life that polite society is loathe to admit. That fact is that sometimes Austrians enjoy staring intensely into deep holes for hours on end. Those deep holes being stared into come attached to all sorts of things,? mostly ostriches. Sometimes backyards.

In this case it’s the latter. A mysterious 25′, perfectly round hole appeared in an Austrian man’s backyard overnight. Speculation, as you might expect, is that it’s a crashed UFO. If that’s the case, it’s a very small species that were flying the crashed craft.

We think it was most likely not of extra terrestrial origin, but that it was the Rescue Rangers crashing an out of control flying shoe box while they were on an Alps-vacation. And we shall unequivocally prove this hypothesis on the next page.

Readers’ Letters: “The Blind Leading The Blind” Or “The Passion Of The Trite”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Is it possible that there’s a direct correlation between Readers’ Letters going into hibernation for a couple of weeks and you lot losing your minds?

It certainly seems that way to us. This week has been a bumper Christmas annual of bad form and spirit crushing idiocy and we have you to thank for it. Yes, you the reader. You’re scum and we love it.

Gird your loins, it’s time for a trawl through the foetid hecklerspray post bag.

Awesome Or Off-Putting: Spring Heeled Jack Is Back! (Unless He Isn’t)

August 6th, 2012 By Shawn Lindseth

Of all the paranormal topics we’ve covered over the past 6 or 7 years, Spring Heeled Jack has been one of our favorites. What’s that, now? You don’t remember him at all? Well let us give you a brief synopsis.

He was sighted all over England within a decade or two of Jack the Ripper. He was known more for scratching and jumping than killing. An original witness/victim described him like this:

“He was wearing a kind of helmet, and a tight fitting white costume like an oilskin. His face was hideous; his eyes were like balls of fire. His hands had claws of some metallic substance, and he vomited blue and white flames.”

And now he’s supposedly been sighted again. Are you curious?

Well by all means click on!

Hecklerscopes: 13 March 2012

August 4th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Isn't it funny when people hold the strangest things as a bastion of superstition? Like rabbit's feet, for instance. Who carries around the severed paw of a dead animal as a sign of good luck? It clearly hasn't done the rabbit any good, and he had four. Or she. We don't discriminate here at hecklerspray. We have an equal level of dismay for all colours, genders and sexualities. You all are generally awful.

Like walking under ladders as well. That's only good luck because you're actively removing yourself from positions of danger. In that vein, we might as well say, not crossing rail lines is good luck. Or making sure you don't lick plugs is good luck. Or never wearing a foot cast on in front of Jessie J is good luck. Because once she gets talking about that bloody injury she forgets when to stop.

There is no such thing as luck; the only thing that is a certainty in life are our Hecklerscopes. Divined by hipster?s favourite tea and swirled in a Cath Kidston mug to unlock the mystery of the afterlife, currentlife and soontobelife, this is the only way that you can definitely find out what is going to happen in the next week. Trust us, you\’ll be surprised by the things we've seen. Here?s one for free: The Voice? Not going to be that popular.

Awesome Or Off-Putting: Large White Woman In Love With Enormous Green Woman (That She-Hulk On Ellis Island)

August 6th, 2012 By Shawn Lindseth

With all those immigrants coming to America through her metaphoric vaginal canal, we suppose it was only a matter of time until one of them fell deeply in love with the Statue of Liberty. So it is with Amanda Whittaker. Although we can’t say for certain that she in an immigrant, we can say she claims a steamy, one-sided love affair with the gargantuan green lady.

A word of caution – don’t mock her. Her inanimate-lover condition could happen to you. You know, if you’re really lonely and human-people never like to touch you or something.

Readers’ Letters: “The Ballad Of Rough Lesbian Sex” Or “How To Deal With A Slow Week”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

You’re stunningly dull sometimes, readers.

We toil away, day after day writing some of the most libellous nonsense on the internet and all you have to say is “Ha.” or “Good work.” or maybe the occasional, “Yes, I agree with your pathological dislike of digestive biscuits”.

This week has seen our foetid pouch of correspondence whimper under the sheer weight of your tiresome opinions. Not once did we read something that truly shocked us and not once did we cry out with joy at someone’s obsessive missive. That being said, we have to make a feature out of it so here’s us over-reacting to your comments.

Hecklerscopes: 6th March 2012

August 4th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Not everyone can tell the future. There's only a small percentile of the entire World?s population who can successfully predict future events, but when they do get it right, they get it great. Like Mystic Meg. She successfully predicted the lives of thousands of people who watched The National Lottery back in the 90s, week in, week out, and everything was hunky dory. One thing she couldn't predict was that severe case of herpes she couldn't shift. No one wants to hear the future from a warty medium.

To say that the future can't be divined is, frankly, a bus load of pish and pshaw. But would you want to know what was in store for you? If someone came up to you on a busy High Street and offered to look into the murky depths of the future in exchange for a fifty pence piece, would you take them up on their faster than Cheryl Cole would take Ashley back?

Of course you would. You're not idiots. So allow us to save you fifty pence. You can put it towards buying bulk orders of Ryvita. Or maybe ?saving.? Whatever you want.

Awesome Or Off-Putting: Strange Trumpet-Like Noises Heard All Over The Place

August 6th, 2012 By Shawn Lindseth

A relatively new, weird phenomenon is going on right now. Trumpet-ish sounds are being heard the world over. Nobody knows what is causing the strange sound as yet, but they were especially reported all along the route of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade a few months ago. Nobody knows what the source is, though. It’s a real stumper.

We made up the Macy’s thing – but not the weird trumpet sounds thing. That actually is happening, according to baffled witnesses.

We’ll explain it all on the next page.

WEBTHUMP! 29th February 2012

August 6th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

Hold on to your wizard robes, we’re riding the magical flying unicorn into battle on the plains of Interwebtopia!? A rich plunder awaits our marauding hordes.? There’s the mighty gnome tower of ThatisprobablyillegalinMalaysia, the verdant fields of Disgustingbutimustkeepwatching and the deep dark valleys of Howmanygirlsandhowmanycups.

All the best treasures of the rich and varied Interwebtopia shall be piled at the high altar at Castle hecklerspray and we can all rejoice as King Mof eats a baby.

EATS A BABY!